<<GASP. Snort. Guffaw. Sniffle. Snuffle. Snort.>>
Memo to self: Do NOT read posts like BH1’s and PT’s response while attempting to look busy at work. The bizarre sounds one makes in an effort to contain the laughter just draws more attention. 
***** I muck, therefore I am. *****
Dear Pocket Trainer:
Thank you for your most insightful assistance. I was fearful you might suggest something along the lines of Ripple, Thunderbird, or Mad Dog 20-20 – which we’d found to be considered a bit gauche even for the occasional cock-fight – even if kept in the ubiquitous brown paper bag.
BTW, do you write wine reviews for The Wall Street Journal ? There seems to be a similarity in preference here.
Appreciatively Yours,
No Longer Perplexed in TN
Dear Spoiled in Austin!
Pocket Trainer is most worried about this ugly trend, and certainly thinks this is ample evidence of a dire need for more Pocket Trainers!
Pocket Trainer reminds you that as a Pocket Trainer client, you are not required to lift so much as one finger, unless it is being manicured! We have a philosophy that we know best, and you should just listen to us. Why if you start picking feet, the next thing that will happen is that you might want to know why your horse has on shoes that cost $465 every 4 weeks! Now I ask you, what fun would that be?
For your own peace of mind, I think you should explore the Pocket Trainer Experience and complete line of accessories. See our ad here for more information: The Pocket Trainer Experience!
Remember to call us at 1-800-GOTMYPT if you have any questions!
Yours in a Pocket!
Pocket Trainer
See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
Dear Ditch Jumper!
We refer you to our recent correspondence with Lost On Course to explain the special challenges presented by the eventing discipline. We also noted a trend among eventers to “do it themselves” which conflicts with the very heart of the Pocket Trainer Experience! (We do it ALL for you… for a price!).
While conclusive evidence is not yet in, there are preliminary studies that show this regrettable characteristic has something to do with a prediliction for beer and pizza. So if you are an eventer who hates beer and pizza but likes going fast and prefers a hearty red with a sharp chedder, we invite you to consider our Pocket Trainer Jumper Experience!
Yours in a Pocket!
Pocket Trainer
See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
Dear Pocket Trainer,
We had a Brazilian groom, but he defected to Belgium. Do you have any PT Grooming Devices?
Yours,
Harried and Hopeless
Dear Pocket Trainer: As I am getting on in years I have had all the cosmetic surgery I can to stay pretty in the saddle. I am now concerned that “I am too pretty for my horse.” Do you offer any cosmetic surgery for horses so that I can make sure my horse looks her best too? What nip and tucks for her would you suggest? Also, how about makeovers and beauty products for sale at the end of the makeover session for her.
“The older I get the harder the ground hits.”
[This message was edited by TBMare on Feb. 23, 2004 at 07:24 AM.]
Dear Educated!
Pocket Trainer shares your horror at such situations! We at Pocket Trainer have always felt that education or lack thereof is no criteria by which to judge someone, and overselling the point can be considerd crass. Anyone in the know understands that your quality as a person can only be judged by the quality of your mount and the ribbons on your banner. Can education bring about this? No! MONEY makes this happen, and we all know it.
That’s why the Pocket Trainer Experience! is available to people of all educational backgrounds. As long as they have money, they can have Pocket Trainer. That is as it should be!
Yours in a Pocket!
Pocket Trainer
See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
Dear Pocket Trainer:
Thank you very much for your assistance in the wine dilemma! As both are indeed A/O hunters, the Elk Ridge Pinot Noir sounds like the perfect solution. However, my BNT has been hunting a jumper for me. Should I only consider a certain color of horse, to make my wine-matching easier?
Also, when only personally showing the grey, AutoParfait, is a 2001 Niebaum-Coppola Chardonnay acceptable, even if I chose to be driven down to the ring to watch BNT show the bay in the 1st years?
Now With Wine!
Dear Forever Frugal!
Far be it from Pocke Trainer to undersell the merits of WalMart. Why federal raids alone keep us well supplied with Pocket Grooms.
But we simply must have standards, otherwise the riff raff will think that they too can participate in this sport, and then where would you be? Having to learn how to actually ride, that’s where! And I ask you, what fun would that be?
Remember, your sister loves you, and is looking out for her, er, your best interests. And when one considers the potential “best” interests of one’s silk-purse/sow’s ear, WalMart loving sister, one should always partake in a fine 1995 Neyers Chardonnay.
Yours in a Pocket!
Pocket Trainer
See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
Muahahaha.
So, is anyone else reading this thread and taking notes to take to the liquor store?
Pocket Trainer–what red would you recommend for the arrival of my new mare? OTTB, but royally bred. The vet called her “a classy lookin mare” so I need something suitable.
Presently I’m sampling a bottle of Black Opal Cabernet/Merlot, and I do have a bottle of Schug Pinot Noir. Would either be appropriate?
[This message was edited by Simkie on Nov. 04, 2003 at 11:42 PM.]
Dear Pocket Trainer,
Do you have a model with a white sound feature so that my horse won’t be spooked at the gasps of admiration and applause we invariably cause by merely entering the ring? This would also be helpful when the plebs bring their unruly children and dogs to dressage shows and allow them to make noise.
If you don’t have a such model, please feel free to make one. And no, don’t thank me for my generocity, that is just how I am.
I have to go now .
Kisses darling,
Dressage Regina
Save us Pocket Trainer, you’re our only hope! 
