I think that was goeslikestink trying to illustrate how, if you are the victim of a crime or abuse, it’s not so easy to trust again. :yes:
And, to a certain extent, I agree. It’s probably very difficult for Chanter to turn off her “survival instinct,” and I would imagine she’s very defensive by nature. Her new situation in TX is not what she expected, and it may be that she is reacting in the only way she knows how.
Before assuming all is lost, I would encourage Chantershelper to research TBI a little more, and perhaps learn how to better understand Chanter’s behavior.
Personally, I would back off…WAY off…for a little while. Her behavior indicates that she perceives a major threat (whether there is one or not, that’s how she perceives it); if at all possible, give her some time and some space to calm down and begin to see things for what they are. She doesn’t trust anyone yet (why should she), so she will have to see for herself that the funky water ISN’T going to hurt her horse, and that you aren’t out to screw her over.
I would ignore the “silent treatment” for a few days. Let her be the one to initiate conversation…or, if you speak to her, don’t talk about the issues you’ve had. It may be that she feels badly about the way she acted, but doesn’t know how to explain her behavior or express her guilt, so she has “gone into hiding” physically and mentally. Let her stay there and process things for a little while, if you can. If need be, slip a note under her door saying, “I really want to resolve things. Please talk to me when you’re ready.”
Bear in mind that TBI often causes a developmental setback; Chanter may chronologically be in her 40’s, but mentally she might see the world through much younger eyes. Children (and many adults, for that matter) often express guilt as anger. Think about it: if a little boy breaks mom’s favorite lamp, and she scolds him for his carelessness, he will feel guilty…but he doesn’t know what to do with that emotion, so instead of saying, “Yes, mom, you’re right, I’m sorry,” he will think to himself, “But I didn’t MEAN to break it…why is she making me feel bad?” and become angry instead. Basically, Chanter may realize she overreacted about the water and about other things that weren’t the way she thought they would be…but she can’t figure out how to make amends without “weakening” herself, and her resulting defensiveness is creating a snowball effect.
CH, I think you are in a position to break the cycle, so to speak…but you will need to know how to handle a person with TBI. If I were in your shoes (and I AM glad I’m not ;)), I’d spend the next few days doing some homework and making some phone calls…specifically, you would want to speak with a doctor or therapist who specializes in TBI. Then, armed with a better understanding of what you are dealing with, try to open communications with Chanter again. I believe if you can do this in a way that is non-threatening to her, you may succeed in reaching a solution that is good for both of you.
Just my two cents. Good luck to all involved. :yes:
