Does anyone else have the unsupportive husband issue?

[Char]

[QUOTE=EquineSublime;4057819]
Coming from the other side of the fence.

Ladies I have to ask you, didn’t your potential DH/SO know of your passion BEFORE you got together permanently?

If so wasn’t he aware that you would not give up that passion just because of him?

I can’t for the life of me fathom that he would have no idea about your passion or that you would also have no idea that he might dislike your passion before you got married.[/QUOTE]

Ahh, but how things change! He also helped with the housework, before we got married…

[ser42]

Dr. Laura- you mean Dr. Whora??

Ugh, first of all, her Ph.D. is in a totally different field.

Secondly, she blames the WOMEN in marriages which the man cheated.

Wanna know why? She was the other woman to her now-husband.

She’s a quack.

[InWhyCee_Redux]

[QUOTE=EquineSublime;4057819]
Coming from the other side of the fence.

Ladies I have to ask you, didn’t your potential DH/SO know of your passion BEFORE you got together permanently?

If so wasn’t he aware that you would not give up that passion just because of him?

I can’t for the life of me fathom that he would have no idea about your passion or that you would also have no idea that he might dislike your passion before you got married.[/QUOTE]

If you knew EVERYTHING about your SO, you wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place — no one would! There’s a reason why Shakespeare coined the saying “love is blind”…

[rugbygirl]

Your husband should be happy you aren’t with another man or arenm’t on drugs or out drinking in bars.

What?

Your partner should let everything go as long as you aren’t cheating on him, doing drugs or working on your alcoholism?

That’s one of the most immature things I’ve read on this board…and that’s saying something. No wonder you’re not in a relationship.

A marriage (or any exclusive relationship) is a partnership, give and take. There are showstoppers, but in the end you need to compromise. I love my partner and he loves me…if he insisted that I boot the horses, I would…because my human partner is more important than a farm animal. Of course, since I support myself and the horses and he KNOWS how much they mean to me…he isn’t going to frivolously ask me to get rid of them either.

[OnThinIce]

@EquineSublime;4057819

Coming from the other side of the fence.

Ladies I have to ask you, didn’t your potential DH/SO know of your passion BEFORE you got together permanently?

If so wasn’t he aware that you would not give up that passion just because of him?

I can’t for the life of me fathom that he would have no idea about your passion or that you would also have no idea that he might dislike your passion before you got married.

The other side of the fence, huh? :lol: How 'bout the horses came after the relationship was established? How 'bout people change? Maybe you should try and fathom those possibilities (and a myriad of others), before posting in the future. Personally I think you’re a troll. Can someone really be this narrow minded?

[equusvilla]

" I Don - take thee Julie…(short hesitation) and your horses…"

Yes - this is a true story and that was 18 years ago!

That is how I handled any future discussions we had about it.

…but did I mention he has a boat…a BIG boat.

[Trevelyan96]

[QUOTE=EquineSublime;4057819]
Coming from the other side of the fence.

Ladies I have to ask you, didn’t your potential DH/SO know of your passion BEFORE you got together permanently?

If so wasn’t he aware that you would not give up that passion just because of him?

I can’t for the life of me fathom that he would have no idea about your passion or that you would also have no idea that he might dislike your passion before you got married.[/QUOTE]

Actually, my passion got sprung on poor DH in our 4th or 5th year of marriage! It started with “I think I’ll take some riding lessons, I loved riding as a kid.” and turned into buying property, building a barn, etc., etc., etc. So if ANY man has the right to whine and complain, its him! They’re a LOT of work, and his total lack of interest in them just makes the fact that he’s allowed me to pursue my passion for them to this extent all the more amazing and wonderful. I know he does it because he takes his responsibility to be a good husband very seriously, and to him that includes wanting to see me happy.

Does he grumble? Of course. Do I mind his grumbling? Sometimes, but I’ve come to accept that he likes his role as the martyr. Its his ACTIONS that let me know that he’s supportive. Like the day Trav had to be put down. As soon as I reached him at work, he was on his way home to be with me! And how HE was the first one to bring up the subject of getting another horse to keep Rico company! Frankly, there are times I feel guilty that he does SO much for MY passion! After reading through this thread yesterday, I went home, gave him a big kiss and told him how much I appreciate him, and I wanted him to know that if he ever does find a passion he wants to pursue, I’ll be behind him 100%. But yes, I’m spoiled, and I know it. And hopefully he know that even though he asks a lot less of me, I happily give a lot more if he did ask for it.

