I don’t think that’s how it really is. Finding a casual inseminator is not at all difficult. Most women who are still looking in their 30s are looking for something more, an actual relationship (which is why they’ve waited that long!) but they don’t want to waste more time with guys who want go be casual for another 5 years, and there’s nothing nefarious in being up front about it. They probably got to their 30s childless by waiting for the boyfriends in their 20s to grow up, and, whoops.
8 Likes
Fair enough. I just can’t imagine having kids with someone I hardly know, that seems really risky and careless for the kids.
8 Likes
I just shared with all with DH and he totally relates 
He said when he was 32-38 every woman he met was hyper focused on having a kid Right.Now. I think when you find your person, this won’t feel as big of a compromise as it seems. Are you open to dating women with children already? I won’t roast you if you say no; I wasn’t willing to date any guys with kids myself. That may or may not be a scenario that wouldn’t be as quick of a rush for a biological child but would have other trade offs.
When I met DH, I had it in my profile that I was in NO rush to even cohabitate together. It wasn’t that I wasn’t open to it, but I didn’t want to be anywhere near a guy that was going to push me on it. We started dating in January and bought a house that same November. It felt right and made sense so it was a much easier decision than I thought it would have been.
DH says this is dating app life
He also wants to know how does your profile compare to other guys in LA? He wonders if yours might not be as edgy or enticing as say dudes with shirts off (gag me) or posing with sports cars (gag me again) or party/drinking 
. It might just be that people in LA are looking for more care free fun and yours comes off as stable/boring or too outdoorsy (nothing wrong with any of that). My two cents is if your pictures don’t read as interesting and adventurous, your audience has a different definition of interesting and adventurous and are probably self sorting. Looking at your profile I get like PNW or Colorado vibes…not a city like LA.
5 Likes
It’s horrific!!
2 Likes
Looks like he and I shared a similar journey through dating!
Maybe you’re right in the sense that if I meet the right person, it won’t feel as big of a compromise but who knows. I’ve got financial reasons for wanting to delay kids as well. I bought a house at the beginning of this year and all the work that needs to be done will have me spending a good chunk of money for the next few years. I’d like to have at least that done before kids come along and have a chance to restock the financial coffers.
I definitely feel like the older one gets, the more compromise one has to deal with. I don’t want to be with someone who has kids from another marriage though.
I’m no quintessential LA guy. I would suspect most LA guys don’t ride horses, hunt, fly in vintage planes, etc. so maybe I just come across as weird/old/boring 
I did change most of my pictures to horse pictures but nothing changed regarding getting more likes/matches.
I don’t know what other guy’s profiles look like but I’ve heard MOST guys put no effort into their profiles at all. I also heard that many LA girls want to see some evidence of a partying/nightlife but again, I rarely drink and bars/clubs are not places where I frequent and I definitely don’t want to attract partiers/clubbers (although I do go to dance clubs but that’s for dancing, not for drinking).
I remember quite well though it was a couple decades ago, talking with the boyfriend of a friend of mine, who was concerned that my friend (his girlfriend) was so certain she wanted to get married. He figured they’d date awhile (they had been dating awhile), then decide to get serious, and “eventually” decide if they wanted to get married.
If.
I told him that she had already made the decision she wanted to get married, and then went looking for a good, serious candidate. He was making his decisions in the other order: looking for a girlfriend first, then deciding if it was serious, then considering marriage.
It’s just two people making the 3 step decision in different order. He was willing to waste his time with possible non-serious candidates, she wasn’t because she already knew her goal.
They weren’t being pushed by biology because they didn’t want children (and didn’t have children). But it was true none the less that she had already decided what kind of future she wanted, and it wasn’t endless dating.
They’ve been together about 40? years now.
People make up their minds about certain things differently.
9 Likes
I bet you this is a lot of why you’re not getting as many matches. Combine that with being in the not so sweet spot of probably not wanting to date a whole lot younger than you (party stage/not on the same page), but also not wanting to move too quickly into marriage/kids which many women in their 30’s do have a clock.
DH and I have made very few compromises and no difficult ones (to date)! He just ended up having to wait till his 40’s and I had to learn from my mistakes after marrying someone who essentially was a grifter. It sounds like you really live life and have a good social life and there’s a lot to be said for that. I completely understand the want to have someone special to share it with, which I’m sure will happen for you. Until then, enjoy the ride as much as you can!
I also admire my DH for sticking to his guns and walking away from women that didn’t align well with him. I certainly wish I would have been a little pickier about my past relationships 
3 Likes
Yes. This. I decided I did not want to be with Mr. Right Now while looking for Mr. Right… so I didn’t get into many relationships for a long time if there were early signs it wasn’t going to be right for me.
