Dear Pocket Trainer:

[DoubleTwistedWire]

Pocket Trainer:

After much hunting, my BNT has found me a smashing WB jumper, who of course is a dark bay, so as not to clash with the wine I must consume while riding my chestnut A/O jumper. However, I am slightly concerned by her lack of “chrome.” Now, I do not want any of those flashy “pintos” that have occasionally been appearing, but is there perhaps a way to add a bit more “bling-bling” (as PocketJunior calls it) to this mare, were I to purchase her? The lone white heel seems insufficient. Does PocketGroom have a salon upgrade of some sort that could perhaps give her a stocking or snip of some kind to distinguish her? Otherwise she looks a bit well…common in color, and I cannot have that!

Worried Over White

[buryinghill1]

PT have you been nipping at that eggnog a wee too much?

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Dressage Regina!

I think we may be able to come to agreeable terms discussing this “Dressage” market. I trust it is a market that abhors the actual discussion of wealth, yet delights in the oh-so-subtle ways of letting everyone know it exists?

Really, what is a brand and FEI Passport other than codespeak for “uber-expensive”?

Yes, this could be a match made in heaven. Our attorneys will contact your attorneys to talk about advancing this product line.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Worried Over White!

And well you SHOULD be worried! If you had utilized Pocket Trainer Matchmaker and Search prior to this point, you would never have been presented with this dilemma! Matchmaker would have identified your perfect mount down to the last dainty white stocking ending just 2" below the knee and the lovely blaze that slips down to a white spot (quarter sized) on the lower lip.

This is why you HAVE Pocket Trainer. To make your life perfect. We can only suggest that you politely decline the animal and turn the search over to us. Pour yourself a glass of 1991 Chateau St. Jean Reserve Cabernet before you open your checkbook!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[hoopoe]

Dear Pocket Trainer

I too was impressed by your new technological capabilities with the introduction of your new GPS system.

I have profound concerns however. Knowing the limitations of GPS when under heavy cover ( such as the woods or, say, an indoor arena) do you feel you will be able to overcome this flaw in GPS and provide your clientèle with the service they seek?

I would hate to see the system show this flaw when the chips are down at the indoor championships.

Geeky Pessimistic Scientist

_\]
– * > hoopoe
The ancient Greeks did not write obituaries. They only wanted to know if you had a passion.

[War_Admiral]

Yeppers… This one needs to go in Favorites, that’s for sure!

---

The TB body slave formerly known as Lizviola.

[Portia]

It’s Harrisburg this week. Pocket Trainer must be there, of course.

[I]"We've sold your children to pay for the new furniture.  I think you'll find it's a better investment in the long run."[/I]  Carson Kressley, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy [img]http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/winkgrin.gif[/img]

[Midge]

hoopoe!!! Bite your tongue!

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Sleeping Around!

Pocket Trainer gave you careful instructions not to activate that upgrade within 50 feet of any horse other than the desired target! But we are just happy that it all worked out fine.

Meanwhile, we suggest sending Midge off to that renowned working hunter stallion, Pfatflump, who could always be counted on to get his changes whenever he got out of his own way. And most especially we do not recommend Zip 'n Go as a sire prospect, for all that he has a beautiful jump. Pocket Trainer’s Nicking Service ($295 per analysis) shows Zip 'n Go as an excellent match for Pfatflump’s more docile daughters (as if there has ever been a non-docile Pfatflump daughter!)

In the meantime, enjoy your changes, and celebrate with a 1994 Rabbit Ridge Sangiovese. After the 3rd bottle you won’t recognize Midge, and all will be good in the Pocket Trainer Experience!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Lord_Helpus]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Pocket Trainer:
Dear Sister to a Sinner!

…
Failing that, I am afraid that desperate times call for desperate measures… Hypothetically speaking, would your sister’s body fit into the plastic storage thingie?

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Knowing said sister, I am afraid that she would not fit into a “plastic storage thingy”, but the new line of Vintage Valet Tack Trunks could certainly be customized for a person of her size and she could be dollied right off the show grounds.

After disposal, the saddle rack and bridle racks could be installed at only a small additional charge.

Signed,

Shamelss Plugster

[LLDM]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

I have recently been made aware of you professional services. The glowing recommendations from my less fortunate relations had me quite excited about the prospect of forming a long exclusive relationship with your entire line of Pocket Products and Services.

However, as a diligent consumer, my recent research has uncovered a shocking and unacceptable bias in you Pocket line offerings. How could one possibly fail to support one’s clients in the pursuit of open country riding? Why I am appalled by your lack of vision and taste!

How could one possibly expect one such as I to spend my hard inherited assests on a product which would fail to fill one’s flask, properly tie one’s stock, oil one’s mount’s hooves and properly color coordinate one’s catered breakfasts simply because they are located on one’s back lawn?

Please contact my staff when you have rectified this gross oversight in regard to proper tradition.

Yours truly “steeped” in tradition,

Tally-Ho!

A Leg at Each Corner

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Hoping for Help in Houston!

Pocket Trainer is deeply disturbed that you might have a less than spotless mount, and even more concerned about the possibility of you engaging in unnecessary physical labor. That is not keeping with the Pocket Trainer Experience!

Naturally we at Pocket Trainer are here to help you and preserve the sacred status of Hunter Princesses everywhere, even if they compete in the jumper ring! Naturally every Pocket Trainer client should avail themselves of Pocket Groom and Pocket Junior. Pocket Groom ($495 installation fee, $79.95 monthly subscription plus tips!) will make sure your mount is always spotless and waiting for you at the ring. We do recognize that grey horses present a special challenge to anyone, even something as exceptional as Pocket Groom, so we recommend that you upgrade your Pocket Groom to include the Pocket Poop Alert ($395). Special sensors will detect any “little additions” to your grey horse’s freshly cleaned bedding, and will alert Pocket Groom to quickly run to the stall and remove the offending item before that sneaky grey can even think “Stop, Drop and Roll”! Truly a Must Have item for greys!

Naturally, your own grooming must be attended to as meticulously as your horse’s. Pocket Junior is THE “must have” item for the discriminating HP ($495 installation fee, $99 monthly subscription plus tips!). Pocket Junior will pour your wine, assemble your wardrobe to match your mount, drive you around the showgrounds and attend to your every showing need. We do recommend the PT Manicure upgrade ($59.95) if you show more than 35 weeks a year and have trouble finding time to slip off to your weekly appointment!

Naturally, Pocket Trainer knows you enjoy a good wine, and recommends a 1995 Hartford Court Reserve Zinfandel to celebrate your new Pocket Trainer accessories.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Robby_Johnson]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

Since dressage alludes you, I wonder if Pocket Trainer can be modified to function at cross-country speeds of 450 mpm?

Yours truly,

Ditch Jumper

Take me to the river, drop me in the water
http://community.webshots.com/user/rbjohnsonii

[hoopoe]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

Well you did it. You charmed and amused me. I am in awe, so much so that I fell I really must meet you.

However it would require you come visit the OTHER West Coast, namely Washington State.

I assure you I could treat you to the finest Chateau St Michelle has to offer.

I just have not been so tickled in so long.

A humble and amused fan.

_\]
– * > hoopoe
The ancient Greeks did not write obituaries. They only wanted to know if you had a passion.

[hoopoe]

Beezer I hear that Pocket Trainer is coming out with a line of faux bottles. Decant chuck into on of these bottles.

No one need know, they will think you had a drink in advance.

_\]
– * > hoopoe
The ancient Greeks did not write obituaries. They only wanted to know if you had a passion.

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Looking for Abuse!

Yet another desperate soul looking for the Pocket Trainer Experience! We at Pocket Trainer understand that every rider has individual needs, and we tailor Pocket Trainer to meet those needs. Just as some of our most esteemed clients need the Ego Stroke upgrade ($995), other clients are only happy if they are verbally abused. To meet those very special needs, Pocket Trainer will upgrade your Pocket Trainer Experience to Abuse Mode for the reasonable sum of $1095.

But Pocket Trainer would like to remind you that we draw the line at physical abuse, however bank account abuse remains just that extra perk that we provide for all of our clients! In fact some of our clients think we are so talented in that area, that it does resemble a certain type of physical abuse! Everyone walks away happy at Pocket Trainer!!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SloRider:
Would Babs aka Kenneth Square love this or what! I can just hear her now…<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

We agree! That’s why the Afterlife Franchise is an exclusive Kennett Square Enterprise! We even customized the program to require Absolut and Cranberry instead of wine. Anything to please our dear Babs!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[buryinghill1]

Ohhhhhh PT. It’s time to get up
Did you set your Pocket Trainer Clicker-Training Alarm Clock back too many hours?

[Frostbyte]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

Once again, I am turning to you for advice on some tasty gossip I heard, before it hits my column.

A lovely Amateur bought a rather expensive horse from her new trainer. Upon hearing the results of her class, she turns to new trainer and asks, ‘Why oh why did new horse not win a prize?’

I thought I might have found Pocket Trainer in the flesh (although I was certain you would be better looking!) when he replied, ‘You are not well known enough and must contribute to some horse-worthy charities in order to win a prize at WEF.’

After the under saddle, her normally ribbon winning mount left the ring rosette-less and she asked again much the same question. He replied, (to the delight of the Bevel’s sales clerk) ‘You are wearing last years colors and need new clothes!’

Now I know fashion and worthy charities are all Pocket Trainer approved methods of ribbon winning, but this seems to go a bit far. So, in your much vaunted Pocket Trainer opinion, is this exchange for real, or is someone a…um…Storyteller?

---

What Hildegard Wouldn’t Dare.

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Pocket Change!

Many, many, many BIG pockets! Remember: Quality costs, and you deserve quality!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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