<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> we don’t think it is too common and vulgar to become involved in this portion of the horses’ care. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
I love the way Jambalaya thinks! I mean, it is incumbent upon the elite Pocket Trainer clientele to know when ENOUGH is ENOUGH and to not run around like berserk 4-Hers thinking we can actually handle the dreary routines of horse care. Like grooming and all.
Exhibit A:
<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> I like to walk my horse off the property to cool him out. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Exhibit B:
<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Yesterday, I dropped off a new baby pad and choker to be monogrammed at a local shop which, while extremely competent in normal products, has minimal experience with equestrian products. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Pocket Trainer, DO tell me that these 2 declassee heathens are NOT clients of yours.
I mean ugh - why would you ever “walk out your own horse” or “drop things off” by yourself? Have you people never heard of the term “hired help?”
Ta!
Formerly Drooped About Drapes, Now Simply Stunningly Coordinated!
Dear Pocket Trainer,
Someone told me you are coming out with a SADDLEBRED version! Do tell!
Yours,
Rack On
Dear Time for a Change!
Pocket Trainer deeply regrets your latent hostility and understands it comes from a failure to find a lead change. And Pocket Trainer would be the first to admit that we succesfully negotiated a hostile takeover of Lead Change Fairy, Inc. thereby cornering the market (see our recent press release). But as we have explained to you in our letter dated September 23, 2003, the Lead Change Option is ONLY available to customers who have the full Pocket Trainer Super Premium Package (Pocket Trainer, Pocket Junior and Pocket Groom along with at least one of the 4 Premium Packages). Also you must sign the Lead Change Confidentiality Agreement and Buck Through Change Liability Waiver (applicable during installation process).
We eagerly await your bank routing numbers before we ship this upgrade and thought you might like to know that Ms. Midge’s check arrived yesterday.
Pocket Trainer recommends a hearty belt of 25 year old Whiskey when one realizes one’s partner in misery (Midge) is about to get those lead changes…
Yours in a Pocket!
Pocket Trainer
See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
Lord Helpus,
You have inadvertently stumbled across the true inspirational factor of dressage. Some like to wax on about the power and the beauty, some about harmony and partnership. But deep down, it is the same for all true DQ’s - black and white. It is classic, chic, easy to accessorize and you can even get your dogs to match.
Kisses,
Dressage Regina
[This message was edited by nhwr on Oct. 10, 2003 at 07:55 PM.]
Dear Rack On!
Never let it be said that Pocket Trainer does not appreciate saddlebreds! Indeed, Pocket Trainer appreciateS any di$cipline that cater$ to the highe$t pinnacle the $port can offer. However Pocket Trainer has a firm committment to only working with the best of the best, and in the Saddlebred world, truly the best belong in the gaited ring.
And Pocket Trainer confesses a degree of longing and wistfulness when she sees the sheer excess of tack, clothing, jog carts, show vehicles and (confession time) sparkly stuff. Pocket Trainer has long felt she is a closet shaky tail fan. In fact, Pocket Trainer thinks it would be just the thing to get snockered on a few bottles of Fat Bastard Syrah and do some drive bys at the hunter ring with a roadster pony!
Yours in a Pocket!
Pocket Trainer
See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
Dear Pocket Trainer:
Your product sounds extremely useful. However, will the abuse upgrade blame me for any deviation that my horse, “80K Commission,” makes from the perfect standard that Pocket Trainer has molded him into? For example, if it would take a meathook bit to get him to bend to the left after my last lesson, will I be appropriately chastised and told that I am ruining him? (of course I realize this can easily be solved by selling “80K Commission” and buying “UberRobotus” from overseas, but in the meantime, what to do???)
Signed,
Lefty
Dear Pocket Trainer,
I have just recently purchased your system, and could not be more pleased with it’s results. I do, however have one concern regarding my Pocket Junior. It seems as though she is being distracted by some of the “ring crew” at recent horse shows. In an effort to discourage her from fraternizing with such people, I explained to her that such activities reflected poorly on me. At this, she said somthing to the effect of “whatever,” and marched back to the barn. I would have thrown a temper tantrum, however show mamagment has warned me that next time I do this, they will call the authorities and have me removed (they mentioned “agrivated assult,” but I was not familiar with the term, and slaped them).
Thank you for your prompt response,
Fairly Violent
Dearest PT,
Just WHAT does one give one’s trainer for Xmas when he (or she) will be “vacationing” for, er, quite some time? Any suggestions from the PT sleigh?
Dear Pocket Trainer,
I am really really seriously considering jumping on this whole Pocket Trainer bandwagon and reccomending it wholeheartedly to every client in my barn (once I get a barn, that is)…but is there a Pocket Trainer Pro version available yet? I mean, one that will help trainers to calculate an appropriate sales commission based on a client’s material resources and desire to fit into the whole HP scene? With a feature, of course, that will help ease the transition all clients must make from “weekly lessons” to “owner: show string of three.” A Parental Control would be extremely desirable as well. And a special amateur model to provide that extra nudge to those who are torn between a third vacation home at a ski resort and a condo in Wellington? While your’re at it, a filter to screen out any harmful emmissions from potential Hostile Family Members would be terrific.
It would be so helpful, as well, to provide your Pocket Pro subscribers with features which provide for “expansion of client base,” a “travel to FL incentive” module that can be inserted into our clients’ Pocket Trainer packages (these would include a corresponding Pocket Pro Kickback System, of course). And for those pros who are just hitting the big time, Pocket Pro Basic Tack Room Decorator’s Assistants.
As Pocket Pro subscribers will be required to pay business rates, I would appreciate receiving more information on these before I make a final committment. (Incidentally, have you considered a franchise scheme at this point in time?)
MCL
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