[soccermom711]

[QUOTE=equusvilla;4057965]
"

…but did I mention he has a boat…a BIG boat.[/QUOTE]

I’m sorry, but that just made me laugh.:lol::lol::lol:

Anyway, I have first hand experience with a failed marriage, counseling and a subsequent, so far successful, relationship.

IMHO, this entire issue has nothing to do with horses, and everything to do with either a)self centered or b)controlling behaviors. Of course, there’s room in there for poor communication, financial stress, children and other factors that definitely affect a relationship. However, from my experience and watching as friends and acquaintances marriages fail one after the next, I’ve found that primarily either one person is so oblivious and self-centered that they can’t or won’t see how their “hobby” affects everyone else in the household OR one person has control issues. My ex fell into the latter category and it had nothing to do with horses. It’s not the only reason I left him, but it was a huge factor. Even though he did not want to do anything more than sit in front of the TV, he also did not want me to have any outside interests. It got to the point that he would complain if I was reading a book in the same room while he was watching TV, because he didn’t have my full attention. Some people simply do not like to be alone and require more hand holding for various reasons and eventually it wore me down.

The current SO is extremely busy with his business and farm. I’m extremely busy working FT and being a single mother to 3 busy kids. You’d think that would work out really well, wouldn’t you? :eek: I thought so.:no: Turns out we actually had to learn to communicate and negotiate about how to spend what little free time we had together. While my kids have to come first, and his “kids” (horses) are a huge responsibility, we’ve worked hard to find ways to make the other person feel like a priority and really try to make the most of the time we do have together.

Time will tell. At least we both agree on the horses.

[littleum]

[QUOTE=EquineSublime;4057819]
Coming from the other side of the fence.

Ladies I have to ask you, didn’t your potential DH/SO know of your passion BEFORE you got together permanently?

If so wasn’t he aware that you would not give up that passion just because of him?

I can’t for the life of me fathom that he would have no idea about your passion or that you would also have no idea that he might dislike your passion before you got married.[/QUOTE]

We had been dating about a year when he asked “So when are you going to give up the horses?”

From the expression on his face I must have given him the Ultimate Hairy EyeBall of Doom and he saw his life flash before his eyes.

“I had the horses before you, I will have the horses after you. You don’t have to like them and you don’t have to participate BUT don’t you DARE think about getting in my way. Got it?”

He never asked again.

[EquineSublime]

[QUOTE=OnThinIce;4057944]
The other side of the fence, huh? :lol: How 'bout the horses came after the relationship was established?
How 'bout people change? Maybe you should try and fathom those possibilities (and a myriad of others), before posting in the future. Personally I think you’re a troll. Can someone really be this narrow minded?[/QUOTE]

Who are you the posting police?

I’m fully aware that things change. That this could have been a later in relationship event. But even if it was, to think that either party was completely ignorant of the others desires or to be able to compromise on it is indicative of a communication problem of the first order.

When I was dating my wife of 26 years I knew all about her horse passion before we got married. In fact she even taught me to ride. When we got married I knew the horse came with the deal. She was also aware of my passion for motorcycle road racing and aviation. Choices in our early marriage meant that horses and my racing took a back seat to careers, children and what not.

After a hiatus of many years we returned to the horse world on the premise that my wife thought our daughter would like to have a horse after spending the summer with relatives on their ranch. Was I surprised by this decision after 15+ years of not owning a horse? Sort of, though I knew that it was coming, I didn’t expect it until she came home and told me she’d bought the horse. At the time we were living the typical suburban life and all I could think was how are we going to be able to afford this? The answer was fairly simple.

I compromised.

We sold the house, bought some acreage, I gave up aviation for the most part (wife was never into flying anyway, it scared the hell out of her) and embraced the time and effort for the horses. Did I ever resent any of it? No. I figured that if I wanted to spend time with my wife I might as well spend it with her and the horses. Even if I didn’t have any idea about them they were still fascinating creatures and the time at the barn was very relaxing.

Fast forward a few years. Many hours of mindless manual labor to fix up the pastures and 3 rescues later I couldn’t be happier. I’ve watched my daughter ride her first H/J show, trained 3 greenies to be useful mounts, scored well on my first level 1 dressage test on a horse I trained and me and my wife are currently working on a pas de deux routine. We became a team instead or adversaries.

My whole point is that I knew from the get go what my wife was into. Instead or resenting or being unsupportive of her passion, I chose to embrace it. I don’t care that I made the compromise. I simply replaced the interests I gave up with another one.

