Does anyone else have the unsupportive husband issue?

[imapepper]

[QUOTE=QHDQ;4054233]
Take this from experience, YOU NEED TO CHANGE SOMETHING. I am not saying give up horses or change anything that really matters. Do not compromise you, but husbands who complain about the horse are generally complaining about something else.

I hope my story can help. I was at the point of divorce. We were able to back away and now everything is okay but I had to 1) explain that the horse thing made me the person he loved and without it I would be different; 2) tell him I appreciated him more with both words and deeds - stupid things like not wearing dirty breeches around the house or sending him an email in the middle of the day telling him I loved him, etc); 3) don’t tell him everything about the horse - men are especially jeleous of geldings/stallions - no sheath cleaning stories or how I love kissing my gelding’s nose after he eats hay; 4) I got involved in something he loves - for him it’s golf - I go out on the course with him about twice a month (I’m actually not bad), and I listen to him when he talks about his new club or how he hit this great shot right into the water.

Marriage is about compromise. Some things you don’t compromise (riding and owning a horse) and other things you do (ie, bringing home dinner after a horse show versus leaving it to him).
Good luck.[/QUOTE]

These are the things that I try to do also. My DH totally understands the horse thing but he doesn’t love feeling second or pencilled in because I am spending too much time at the barn. I work full time and teach a handful of people on the weekends plus have a couple of greenies to work. I fit a lot of stuff in my day.

What means a bunch to him is when I do just email him or call him during the day. Or bring home dinner. Or spend the evening outside with him while he plays with his telescope. Or coming home looking and smelling like a girl from time to time :lol: He just doesn’t like to feel like his role in my life is “also ran”

[foggybok]

[QUOTE=Trakehner;4053832]
Jeeze, another “jerk guy” thread…I’m waiting for the “men are scared of tough/smart/capable/strong women/are afraid of horses” lines to be used…

Here’s a simple test of reality.

Can you afford your horses and life by yourself?

This means, rent, vacation, insurance, retirement, food, board, vet bills, car loan payments, tack and horse shows on your own salary without any help from any other person.

Can you live as an adult without your husband paying for your hobby. When people say, “I pay for my horses with my salary”, it’s actually a joke. If the husband is paying for the home/cars/everything else and she’s paying for her hobby, it’s a cute fantasy but not reality…you are not an adult, you’re acting as a child with the parent taking care of their necessities.

If you can’t pay for yourself, guess what, you’re being supported by your husband.

If you can support yourself and your horses…then divorce and be happy.

If you can’t support yourself and your horses…be grateful he’s supporting your life beyond what you can afford…time to face reality.[/QUOTE]

LOL, well, actually it’s true! There was a recent study published. Men say they want strong smart capable women, but when asked the right questions, their answers reveal that it’s not really true. Was a fascinating study!

That said, of course this does not apply to all men.

And I think the women you are refering to are not really smart strong and independent. If there were they would be supporting their habit.

Me, I bought the farm, the truck, the trailer, the tractor (and the tractor store still sends him the Christmas card… )

My friends, most of them bought and paid for farms and tractors as well.

My husband is the kept man And he is very supportive of my horse habit. In fact I tell him he’s supposed to tell me I don’t really NEED another one…but he doesn’t…

And he will ride (45 minutes is the limit, but that’s something…)

And I would never think of divorce!

[imapepper]

[QUOTE=EquineSublime;4057819]
Coming from the other side of the fence.

Ladies I have to ask you, didn’t your potential DH/SO know of your passion BEFORE you got together permanently?

If so wasn’t he aware that you would not give up that passion just because of him?

I can’t for the life of me fathom that he would have no idea about your passion or that you would also have no idea that he might dislike your passion before you got married.[/QUOTE]

That is actually where the joke was on me :lol: When I met my DH, he owned 2 horses and was showing AA and AO jumpers. I got ripped off. He quit riding and expected me to quit too. I was the barn help when we met and was perfectly happy living at home (Mom enjoyed the personal chef/free grocery delivery) and working 6 days a week 15 hours per day for next to nothing. I guess the difference was horses are my passion and he enjoyed the competing.

He would like nothing better than for me to “grow up” and get rid of horses He says he realizes how important they are to me but he does have a way of making me feel guilty about how much time I spend though

[centeur]

I used to have a husband like that

and now he’s an “X”. Sounds like this guy is not your cup of tea. Cut your losses now and be the person you want to be. There’s enough stress in life. Keep it simple. Good luck to you. Be true to yourself.

[EquineSublime]

[QUOTE=imapepper;4061861]
That is actually where the joke was on me :lol: When I met my DH, he owned 2 horses and was showing AA and AO jumpers. I got ripped off. He quit riding and expected me to quit too. I was the barn help when we met and was perfectly happy living at home (Mom enjoyed the personal chef/free grocery delivery) and working 6 days a week 15 hours per day for next to nothing. I guess the difference was horses are my passion and he enjoyed the competing.

