There is a big difference between a horse as an interest and hobby vs a farm in the country with horses (pl). We lived in the country, I worked full time as the main bread winner but he also was very busy at his business. We had horse and pony at home which meant fences, pasture maintenance, hay handling, mucking out, feeding, meeting vet and farrier, etc. He was clear horses etc weren’t his thing but he helped out as he was able. Resentment began to develope because I was always tired, no time for other activities and not really time to ride and enjoy my beasties . It wasn’t the money or time he resented, it was the toll it took on me.
I now have one horse boarded out altho we still live in the country. I have time to ride and always come home in a good mood. We are both much happier!
Life’s too short to be with someone you aren’t happy with.
I sold a mare I loved to try and make a marriage work with the ex-Mrs Trak. I sat on her at the auction tearing up and afterwards hearing comments about how I should’ve had someone else ride my mare. Even strangers were giving her disgusted looks. Barn friends came to give me support were wide-eyed at her callousness. 2 months later I left her…not for anyone else…to be happy and at peace.
It’s not worth being unhappy.
It isn’t a physical disability. My doctors have said that being involved with horses again would actually be helpful.
I could dump him and take half of all our assets and he’d be paying for my hobby that way. It’s common property under the law.
See what I don’t understand is this idea that he made more money therefore he gets all the say in how to spend it. I thought marriage was supposed to be about more than just money. That things like emotional support and affection and companionship had a ‘value’ all in their own not to mention cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work (I’ve always done all the yard work including tree trimming). I don’t expect him to lift one finger to help with the acreage or the horses and I told him that. I have friends and family who would be happy to help out if I needed it.
You don’t need a horse farm; you need a marriage counselor. If you don’t get one then you’ll not need marriage counselor you’ll need a divorce lawyer.
G.
I also think there has to be a middle ground between no access to horses, and going out into deep country with a small breeding operation. What about just buying one riding horse and keeping it on someone else’s property, ranch or boarding stable? There are lots of pleasant outer suburbs with all the amenities, and access to the city, that are also close to boarding barns and trails.
I would not expect a spouse to move somewhere that really wasn’t a good fit for them except if it was really necessary for a job.
I also feel like keeping a horse property functional can be a ton of work in addition to the horses. Many folks in their 60s and 70s move off the farm into town.
Kathrine Hepburn always said husbands should live close and visit often!
I think many of the problems between couples on this topic and many others is when there is an expectation that one “owes” the other, whether it’s the one making more money “owes” it to the other to finance expensive hobbies or that the one making less “owes” it to the other to just go along with whatever they want.
Mr. Atlatl and I have separate finances, we are child and debt free, so split expenses down the middle and what ever’s left over from our individual incomes is ours to spend. I spend mine on horses, he spends his on other stuff.
We do have a child but still keep most of our finances separate (we do not do right down the middle but keep it more or less proportional)- neither of us is selfish and we stay out of each others way. People think we are odd but we have never argued about money. We have the money, we are responsible, so I feel we are at the point we should enjoy our money even if its not necessarily the financially “smart” thing to do. I had a $700 vet bill this week for a horse I dont even own and I told him he doesnt want to know how much it was and he didnt ask. I have finally reach the point where I can say it’s just money- there were many years when I couldnt.
maybe he was not going to go with you …
Bolded text is the key!
DH works FT weekends and most weeknights on an unpredictable schedule and I work days on a Mon-Fri 9 to 5 schedule. The fact that I have my horse to keep me busy during those nights when he is working is actually a plus in our marriage, otherwise existing on opposite schedules would get old REALLY quick, and since we only get 2 nights a week together, we are very good about making them special for each other and prioritize them as ‘date nights.’
Our bank accounts are separate and we split joint living expenses 50/50. Since we eat the majority of our meals separately we each do our own grocery shopping as well. As long as the mutual bills are met, how you spend the remaining $$ is up to you. Aside from a bag of carrots, he has not spent $1 on my horse. I pick up side work to help supplement my income and I drive a 15 year old car because horsie is a large expense and I am careful with my funds (ok, matching polo wrap/saddle addiction aside). DH on the other hand drives a new car and spends $$ on good concert tickets and movies.
DH is a city kid so he does not really enjoy going to the barn ( I think he is a little afraid of my large TB), but he does like to get updates on how horsie is doing and is my #1 cheerleader for shows. He knows that owning a horse is my lifelong dream and was supportive of me owning a horse since he was with me through multiple catch-rides and leases.
Sometimes when I see other horsey husbands grooming their SO’s horse or helping out at the barn I get a little twinge of jealousy, but my DH will never be a farm-loving guy and that is OK. I’ve accepted the fact that he isn’t interested in a rural lifestyle, so as long as I own a horse I will have to board it. And that’s ok - He does not have to love horses like do, he just has to respect that they are a large part of my life and he does.