I never looked back once that decision was made.

[cuatx55]

@soccermom711;4058022

I’ve found that primarily either one person is so oblivious and self-centered that they can’t or won’t see how their “hobby” affects everyone else in the household OR one person has control issues.

this is the core of the problems, not just with horses for I have seen this over and over in non-riding friends. Sometimes its not a hobby but a job that is so all consuming. Control issues are also quite self-serving as well. And of course both can be the case-narrow view point and a very controlling other person…

[Sansena]

[QUOTE=wylde sage;4053613]
Ugh, please tell me I’m not the only one out there that has the he!! husband who gripes about time and money spent on and with horses. Makes life right unpleasant and sure makes it not worth spending time with that person![/QUOTE]

Mine used to be unsupportive, till I moved dear pohn to out of state for FT training.

I’ve gained weight, battle depression daily and generally feel ‘less than’ since he’s been away. Lately DH’s comments start with “Will you PLEEEEEZE go see your horse today?!?!”

[Sansena]

[QUOTE=Trakehner;4053832]
Jeeze, another “jerk guy” thread…I’m waiting for the “men are scared of tough/smart/capable/strong women/are afraid of horses” lines to be used…

Here’s a simple test of reality.

Can you afford your horses and life by yourself?

This means, rent, vacation, insurance, retirement, food, board, vet bills, car loan payments, tack and horse shows on your own salary without any help from any other person.

Can you live as an adult without your husband paying for your hobby. When people say, “I pay for my horses with my salary”, it’s actually a joke. If the husband is paying for the home/cars/everything else and she’s paying for her hobby, it’s a cute fantasy but not reality…you are not an adult, you’re acting as a child with the parent taking care of their necessities.

If you can’t pay for yourself, guess what, you’re being supported by your husband.

If you can support yourself and your horses…then divorce and be happy.

If you can’t support yourself and your horses…be grateful he’s supporting your life beyond what you can afford…time to face reality.[/QUOTE]

Trak: I usually agree with your posts. But to this one I respectfully reply “BITE ME”

What’s important to DH is not important to me. Our last blow out occurred over his being wrong over a leaking dishwasher. It was ugly, let me tell you. One particularly stinging comment was ‘You don’t know how good you’ve got it’. I quickly reminded him that I was perfectly content living in my 800sq ft apartment above a barn, working off rent ('twas free) along with a free stall. My horse was/is the center of my happiness and though now I live in a considerably larger house, my only benefit from it is having to take 4x as long to clean it. My diet has changed since marriage, my free time needs to be accounted for, and I’ve been told ‘we have enough animals’. These things I allow because I love DH very, very much. However, I believe his idea of the perfect existence is quite different from mine.

So, yeah. I get your point. But it’s not as clear as you intend.

FWIW, I pay every nickle toward my horse and household expenses as well. I’m sure many women here who are griping do the same. And still have to put up with the equi-jealous.
It’s a concession we make because we had the misfortune of falling in love with a non-horsey type.

[fullmoon_fever]

[QUOTE=Trakehner;4053832]
Jeeze, another “jerk guy” thread…I’m waiting for the “men are scared of tough/smart/capable/strong women/are afraid of horses” lines to be used…

Here’s a simple test of reality.

Can you afford your horses and life by yourself?

This means, rent, vacation, insurance, retirement, food, board, vet bills, car loan payments, tack and horse shows on your own salary without any help from any other person.

Can you live as an adult without your husband paying for your hobby. When people say, “I pay for my horses with my salary”, it’s actually a joke. If the husband is paying for the home/cars/everything else and she’s paying for her hobby, it’s a cute fantasy but not reality…you are not an adult, you’re acting as a child with the parent taking care of their necessities.

If you can’t pay for yourself, guess what, you’re being supported by your husband.

If you can support yourself and your horses…then divorce and be happy.

If you can’t support yourself and your horses…be grateful he’s supporting your life beyond what you can afford…time to face reality.[/QUOTE]

I haven’t been here in ages, but thought I would respond to this.

I’m in the very happy situation of being the one who earns the salary. I am the one who puts a roof over his head, food on the table, games for his Xbox and buys all feed for the cats/dogs/horses.

I work two jobs and my delightful husband takes care of the farm and the animals. I am fortunate that I found a man who loved everything about me, including my animals. Do I sometimes wish he had a paying job? Sure, it would make things easier on me, but the fact that we are both happy is a lot more important.