5 Likes
Only one of these compromises is bound by actual biological and physical imperatives. Think about that.
14 Likes
@aregard So how did they eventually reconcile this? It seems like he took the approach I’m taking whilst she took the approach that a few of the women I’m interacting with are taking (sans kids) and yet they ended up together nonetheless.
@FjordBCRF That is arguably the problem I’m having on the apps combined with the fact that the mid/late 20s women I meet in person are already taken. Not a fun limbo to be in 
My life is very full right now with so many things I’ve been wanting to do for years so I’m definitely having fun and meeting many new people and experiencing many awesome things. I guess I just need to put aside the desire for a relationship, probably delete all the apps and learn to enjoy my life solo for the time being. Grass is always greener I suppose. Thank you for all your advice!
@2bayboys Absolutely, which is why I’d never ask a woman to stick around and wait until I’m ready. I fully understand that if our timelines do not coincide, she has every right to walk away and I’m okay with that. With regards to me compromising on that, I know I would absolutely regret it if I rushed into marriage and kids, definitely kids. That isn’t a regret I’d want to live with for the rest of my life.
4 Likes
It is a tough age for everyone.
My co-worker is 32 and single. She has had random people (not friends) ask her if she’s considered freezing her eggs because “her time is ticking.”
As an adoptive parent (after infertility and miscarriage) I’ll just say - focus on the partner. The rest can/will come if you want it, or - if you don’t or decide against it in the end, it’s also ok if you’re with the right person. Families are made many ways. And you REALLY need a the right person when you’re dealing with adversity. (Not that you shouldn’t want that anyway, of course.)
8 Likes
This is a great comment. The number of friends/family/coworkers that have had fertility challenges seems to keep growing irrespective of age. I’m truthfully surprised by the amount of people I know that have attempted IVF, some with success and some without. Heck! Due to my own health issues, had I wanted to get pregnant I would have likely had miscarriages due to my autoimmune blood clotting disease (pregnancy is how many women find out they have APS).
3 Likes
Very true. My priority is certainly finding the right person before anything else (easier said than done )
I think he sat with his ideas a little while and reordered his decision-making. Asked himself IF he wanted to be married. (It’s a decision he was going to put off til later, but her position made him think consciously about it now.) He decided, yes, he did want to be married. Then he had to think if he wanted to be married to her. And I guess he did.
I make it sound rather cut and dried, which I assure you it wasn’t. They loved each other, yadda yadda, but that alone didn’t get them over this little hump in their relationship. They had to consciously reorder their thinking to get on the same page.
You sound like a “someday” kind of person. There are things you want someday. So, my question to you is: when is that day? And (think about it) come that day, who is going to be the other person on the other side of the relationship? They are 50 percent of the question.
I haven’t read the whole thread, so I don’t know these answers, so this example is hypothetical. If you are 30 now, let’s just say, and you want marriage in the next few years (let’s say by 35) and you want kids, but not right away, maybe 5 years later, you’re 40 by the time your first kid hits the ground. What age is their mother? What life stage is that woman at, and what has she put up with or sacrificed or delayed to fit that timeline? (And, therefore, how likely is she to have waited around?)
Some woman, age par with you, isn’t going to want to put off children until she’s 40. (Some women have their children at 40, but it’s not something most SEEK. You see the difference.) She’s established professionally. Maybe she nixes children after all because of her work life.
Some woman 10 years younger than you (so she’s happy to have her children at 30) is 20 now, and living a very different life than you are. You want to go back to that? She’s not established in her profession, and what is she looking for in a relationship right now?
Obviously, a woman 10 years older than you is in a completely different place, and doesn’t consider your timeline viable.
So look at where you ARE. Consider WHEN you want what you want, and consider how that works for the people you are currently considering dating.
(Not that you asked for advice. Sorry.)
14 Likes
I’m 34 so I’d like to have kids before 40 which. 6 years might sound like a good chunk of time but time flies. When I say I want to wait until I get married/have kids, I’m not wanting to wait a decade. Probably no more than 5 years.
But I guess all of this is irrelevant since the most important part of all this is finding that person with whom I can see myself doing all that. Like your friend, I’m guessing it helps to have that someone which then allows you to reorder your thinking.
4 Likes
It seems to me that people who are looking for relationships get hung up on various things they must have, whether it’s boxes that need to be ticked, total compatibility in all things, or timing that meshes perfectly. In my experience, life is messy and rarely perfect.
