When I hear people complain about their SO’s lack of support for their horse pursuits, I often wonder how much they are supporting their SO’s passion.
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Please don’t just make things up.
My DH is one of the supportive ones. Back when we moved to start a new business, I gave up the horses and for 7 years did very little horsewise. I’m now back into it in a minor way, and encouraging my grandkids.
He’s always been a “as long as the sun is up, I should be working” kind of guy, but he’s now over 65 and talking retirement. He doesn’t know how to retire, doesn’t know what he will do when he retires, hasn’t a ((((( clue. I’ve told him to downsize at the job (since he’s the boss, after all) and we agreed to a 30/hr/week schedule within the year. Is he making it? No. I’ve told him if he doesn’t make it, I’m buying a horse.
It’s a potent threat.
I have also told him “I want you to have a life!” several times, but that doesn’t mean anything in his brain. Life is one big adjustment.
(I don’t really want to own a horse in our current circumstances. Never did like boarding. A barn lease might be an option.)
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Old thread for those that missed it on the last page
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So what to do if the thread is old? Seems like it’s still hits a nerve with a lot of people. Just asking.
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I would say that my SO truly has an irrational dislike of horses. I don’t quite understand it but from what I can see when he takes against something whatever it is he becomes irrational about it. I think he also has an irrational dislike/fear of living in a somewhat rural area.
This is an ancient thread…who brought it back to life? I ride, Mrs. Trak almost died in a riding accident and doesn’t/can’t risk riding again. So I drive carriages so she can share. I don’t expect her to pay for the horses…she says, “They’re ours, I pay half the board”. I lie about what they cost and try to support her hobbies/passions (got her a 53’ MGTD sportscar to play with), paid $1,500 for front row center tickets to see Neil Diamond (yech, but he put on a great show…I read my Kindle) (he was on her bucket list…I didn’t know she had a bucket list and won’t tell me what’s on it either). It’s a partnership, or should be.
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Yes, I do know of some horse owners that have spousal issues with their activity but they are not all women. I’m sure two divorces I can think of revolved around the husband’s equestrian activities.
I know lots of men who have wives that carp constantly about them spending money and time on guns, golf, or other male oriented activities.
Most of the time the grousing is not REALLY about horses or guns but a sign of other problems. Sounds to me like the OP is in trouble but they are misdiagnosing the cause. Knowing neither her nor her spouse I can’t say this for sure, but the probabilities are that I’m right.
G.
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As cranky as you try to seem sometimes, you sound like a great husband!!
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I’m going to side with Tracks comments from 9 years ago. Why would you have an SO that hates your hobby and becomes irrational about it? That’s grounds for “have a nice life.”
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I don’t think he’s cranky. He just knows what he does and does not want out of life and makes very clear boundaries about it.
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We fought this fight early in our marriage. I won’t bore you with the details, but Mr. McGurk had this crazy idea that once I was married and had a family, the horses wouldn’t be so important to me. (To be fair, he was also afraid I was going to hurt myself again and not be able to care for the baby - not irrational; I had a debilitating riding accident while we were dating.)
It was tough couple of years. We were in marriage counseling for a while, and he would complain about the money I was “wasting” on the horses, and the marriage counselor would reply “How many horses did she own when you got married?” I would complain about him being ridiculously frugal, and the marriage counselor would reply “Did you know that about him when you married him?”
We got through it, and are in a much better place. He understands that the horses are non-negotiable and essential to my well-being, and I take care to keep them low maintenance and frugally. When we went looking for our next house, a place I could keep the horses at home was a priority. I also make sure to support his long range plans and hobbies in the same way he supports mine.
He’s actually very supportive and helpful now that the horses are at home. Checks their water, puts out hay, maintains the truck and trailer for me.
A spouse not loving horses as much as I do is not a deal-breaker. A spouse wanting more of my attention and time in a positive way (not a controlling way) wouldn’t be a deal-breaker either. A spouse not caring about or respecting what I’ve clearly identified as important to me? Yeah, that would be a problem.
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Because it digs up lots of old things, and people don’t read from the top of the thread and end up spending lots of time writing out long responses to the OP when they no longer need the advice, and may be long gone. That is why this forum generally runs by starting new threads for new issues rather than bumping old ones. Different forums have different norms.