He would like nothing better than for me to “grow up” and get rid of horses He says he realizes how important they are to me but he does have a way of making me feel guilty about how much time I spend though :([/QUOTE]

This is where I get lost on the whole thing. “Grow up and get rid of the horses” as if horses are childish? Hmmmm. I understand the childhood fascination that young girls have with horses but the reality sure doesn’t match when you actually own one. Granted I was a city boy through my childhood and horses were something you saw at the county fair, in parades or on TV. I wasn’t introduced to one in person until after I was 18. All I knew at that point was that they were a lot of work (yes I got roped into some of the nastier jobs of horse care and what seemed like those god awfully boring horse shows while dating) and it sure wasn’t like the horses on TV.

I suppose, as I recall, the attitude changed when I finally got brave enough to actually get on the back of this cantankerous welsh/morgan cross that my wife’s sister owned (who had a trot like a jackhammer). Wife figured that I was not in anyway ready for her Arab of that time (she was right) and that the little morgan would be a good horse to learn on (we don’t mention the 3 board fence I got tossed through).

Forget competing against other horses and riders, competing with the horse is enough. Even my sweetheart of an Arab has days when she tells me “I got your collection right here buddy” or the wife’s level 3 TB, who knows way more than I do, deciding to throw one of her advanced maneuvers on me just for fun to see if I’m paying attention. For a real thrill :eek: I occasionally get on the DD’s jumper (I wasn’t set up properly so YOU go over that fence first and tell me how it works out).

Competition? Who needs competition? Some days it becomes me against the horse and being almost 50 I don’t bounce as well as I used to

I suppose if I was to “grow up” I should take up golf or something (wait I already play that game and most of the time think “wouldn’t this be a great place to ride”)

[sa11yb]

I am so blessed to have a fiance’ that is supportive of my horse. When we started dating he realized how important the horse was to me. I am currently unemployed and yes, he does support me for the most part.

Prior to us moving in together, he asked how much the horse cost monthly, yearly etc. so he could be added to the household budget.

I have had other bf’s in the past that did not support the horse at all and/or were jealous of the time spent at the barn. That is simply why they are in the past.

I wish you luck with your husband.

[mkevent]

Marriage is a compromise where one of the partners usually feels that he or she is getting the short end of the stick!
I think there has been some very good advice posted here and it is a very sensitive topic. What it really boils down to is what works for those two people in the relationship. Yes, you can live on a gorgeous farm and your spouse make tons of money and support your hobby, but if he/she makes you feel guilty about it constantly, can you really enjoy the lifestyle you have?
DH is not a horseperson-plus he’s a financial guy, so he’ll never be convinced that horses are anything but a huge money drain. We’ll be married 24 years this June and horses have always been a sticking point in our relationship. Both parties do have to compromise and it’s not easy to do. What one person thinks is a big compromise may seem like nothing to the other partner. Communication is the other biggie. You need to bring up the sensitive topics and find a way to work out so neither party feels cheated emotionally, physically or financially.
Maybe you both need to figure out what is most important to you and work from there. DH has accepted the fact that horses will always be in our lives, even if he would prefer them not to be. I try to limit my horse time to when he’s not home and spend the weekends and especially the evenings together. I try to compete less than before-maybe one competition per month vs 2 during the peak season. I worked part time for the last 18 years in a career that I absolutely hated, but it paid the bills and helped the bottom line. I spent my income on anything horse/farm related and his income was for the home-so basically he does support the family and I’m responsible for the horses/farm expenses. I recently lost my job and I’m trying to make a go of it by boarding/odd jobs. I’m really happy and I’ve seen big personality changes in me for the better since I’ve been home-emotionally, my former career made me a wreck even though I was successful in it. I think DH feels more pressure on himself since I’ve been unemployed and we address this issue often. I don’t want it to be an “if I’m happy, you’re unhappy” type of relationship for either of us-it needs to be a “win-win” relationship and sometimes it takes a lot of work and tears to get to that point. The best you can do is be honest with your spouse and try to work it out. Good luck.

[texang73]

[QUOTE=centeur;4061873]
I had a husband like that, and now he’s an “X”. Good luck to you. Be true to yourself.[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

[BeastieSlave]

You aren’t alone

I avoided this thread until now. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a DH basher…

I’ve been married for 21 years. I had a horse when we married, but to be fair, he was just one horse. Now I have significantly more horses! I work hard and earn good money to pay for the beasties, but I know that the money that’s spent on them could be put to other good uses.

Both of our daughters ride and we have learned not to talk much about the horses aound him because it always makes DH start in on how much money is wasted on them. It’s not the time we spend away from him, it’s the money. That’s really a shame because he’s missing out on an important part of our lives. He just doesn’t want to hear about the horses - at all.

