Dear Pocket Trainer:

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Boviphobic!

In checking our mail today, Pocket Trainer finds that the common theme may be “picking the correct environment”!

In your case, should you be one of those rare people who enjoys hacking your horse, we always recommend either purchasing the correct estate with appropriate neighbors or boarding your horse at the correct training facility. There is simply no need for your horse to ever encounter a cow, unless he is earning large sums of money in National Cutting Horse Association competitions!

If you feel some attachment or love for the current arrangement, we can only recommend that you either buy the offending property and have the cows removed, or offer to pay the current owner to grow hay instead of cattle. That solution may actually work out for the best, now that we consider it.

Barring that solution, we recommend the same solution for any problems/issues with one’s mount(s): A horse buying trip to Europe! And as always, we recommend a 1995 Grey Monk Gewurztraminer when making reservations for a trip to Germany. It’s not our favorite wine, but it does get you in the spirit of the moment!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Pocket_Trainer]

!stroS fo tuO raeD

!(etamitse rof llac) uoy rof tsuj draziW rekcilC laP tekceP rouy ezilanosrep ot yppah eb lliw eW

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[nhwr]

Methinks Pocket Trainer needs to go wireless Being yoked to a dial-up is equivalent to having to uncorked your own Silver Oak Cabernet Sauvignon. Quelle horreur

[Oldenburg_Mom]

(sung to the tune of “Oh Where, Oh Where has my little dog gone”)

Verse 1.

Oh where, oh where is the Pock-et Trainer?
Oh where owhere can he beeeee?
He’s got all these posts, and we need some an-swers,
Oh where oh where can he beeee?

Verse 2.

He’s giv-en us some-thing to help us out,
Whenever we’re in a fixxxxx,
Dirty grey horses with big brown poop stains,
We never have to think twice.

Verse 3

Oh Where oh Where is the Pocket Trainer,
We’re lost without his advice!
Robby and Xanax and DQ’s white noise,
He’ll solve them all for a price.

[B]The adventure has begun…[/B]
KT

P.S. In case you were wondering, the more people I get to know, the more I loff my horsie.

[Jambalaya]

Oh Simply Stunningly Coordinated, I am so heartened to see that we share the same values and notions of what is apropos. I don’t have to tell you how frightened I am sometimes behind the gates of my exclusive and CC&R’d-to-the-hilt gated community (10,410 square foot home of course; not one of those other small 8000 sq. ft. boxes that the less fortunate can only afford toward the front of the neighborhood), thinking of the great masses wandering around drinking some form of wine cooler or gasp beer at the A2’s, with the uncouth notion that a true horsewoman “does everything herself.” I sometimes ask my darling husband (as we pass each other in the pass-through between our bedroom suites, our most quality time we spend together – he’s so appropriately busy with his board meetings and mergers, negotiating golden parachute packages, etc.) where shall we find those who are truly acceptable for our social level, since it seems the club will allow almost any common person in these days.

So let’s raise a glass of 1994 Stag’s Leap Chardonnay together as we choose our braiding colors of the day at the next show. You may find me at our motorhome we occupy during the day (5-star hotel for the evenings, of course), unless I am riding, oh, what was my horse’s name again? Nevermind, just find my BNT and he will direct you to me!

Peeved about the Public

[Caribbean_Soul]

Dear Pocket Trainer

DUUUDE! My owner is determined to be ‘independent’ and tries to do things herself. What can I suggest to the bill payer to stop her delinquent behavior…

Bob The Concerned Equine

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear bruised and battered!

Pocket Trainer recommends the “Nurture and First Aid” options available ($195 each) as an upgrade to Pocket Junior ($495 installation, $99.95 monthly subscription plus tips!). The nurturing Pocket Junior will commiserate with you and even kiss your boo boos if that is what rocks your world. The First Aid selection will quickly run to the horse show medics and hound them to attend to you, or call 911 if there are no medics available. Even better, First Aid Pocket Junior will spike your coffee with Kahlua or Baileys at your request. Now that’s First Aid!

We also find that the Nurture option is a nice compliment to those of you who prefer the Abuse Mode upgrade ($1095) for your Pocket Trainer. After Pocket Trainer is through ripping you a new one, Pocket Junior can come along and tell you what a mean old horrible baddie Pocket Trainer is, and you are so brave and noble ot put up with Pocket Trainer. Nurture Pocket Junior also comes with a silk hankie so you can dab your eyes.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Terrorized!

We here at Pocket Trainer sympathize with your plight. It is only too obvious that Posie needs an animal that can safely be dropped like last season’s fashions, even if the spot could technically be classified as “an out of country experience”!