[Mrs_Cowboy]

Ha!

[QUOTE=DLee;4054329]
I used to. Now I have a different husband. :D[/QUOTE]

What she said!

[Transplant]

I think there is a difference between unsupportive and guys who are resentful because you’re not supportive enough for them.

I can deal with unsupportive - you’re not interested, you want no part of it, fine but what I cannot deal with is someone who is resentful because I’m not taking enough good care of them.

I’m simply not a nuturing person and I learned long ago to steer away from anyone who seemed to give more support or expect more than I was willing to give. And if they seem to give a lot of love, support, and understanding in the beginning; sooner or later they are going to expect the same measure of attention in return.

[rothmpp]

[QUOTE=Trakehner;4053832]
Jeeze, another “jerk guy” thread…I’m waiting for the “men are scared of tough/smart/capable/strong women/are afraid of horses” lines to be used…

Here’s a simple test of reality.

Can you afford your horses and life by yourself?

This means, rent, vacation, insurance, retirement, food, board, vet bills, car loan payments, tack and horse shows on your own salary without any help from any other person.

Can you live as an adult without your husband paying for your hobby. When people say, “I pay for my horses with my salary”, it’s actually a joke. If the husband is paying for the home/cars/everything else and she’s paying for her hobby, it’s a cute fantasy but not reality…you are not an adult, you’re acting as a child with the parent taking care of their necessities.

If you can’t pay for yourself, guess what, you’re being supported by your husband.

If you can support yourself and your horses…then divorce and be happy.

If you can’t support yourself and your horses…be grateful he’s supporting your life beyond what you can afford…time to face reality.[/QUOTE]

As a couple of others have said, I often agree with your sensible point of view, but this time, not so much…

A relationship is not only about the monetary balance sheet. My DH makes good living that keeps us very comfortable. It wasn’t always this way. For years I was the main breadwinner, or often the only breadwinner. I never begrudged him being home when I was at work for selfish reasons, only that his bad decisions led to him being unemployed for long stretches. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, he is pretty resentful that I am home and he is not. At least one conversation a day will have the phrase “When you get a job” in it. He is not taking into account the give or take $60K I make working three side jobs from home essentially around the clock while looking for work. He is not taking into account the fact that his unemployment was his own doing. Mine is a victim of having been employed by an auto supplier in Michigan. We all know where those jobs went. I’m now competing with 500K other unemployed people in my state for the few jobs available.

My SO does not resent the time I spend on the horses - the money is another matter. I’m really careful about the expenses, but anything is more than he would like. I’m also very careful to spend the time on the horse when he is not home. Evenings and weekends are spent on family time.

I will have to give you one point, though. I have had the conversation with more than one horse friend boasting about how they support their horses entirely on their own with their ‘own’ money from part time work, selling horses, or training/teaching. These women are the ones with successful, professional spouses who support the rest of the expenses that come from life, so that none of the money the horse person makes has to support the household. Those are the ones that give the rest of us a bad name.

[Trakehner]

[QUOTE=rothmpp;4058692]
I will have to give you one point, though. I have had the conversation with more than one horse friend boasting about how they support their horses entirely on their own with their ‘own’ money from part time work, selling horses, or training/teaching. These women are the ones with successful, professional spouses who support the rest of the expenses that come from life, so that none of the money the horse person makes has to support the household. Those are the ones that give the rest of us a bad name.[/QUOTE]

And these are the ones I was talking about and they’re pretty common depending on where you live. I didn’t badmouth housewives or stay at homes…I knocked the ungrateful spoiled child-wives demanding everything they wanted be given to them with the fantasy of them being functioning adults. Unfortunately, on COTH, it’s not well tolerated to not go along with these fantasies.

[OnThinIce]

@EquineSublime;4058425

Who are you the posting police?

Thought you were a troll trying to stir it up. Instead, you’re a supportive husband! My bad. Sorry!

[eventersmom]

I have to admit I was worried about whether my SO would be supportive of the horse thing BUT I had the horses before I met him and it was part of my lifestyle when we married.

I don’t know if I just got lucky or what but my city born, city loving, animal ambivilent hubby has become a jump and fence building, horse grooming and haltering, hay bale slinging, horse trailer buying god-send. Even though he prefers to stay out of the saddle, he is actively involved in the horses daily care and very interested in our activities. I’ve found as long as I keep him informed and we do horse related projects together, he’s very happy to have them around!