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But in another thread you are talking about retiring back to rural life to breed horses on your property. In that thread you were wondering about health issues and getting back in the saddle again. But a husband that hates horses and country life would seem to be a bit of a wrench in the machine?
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He had agreed to make the move. Past tense.
I didn’t own a horse when we met and got married. My ex had left me practically bankrupt and I was working 2-3 jobs just to make ends meet. So to make a long story short, I was distracted and depressed, I met my SO and we hit it off, he made me laugh, we got married. After that he paid off the bills my ex had left me with, I was struggling to find a job in my field that was full-time, then my father had a massive heart attack that left him brain damaged and my SO’s mother died all in one week. Next my mother died on 9/11, she was living in AZ, and left a huge financial mess. At any rate the first 5-6 years it was one thing after another and I just didn’t realized how much he hated horses and country living. I ended up on full disability in the meantime so yes, he’s been the breadwinner. I haven’t been able to pursue my hobby for years then, suddenly, he agrees to make the move to the country and we’ll have horses, yadda, yadda. That lasted about 2 weeks. Some of the things he said made me finally realize that he wasn’t just afraid of horses, he really hates them as animals.
You know, if you are fully disabled moving to a horse farm is NOT a good idea. I can see where he would be opposed to it. It is a lot of work that will likely fall on him since you are disabled. It’s not really fair to expect your SO to do work on a farm when he doesn’t even like horses.
You could dump him but you won’t be able to afford horses on SSI either so you still won’t have a horse. Think long and hard before you do that.
it also isn’t really fair to expect him to pay for your horse hobby.
He probably got spooked if you went from “moving to the country and getting a horse” to “let’s start a horse rescue and take in a bunch of TBs with issues…” in a matter of days. That would freak me out too and cause me to veer off. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea…he probably thought.
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Good points. I try to do everything I can re: horse work before asking Mr. McGurk for help. I’m very conscious of the fact that it’s not fair for him to shoulder the work when it’s not his thing and he gets no pleasure from it. I have to have his help to put out hay in the winter, most other chores I can do myself or hire a teen to help me. If he does end up doing horse work, I try to reciprocate with helping him with the garden, greenhouse or fruit trees. (Not my thing. At all.)
He wanted the farm, the country life and livestock, he just isn’t comfortable handling the horses. (Except for tiny pony, who is his pet. He will do things for the tiny pony as long as he doesn’t have to do deal with the big horses.) He’ll meet the farrier for me, but I get the horses up, halter and fly spray them, and set everything up so all he has to do is chat up the farrier and hand over the check.
Communication, compromise, mutual respect…all the things that make marriage work in other areas make owning horses with a non horse loving SO work.
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Haha! I posted in this thread 10 years ago and times have changed! In 2012, at my high school 40th reunion, I reconnected with the guy I had a crush on in school. Neither one of us had ever married. We tied the knot in 2014 on my Dad’s 97th birthday. Dad passed away a mere two weeks later – relieved, I think, that I finally had “a man to take care of me”.
We don’t have the issues that lots of married couples have – no kids, for instance, and no close family on either side. We even live separately because Dad left me his condo and Hubby has his home – completely paid for. We’ve agreed we’re too old to change/adapt to each other’s idiosyncrasies. I’m an Owl, he’s a Lark. I’m Oscar, he’s Felix. I have a very noisy Patagonian Conure (parrot) that gets on Hubby’s nerves – that’s a reason I go visit HIM at HIS place, not the other way around.
He’s very supportive of my horse passion and is proud of me and my training to be a PATH instructor and PARA coach. I pay for those expenses myself. We have a “Mad Money” shared account for things like dinners out and trips.
He collects and rebuilds HO scale slot cars. I support him in that, although I don’t always understand what he’s talking about when he waxes poetic on things like “pick-up shoes” versus “wire braid pickups”. He is a whiz on CAD and Three-D prints chassis for his HO cars. If he’d been born 100 years ago, he’d probably have been a watchmaker. What he does takes much patience and skill.
It’s an odd, unique marriage and it wouldn’t work for most people. It works for us, though!
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He doesnt mention our animal expenses and I dont mention his football season tickets 
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Maybe if you doted on him a little more he wouldn’t be jealous? Have you ever doted on him? Has he ever doted on you?