But we too occassionally read the front page of the newspaper before we check out the scandal page and have noticed some odd little turmoil in some desert somewhere. We also hear rumors of a crude and barbaric practice of taking shoes off at airports. Pocket Trainer is sure this is a ploy to part Pocket Trainer with her Via Spigas, and resists such attempts vigorously. Pocket Trainer encourages our well shod clients to do likewise, although we do recommend that you purchase our Pocket Trainer Federal Detention Package ($995 plus $350 per hour legal consultation fee) prior to doing so.

But Pocket Trainer has succesfuly made many transatlantic flights with no problems (shoe issues notwithstanding) and we have no fear that you will be permitted to travel in peace. However, if you are taking your Pocket Trainer Dart Gun and Doping Kit ($295 plus $49.95 per medicated dart) for prepping those Extra Large Warmbloods for the hunter ring, we recommend that you check it in as part of baggage. Or be prepared to shoot your way out.

In any event, we recommend a 1994 Tefft Cellars Reserve Merlot along with several muscle relaxants of your choice. This will make precious Posie’s whining, er, conversation so much more bearable.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Bob (who Should be Very) Concerned Equine!

Pocket Trainer can only say that your owner should immediately purchase the Pocket Trainer system, complete with Pocket Groom and Pocket Junior. Someone needs to stop the madness!

As you are an equine, communication is limited, but we have found that the time honored “headfirst into an oxer” move works well for prompting a trainer upgrade. Your best bet is to do this near one of our many Pocket Trainer banners at a show near you!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[baileygreyhorse]

Dear Pocket Trainer-
My horse’s neighbor keeps stealing his fly mask and throwing it on the ground. How can I keep this accessory-stealing horse to leave my boy alone?
Tormented Grey

http://community.webshots.com/user/pnekman

[Jambalaya]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

My darling Posie is terribly interested in your Lessons Plus upgrade – perhaps it is being advertised in her favorite magazine, “Blissfully Shallow Fashion?” Nonetheless, I have two concerns. First, will it detract from the time she spends on her exclusively private school’s soccer team, drama club, audio/visual club, debate team, dance club, chemistry club (simply for college applications, of course; they mainly discuss various recipes for hair conditioners), as well as her standing manicurist appointments, hair appointments, facial appointments, therapist sessions, classes for kickboxing, spinning, tai chi, yoga and the requisite volunteer hours she must put in at some ridiculous nursing home, reading to the elderly (also solely for college applications, of course!). I am unsure if our live-in housekeeper will be able to drive her to all these appointments, or will I need to hire another domestic? I shudder at the thought of having my live-in housekeeper interview all the applicants, which may take time from her dog walking duties.

My second concern is whether Lessons Plus will make Posie perspire – it sounds like it requires a modicum of effort. We all know that perspiration, in any setting, is so unattractive and affects one’s makeup. I fear that Posie’s transitent exuberance for the common idea of “working for something” will repel all the desirable and eligible young men with futures as ruthless corporate CEO’s, ruthless land developers, and ruthless politicos. Gasp she may run off with a horse trainer, if she can find one who leans toward that preference, if you know what I mean!

One last question: does the Lessons Plus package come with something similar to the dressage seat belt I have heard about? That is the only way I can comprehend how one learns to “actually ride.”

Regards,

Fainting From Fear

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Lovers of all things in a Pocket!

We are so sorry we have not been able to respond as quickly as we should, but quite frankly, Pocket Trainer has simply been swamped with requests for assistance this year! And all this on top of Fall shows, our annual buying trip to Europe and our Holiday Shopping List. More on that soon, but I must address a question that has come up regarding the unexpected sabbatical that some of your trainers are faced with in the upcoming months…

Many of you have been plaguing Pocket Trainer for remote assistance. It’s not that Pocket Trainer does not empathize wtih your plight and misfortune, but Pocket Trainer has no intention of helping out our competition. Rather Pocket Trainer plans to profit from their misfortune in a manner that would make even Kenneth Lay proud. Yes, as usual, Pocket Trainer is a full replacement product, not merely an add on to your existing system and software.

We at Pocket Trainer feel that is only in your best interest. You are too important and too busy tending to the business of an appropriate wine to accompany your mount, Compensatesforrider to the ring to be bothered with trying to sort out things between Joe Offsite and Pocket Trainer, when everyone knows Pocket Trainer is a far superior product! So we must inform our potential clients that we cannot accomodate these requests, but we urge all of you who are still in the dark about the merits of the Pocket Trainer system to see the light (Light available, $99.95)

But enough of that, what about the holiday shopping season?

We would like to take this opportunity to mention a few of our products that might just be just the perfect stocking stuffer for your loved one:

Pocket Attorney - $2395 installation plus $395 monthly retainer. Know someone with some upcoming legal issues? Here’s a gift that says “I Care”).

