Dear Pocket Trainer,
I am having a crisis. Everyone at $pendforth $howbarn has perfectly matched top-of-the-line custome Warner’s Tack Trunks. But Warner’s is no more, and alas I am unable to find a tack trunk identical to everone else’s, so that I might be perfectly matched. I daren’t be…gasp… different…dare I?
Signed,
Standing Out
~<>~ COTHBB Leather Care Guru~<>~
~Member of the Horse Vans clique~
“Learn the rules so you may break them effectively”~Dalai Lama
Dear Tormented Grey!
Pocket Trainer recommends in situations like this that you buy your neighbor’s farm so that there is no pesky neighbor horse to deal with. We also recommend a nice 1991 Quail Ridge Reserve Cabernet upon closing the deal.
Yours in a Pocket!
Pocket Trainer
See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
Dear Pocket Trainer,
I wanted to let you know that my Pocket Trainer forays into the world of dressage have been going quite well. So well, in fact, that I have uncovered other opportunities that I wanted to bring to your attention. With the assistance of your system, I am now posing on darling Uberpferdie like never before. I have found that this is spurring me on to higher goals and ambitions. I now want to do lunch with the girls, more frequently, make sure my pedicure is fresh and spend more timing researching enology in the aisles of the local cellar. The catch? My children. Nannies are so obvious and one has to dabble with a certain element to procure them. My spouse has offered to oversee the nannie selection process, but this has lead to some problems in the past. I would like for the sub-humans, err uh, children to be handled, uh, I mean, ummm, …cared for with the same standard of perfection that Uberpferdie now enjoys.
Again, don’t thank me, I am a generous person by nature. You may, however, forward all royalties to my trust account.
Anxiously awaiting new product annoucments,
Dressage Regina
<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Pocket Trainer:
But just two quick observations. Bigbay is spot on with her wine observation!
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Hey, what can I say? When it’s a thread about wine, I pay attention! D’oh- I mean horses! When it’s a thread about HORSES!
Dear Pocket Trainer,
Speaking of Euro versions makes me wonder - will you ever have a Brazilian version?
Yours,
Where’s The Groom
Dear Pockets (if I may be so bold as to call your majesty and knower of all that’s knowable “Pockets” … but I feel that since you have all my bank routing numbers and are a co-signer on my multiple platinum cards, I should be entitled to stand on a little less ceremony):
I am UTTERLY humiliated. My sister, whom I was always taught to look up to since she’s, well, more mature, 
refused to buy another custom tack trunk when we changed show barns yet again. 
Oh, the horrors! She used some word I’d never heard … budget maybe? what on earth?? 
… and said it just “made no sense” to buy another trunk in another color scheme when we’d likely be moving again.
Pockets, brace yourself: SHE BOUGHT A PLASTIC STORAGE THINGIE FROM <<GASP!>> WAL-MART AND SAYS THAT THE MOST SHE WILL DO IS BUY ANOTHER TRUNK COVER IN OUR NEW BARN’S COLORS!
Horrors, I tell you. Simply horrors.
Pockets, I am at a loss. She is stamping her dainty little Size 7 foot down, saying that she will not allow ME to buy a new trunk either! Pockets, I simply cannot be relegated to the back of the barn aisle or – worse! – to the back of the other side of the other barn aisle because of her penny-pinching!
I am in tears. I am humiliated. I just know that this finally, once and for all proves, that I am adopted. 
Dearest Pockets, whatever shall I do?
Signed, I Used to Think My Sister Was a Saint but Now I Know She’s a Sinner!
***** I muck, therefore I am. *****
Um … er … Pocket Trainer?
MY JACK RUSSELL ATE MY WHOLE SYSTEM! I mean, everything. Apparently, the little whispers and bells and lights and whistles were just … too … much for the little guy, and he destroyed the whole thing.
Would it be possible to have a duplicate order of the whole system you so graciously and professionally put together for me overnighted to me before my lesson tomorrow? You still have my platinum card number, right?
Oh … and could you maybe include some earplugs for my JRT so he isn’t quite so upset by my new system?
TIA.
***** Yes, Dr. Laura, I am my horses’ mom!*****
dr pckt trnr:
omg like my parents wont let me go 2 fla!!! wht shud i do?! thx to jmbalaya 4 lettin me post
angery in hi scool
Dear Unappreciated!
Pocket Trainer certainly sympathizes with your plight. There is nothing quite like a person firm and inviolate in their belief that they are all knowing and yet others fail to appreciate this quality!
Sadly Pocket Trainer cannot offer a SUTH Machine as Pocket Trainer frowns on anyone taking any advice from anyone other than Pocket Trainer (or a Pocket Trainer Designee). However, Pocket Trainer must acknowledge the fact that They Who Hold the Checkbook must be considered (to their faces) to be right, accurate and correct in virtually every instance there is money at stake. Therefore Pocket Trainer strongly recommends that as a non-rider, you simply become a “Horse Show Parent”!
Pocket Trainer understands that it does take time to become a parent of a riding age child, and naturally with the vagaries of producing your own, there is the chance that the child might start screaming within 15 feet of her 6 figure pony. So Pocket Trainer does offer an adoption service with pre-screened children who are guaranteed to not scream at the site of a horse and even show some ability to ride (Call for pricing).
As always, a 1995 Benziger Old Vines Zinfandel goes well with selecting the apple of your eye.
Yours in a Pocket!
Pocket Trainer
See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
LOL Hoopoe, you sure did!! Excellent detecting! 
Thoroughbreds! Everything else is just a horse. 
Dear Pocket Trainer-
I am a directionally challenged eventer. Normally we are fairly independent folks, but I think I need help here. I would like a GPS upgrade so that I can be sure where I am on course (stadium and XC please). It would be nice also if this GPS could also help with dressage geometry. Is this upgrade available for eventers?