[Angela_Freda]

[QUOTE=BeastieSlave;4065254]

Both of our daughters ride and we have learned not to talk much about the horses aound him because it always makes DH start in on how much money is wasted on them. It’s not the time we spend away from him, it’s the money. That’s really a shame because he’s missing out on an important part of our lives. He just doesn’t want to hear about the horses - at all.[/QUOTE]
Thats rough.
I don’t see this thread as DH ‘bashing’, maybe I need new glasses?
I see it as sharing frustrations with others who might understand. What’s so wrong about wanting someone you love and is so important in your life to be supportive [which does not automatically mean ‘financially’ ] and part of something that means so much to most of us?
shrug

[sid]

Maybe the unsupportiveness is just that…no matter what hobby (not just horses) or passion might take you away from time to time.

Some people just need more attention than others.

[BeastieSlave]

@Angela Freda;4065274

I don’t see this thread as DH ‘bashing’, maybe I need new glasses?

Sorry, I guess I didn’t put it so well. I avoided the thread until now because I was afraid it was full of DH bashing.

Also rereading what I wrote I realized that I didn’t make clear that DH and I have an otherwise good and strong marriage. It’s a shame that he doesn’t participate in the equine portion of my equine life because he’s a good guy. He does make a small effort for the girls.

My point was that sometimes it’s possible to have an otherwise good life with an unsupportive DH.

[Old_Equine_Lady]

[QUOTE=Trakehner;4054207]

I always suggest reverse-the-situation. How many women here would work all day to support their husbands, pay all the day-to-day bills and expenses and smile as their guy works part time and put up with them whining, “But I pay for my own hobby out of my money, it doesn’t cost her anything, she’s not supportive of my need to fish all day and the weekends and I was fishing when she met me”…and then sigh and say, “But I know it really makes him happy and saves so much money on psychiatric care…and shouldn’t I support his passion, it’s only money?” I hope nobody.[/QUOTE]

I do support his passion and I work all day, pay the bills and expenses while he is home. I wish his passions didn’t cost as much as they do, but we do have a give and take marriage. When my daughter was showing, more money went our way, not his. Now that he is retired and home, more money is going his way. When I retire, not sure which way the money will go, I guess that depends on our retirement accounts!

[Angela_Freda]

[QUOTE=BeastieSlave;4065397]
Sorry, I guess I didn’t put it so well. I avoided the thread until now because I was afraid it was full of DH bashing.[/QUOTE]
I thought that was what you meant. I bet many did that- avoided the thread thinking it was a bashing thread. I also think many here call it ‘bashing’ when it really isn’t.
Whining? Maybe.
Justified? At times.
Bashing? Sometimes.

[goinghome]

@xeroxchick

Oh, brother. This is the 21st century. It’s not like the “housewife” had to wash clothes by hand or lug water from a stream. I just don’t buy it.
btw, agree 100% with Trak.

Addressing this to Trak also:
So say the husband for various reasons has made a lot more money than the wife throughout the marriage. So most of the couple’s current assets came from his work. The money is there. It’s been earned, accumulated, invested, etc. over the course of a couple of decades. Does that give him the right to decide unilaterally how much money the wife can spend on her hobby? Or if she can even have a particular hobby? This is a husband who says “I’ll support you in anything you want to do” and “It’s all (the assets) our money” right up until the wife finds something she really wants to do at which point it’s “You’re on your own” or “Fine, spend your OWN money”

[Scribbler]

This is an ancient thread and most of the folks are no longer active on COTH.

[mmeqcenter]

@goinghome

Addressing this to Trak also:
So say the husband for various reasons has made a lot more money than the wife throughout the marriage. So most of the couple’s current assets came from his work. The money is there. It’s been earned, accumulated, invested, etc. over the course of a couple of decades. Does that give him the right to decide unilaterally how much money the wife can spend on her hobby? Or if she can even have a particular hobby? This is a husband who says “I’ll support you in anything you want to do” and “It’s all (the assets) our money” right up until the wife finds something she really wants to do at which point it’s “You’re on your own” or “Fine, spend your OWN money”

IMO, finances are extremely personal and it’s really not anyone else’s place to tell a couple if they’re doing it right or not.
Would I personally be okay with a money-making husband telling me what I can and cannot spend money on? No.
Does that mean Sally-Jo isn’t allowed to be okay with it? No.
Everyone’s relationships are different and everyone can make their own rules. Unhappy with the foot your significant other is trying to put down? Work it out, be adults, or move on if it’s that serious.

People need to discuss these “sensitive subjects” with a potential life partner before it becomes a long-term relationship or marriage.

[Ladylexie]

I’m so sorry about this. Even my dearly departed husband was somewhat supportive and my current SO is ridiculous in his support. I would say bewildered st times but supportive.

[Ladylexie]

@Scribbler

This is an ancient thread and most of the folks are no longer active on COTH.

oops just noticed…I’m sure some ladies can relate.

[stargzng386]

@indygirl2560

I have an unsupportive parent issue! I swear they hate everything to do with horses. Thank God I can drive and work!

Been there done that, it took 30 years for them to come around but now they’re supportive. My mom said I’ve realized you’re not going to grow out of it and you seem happier with horses so whatever you want to do you’re an adult (apparently this didn’t apply in my 20s.)