And now from the other side … I like horses but they are NOT a passion like my wife has for horses and riding. I do enjoy the farm life style. The mowing, the fixing, the equipment, open space, privacy, the lake, the wood stove, etc.
A long time ago, when I was a young man, I made the acquaintance of a much older senior VP of the company. We became friends, so when I heard he was getting a divorce. I asked him “Why ?” His answer was “After 33 years of marriage… We looked at each other and realized, we had nothing in common anymore. The children are grown and gone…” They got a very amicable divorce. He had a fancy sports car the next time we met.
Our children are grown and gone. We’re at 32 years together. Having horses and doing all the things horses entail keep us connected and interested together. The horse life style is expensive. But, divorce or therapy is even more costly.
Although earning all the money maybe shouldn’t give that spouse the right to set all the parameters, it’s also true that there’s nothing quite like both spouses earning a good income to establish a bit of equality in pursuing expensive hobbies.
What happens when you reverse things? Let’s say I met some unemployed sweet dufus guy who took early retirement or had some health problems or got made redundant in late middle age and gave up on the workforce (common enough scenarios). Or an aging art boy living in his studio who never found a place in the economy.
And sweet dufus guy wanted me to use my salary to fund his life on the golf course or his sports car or move somewhere fun where I couldn’t ride. Or shift my teaching load so we could winter in Mexico, meaning I wouldn’t have summer free to ride.
I would run screaming in horror.
I’ve been expected to live in the suburbs which I despise for the last 23 years. My spouse, on the other hand, has never even tried living in the country.
I have boarded. I don’t like boarding. My horse never gets the kind of care that I provided when I owned a boarding stable. I don’t like my horse not being where I can see her/him out my window or backdoor. My husband hated the expense of boarding.
The acreages I have owned were never more than 10-15 minutes from the nearest grocery store. Iowa is not a state filled with riding trails or boarding stables, large forested areas or mountains. It’s row crops and hogs. You’re never far from anything.
Final point: I’m familiar with the amount of work involved, I used to do it. In large part the work is what I miss, what I want in my life again.
Shopping therapy is darned expensive, too.
You could get a part time job at a local barn, keep your horse there, oversee his care. It sounds like it might come down to a choice between husband and acreage.
My ex was always jealous of the horses. He had no interest in watching me ride or show. He also had a legitimate concern about money. I admit it; I am not a good money manager. I did spend too much. He was also jealous of Mr. Darcy. Yeah, the fictional one. He was a high-end chef and was never home. Near the end of our marriage, I worked part time and took care our very disabled baby. I immersed myself in horses and Jane Austen. I was on the boards under a different name then, too. (J. Turner). He cheated on me while I struggled with the occasional life or death moments, living out of suitcases in hospitals, and generally trying to stay sane.
We divorced. It was the best thing I could’ve done, but there was plenty of blame to go around, more than I admitted at the time. You have to ask yourself, do I really have the money to do this a the level I am doing it? I didn’t, but there was also a lot of irrational jealousy too. It’s so rarely simple.
My SO is jealous of the time I spent with my horse. He tries not to be. He knows it is his issue. He always asks how my horse is health wise, how my ride was etc. SO has had a lot of health issues and the hospital had us speak to a therapist a couple of times. The horse was brought up. Therapist said to me he was happy I had outlets and that was important. He then stressed to SO how important outlets are and he needs them too. It helped a lot for SO to hear it from someone else.
As I always say…if you are not happy, divorce. Enjoy your life, it’s the only one you’ll ever get.
Have you explained to him how important horses are to you, and more importantly, your happiness? Maybe if he realized what a big part of your life they are, he would understand a bit better and not complain
This sounds like a lot of pressure on your SO. Sounds like he’s made a lot of concessions a long the way. I’d lay off and worry about his needs and your relationship, not horses. Take lessons or lease a horse.
Get a divorce, pay for your own life and hobbies, pay your own bills, manage your own money, live within your means…seems so simple, yet I keep seeing stories about SO’s paying old bills that weren’t theirs, student loans, lifestyles and hobbies not theirs…and then they’re knocked with comments of, “If he loved you he’d want you to be happy” etc. etc. etc…with comments about him being threatened by: horse/strong woman/time away from him…basically, he’s the one with the problem. Actually, yes he is…he wanted a partner, not a child to support. It is legal to hate horses, dogs, cats, sex in the city, bars…lots of things. Oh well.
Divorce, be happy, support yourself and live a good life without such selfish people.