Lost on Course
Dear Horrified after Harrisburg!
While Pocket Trainer certainly appreciates your concern for your own comfort, and thinks that a more comfortable motor home has some merit, Pocket Trainer would like to remind you that a 6 month anniversary is a veritable milestone in our industry. And as such, it should be celebrated with something that says “it’s all about you, dearest BNT!”
Naturally this leads one to the natural conclusion of “Rolex”…
We say this for several reasons. First and foremost, with a Rolex, your BNT has no reason to not know what time your lesson begins (however, waiting at the ring is still mandatory - how would the judge know that you are so worthy of his attention of you did not make him WAIT for the opportunity to see you ride?)
Secondly (and far more important!), one can reach several perfectly acceptable drinking establishments in half the time it takes to drive to the designated parking for motorhomes at WEF. Dear God, only the riff raff party there! One must always conduct oneself as one would wish to exist in Nirvana (WEF).
As always, one should order a 1993 Chateau Souverain Winemaker’s Reserve Cabernet when presenting your 6 month anniversary largesse upon your BNT.
Yours in a Pocket!
Pocket Trainer
See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
Dear “steeped” in tradition,
Pocket Trainer would truly consider something so very suited to the Pocket Experience as the Hunt Tradition. We at Pocket Trainer know EXACTLY who to thank for our mindless devotion to fashion, tradition and just the right coat (we DO have an issue with the SAME coat year after year though). And don’t think for a minute we aren’t grateful.
There is just a small problem with the Pocket Experience and Hunt Country… These people INSIST on being able to ride (sober or not) and make no apology for it. However would Pocket Trainer survive if we were not able to constantly find and fashion mounts that cover for one’s insecurities and inabilities?
But we here at Pocket Trainer feel that we could surely bring something to the table when it came to the appropriate wine. Although we fully understand the need for something with a little more “kick” in the wee hours prior to the hunt, the post hunt experience could be improved.
Yours in a Pocket!
Pocket Trainer
See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
Quickly pour a Dewars on the rocks.
Dear Dirty Butt!
Pocket Trainer is deeply concerned about your dilemma. We here at Pocket Trainer know that your showing experience simply cannot be fun if you are required to toil away at the mundane details such as riding or grooming your horse. As always, we ask you to look into the full Pocket Trainer Experience! With Pocket Trainer (base price $5995 plus 3 open platimum cards), Pocket Junior ($495 installation, $99.95 monthly subscription plus tips!) and Pocket Groom ($495 installation, $79.95 monthly subscription plus tips!) your days of mandatory midweek riding, grooming at any time, or troubles finding your own butt are over! The Pocket Trainer Experience! is here to take care of you and your every need (additional upgrades may be required)!
Finally, we must talk about this grey-to-white issue. First Pocket Trainer needs to know if the lack of greyness in any way coincides with an inability to qualify for Devon or Indoors? If this is not an issue, Pocket Trainer merely suggests the Pocket Poop Alert upgrade ($395) for your Pocket Groom. This will make sure Pocket Groom is alerted anytime a pile hits the bedding, thereby eliminating that genetic Plop-Stop-Drop-Roll response in all greys. But if the lack of greyness corresponds with a lack of performance, Pocket Trainer recommends Pocket Trainer Matchmaker ($595 per analysis) to analyze exactly what i sthe perfect new mount for you, along with Pocket Trainer Search ($999, not including expenses and commi$$ion$) to find that perfect new horse
We look forward to your bu$ine$$!
Yours in a Pocket!
Pocket Trainer
See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Merry:
I encourage you to embrace the humanity found at your local Walmart. They don’t sell expensive wine, but I do believe they offer a hearty selection of domestic beer, available in shiny, pop-top cans.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Wal-Mart News
BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item, Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine.
The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, CA to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6.00 to $8.00 range.
While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, RI She said: “The right name is important.”
So, with that in mind, here are some suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
Nasti Spumante
Chateau Traileur Doublewide
White Trashfindel
Big Red Gulp
Grape Expectations
Domaine Wal-Mart “Merde du Pays”
NASCARbernet
Chef Boyardeaux
Peanut Noir
Chateau des Moines
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
World Championship Wriesling
SillyHorse
~ I’m probably on John Ashcroft’s enemies list. At any rate, he’s on mine. ~
Dear No Longer Perpelexed!
While the WSJ has not as yet retained our services, we cannot but admit our admiration for such a fine example of journalism.
Why we just get giddy reading about CEOs dodging government bullets. Wealthy people everywhere know the WSJ cares about them, and champions them in their times of darkness. Naturally a fine wine and a quality show horse helps anyone through those moments.
Yours in a Pocket!
Pocket Trainer
See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
Dear Pocket Trainer,
Do you offer ego deflation services? I think we also have some BB members in need of these services. Some people feel compelled to mention their professions a little too often. I mean, just because you’ve survived 12 or so years of higher education doesn’t mean you have to brag about it, right?
Dear Pocket Trainer:
Yesterday, I dropped off a new baby pad and choker to be monogrammed at a local shop which, while extremely competent in normal products, has minimal experience with equestrian products. I gave them extremely specific instructions, and even took an old choker along to provide an example. Still, I worry that perhaps they will bungle the job. While this would give me a good reason to spend more money, it would also annoy me to have products ruined by someone other than myself. Is there some sort of upgrade I can purchase that would monitor the situation for me, or perhaps a program for Pocket Groom/Junior that would allow them to take care of all future monogramming needs for me?
Worried that Her Initials May Be Altered
<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Hey, it’s shrouded under a custom Warner’s cover. So there! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Clever clever clever. Tres declasse, but clever nonetheless.
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