Whoop Whoop Upgrade - $1595 plus $19.95 per class surcharge. We understand some of you are facing a Whoopless Winter - save a friend from a serious case of WW withdrawal - get him or her a Whoop Whoop Upgrade!!

Dart Gun and Doping Kit (for XXL WBs) Upgrade $295 plus $49.95 per medicated dart. For the rider with everytihng… except her pharmacist, er, trainer…

Pocket Trainer European Experience Upgrade - $5995. Yes, you will still have to purchase the complete PT package, but for the rider loyal enough to stay with their trainer, may we suggest the European Sabbatical?

And most of all, we strongly suggest the appropriate wine when on an enforced sabbatical. If you know someone in this situation, we find that a 2000 Fat Bastard Syrah says it all…

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Weatherford]

Dear Pocket Trainer -

I second M. O’Connor’s question regarding franchises, and am wondering if you are considering expanding to Ireland. Of course, you would first need to restyle your Pocket Trainer, Basic (aka Cheap) to speak Oirish and convince the people who do desperately need one to spend the money on it. Perhaps a collaboration with Guinness or Tullamore Dew or ever the rare Connemara Whiskey would be appropriate?

Yours - as in wanting to be a commissioned rep…

W.

It’s OUT! Linda Allen’s 101 Exercises for Jumping co-authored by MOI!!!

[Oldenburg_Mom]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I am appalled, yes utterly appalled. Yes and shocked.

You have been speaking about Selle Francais. EXCUSE ME, dear Pocket Trainer.

It’s Selle Français.

If this is an example of your attention to detail, well, I am VERY disappointed. This reflects very poorly indeed on the Pocket Trainer Experience!

Breathless waiting to see how you wiggle out this peccadillo.

[B]The adventure has begun…[/B]
KT

P.S. In case you were wondering, the more people I get to know, the more I loff my horsie.

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dearest Devotees!

Pocket Trainer is swamped shipping out last minute orders and prepping next year’s crop of automatons for their riders!

But just two quick observations. Bigbay is spot on with her wine observation! Second, exactly how much eggnog is too much eggnog? We confess confusion in that regard, as we have always subscribed to the theory that one cannot have too much nog in one’s egg…

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Trainer without a Pocket!

Yes, to respond to your inquiry, Pocket Trainer is delving in the world of franchise opportunity as we speak (starting at $25K). We are carefully screening clients for appropriate philo$ophy and background as well as geographic desirability. Primarily we must not let franchise operations significantly overlap core Pocket Trainer markets. This would not be good for Pocket Trainer or franchise owners!

Current franchise owners have experienced no problem in the area of winter horse showing and commi$$ion latitude. We have carefully selected Pocket Trainer clients to be those that appreciate the Pocket Trainer Experience! and like to embrace it wholeheartedly. Take for instance our dear, trusted client sweetnlo, who expresses horror at the thought of a client who can recognize her own horse, never mind knows that the horse has (and loses) a fly mask. Clearly our selection process cannot be beat!

If you wopuld like to be considered for a franchise, please submit a database file of all horse show zip codes as well as home base zip codes for the previous 2 years, and we will evaluate your geographic potential and consider your request.

yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear mal à propos!

Pocket Trainer is very concerned. We have found our happiest clients are those that cannot be counted on to lift more fingers than absolutely necessary, and yet we find that you feel compelled to use 5 keystrokes where one will convey the same message. Even worse, you seem to be counseling our best clients to do likewise. This could very well be the first steps down a road best not travelled!

Pocket Trainer prefers to portray a degree of mal du siècle when dealing with foreigners. When one conveys eagerness and interest, inevitably the price also goes up, and this cuts into valuable commi$$ion$ for Pocket Trainer.

Pocket Trainer reminds her clients that mal du siècle, or world weariness, is best conveyed while languidly sipping a 1991 Silver Oak Bonny’s Vineyard Cabernet

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Midge]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

Is your GPS System available for the other rings as well? My good friend Icky Sushi went off course in the pre adults at Raleigh. Will it overcome the fact that he is old and feeble?

Thanks!

signed,
Concerned Friend

[sweetnlo]

Pocket trainer,
I think I need to order a vocabulary update, “veterinary”??? I have never the word before. I am glad it ended in “good” news, I shall have an extra martini (as if there is such a thing) with lunch to celebrate.

[creseida]

Isn’t that typical of a PT. Just when you need them most, they’re off at a Big Name Show schmoozing up new customers.

~<>~ COTHBB Leather Care Guru~<>~
~Member of the Horse Vans Rock clique~

“Onomatopoeia…isn’t that in Hawai’i?”–Colin Deschamps