When I met my husband, the timing couldn’t have been worse. I was about to graduate from college, had a terrific summer job lined up, to be followed by a gap year in Europe, then grad school. My husband was younger than me and still had 3 semesters of college left to do. He’d lived his whole life in Europe and wanted to see the U.S. He was planning to travel to from New York to Alaska in a camper van over the summer. I hate camping. He asked me to join him. I ran the idea past my parents who told me they would disown me if I went. I put aside the summer job, the gap years plans, grad school, and my family, and went anyway. Sure, it was a gamble. Actually, it was a crazy leap of faith. And although some things worked out just right, many others didn’t.
I made the choice I did, not because after having known him for less than a month I was head over heels in love, or because I thought that throwing away everything about my former life was a good idea. But because when I met him I thought, ‘I hope this man is my best friend for the rest of my life.’
Sunday will be our 49th wedding anniversary, and he is still my best friend. Sometimes you just have to deal with everything not being perfect.
20 Likes
Don’t the apps have options for just hanging out? Which I know you can just lead it that way but just thinking maybe you could modify your goal to expanding how many people are in your circle that could know the type of lady you’re after. The chubby smart ladies have friends and sisters etc… go places and do things where your target lady might be. What’s Meetup? Isn’t that a thing? Clearly I’m out of the app loop even though my daughter shares a lot of her experiences with me. From what I can tell it IS a jungle out there!
The apps seem so much like a What Do You Want For Christmas list but sometimes you end up receiving something that you didn’t know you wanted until you got it.
6 Likes
@LaurieB All the people I’ve spoken to who have long, successful marriages, there is definitely a common theme of almost a reckless abandon and meeting in the most random way/time/place. I really do think the best relationships are like that and should be that way, not forced/contrived/pursued. I probably just need to let go of all this and focus on enjoying life.
@OnAMission You can definitely change the “goal” on the apps to making friends. That is an actual option. But I think many women don’t take it seriously since they just assume that it’s a guy’s way of saying he just wants to hook up rather than actually be friends. I’m more than happy focusing on just social circle, I talk to strangers every day.
6 Likes
Do you see that this idea is a delaying tactic that isn’t useful to you? There is no one else who “allows” you to play ‘what if’ in your head.
Walk it thru. Say you want to have a child by the time you are 37 (because, say, you want to have 2 kids, so the 2nd would be coming around age 40). How old is the woman you are doing this with when you are 37? Where is she, today? What is on her mind right now? Career? Partying? Looking for her life partner? Did she just buy a house that needs work, and thus isn’t “out there” at the moment? Is she committing to her work hard to get the next level promotion? Child at (your) 37 means she has to feel trust and comfort and a future in her relationship in just 2 short years from now in order to willingly and mindfully fall pregnant.
It seems to me, if this is your timeline, talk of “waiting” is misguided. It’s going to take you a few/several years to build a relationship with someone that will be stout enough for children, and what if you get it wrong on the first 2 tries? You can find yourself at 45, 50 having waited too long.
Play out the scenarios, and adjust your behavior accordingly. Spend your “looking” time in the places that woman is going to be now. Doing the things that woman is going to be doing now.
You said your friends don’t recommend their female friends to you. Do your friends consider you a good candidate? Ask yourself what they say outside your hearing. Maybe they don’t know you’re serious, and you rank as a “fun guy” in their eyes.
I would argue (strongly!) with your view of relationships that aren’t ‘reckless’. There’s nothing forced or contrived about having goals and/or an awareness of one’s needs, desires, and warning signs.
2 Likes
Based on your questions, I have two paths forward (which I think is what I’ve been dealing with from the beginning):
I would assume I would need to seek someone much younger than I. If we are assuming I’ll be around 37 when I’m ready to have kids and that said relationship with said person needed to have been cultivated over several years, that effectively eliminates all women in their 30s which is what I eluded to earlier.
The alternative is to forgo the idea of waiting and have kids sooner rather than later but that has issues of it’s own. And lets say I do that and toss out the idea of waiting. I’m not sure that changes much, I’d still need to find someone whom I can actually see myself doing that with which just takes me back to square one.
So I need to seek places where there are younger women (lets say mid/late 20s) who want a relationship and are okay with dating someone much older and go there. I feel like I have done this to at least some extent but there isn’t really any specific activity that specifically draws mid/late 20s women. I guess I can switch barns, try church groups, go to even more classes, etc.
The other option is stick with women in their 30s (much easier demographic to interact with on the apps).
My female barn friends all say if they can think of someone, they’ll let me know. I never said that they don’t recommend their friends to me. I have no clue if they actually have single female friends but I’ve made it very clear that the “fun guy” phase got old for me a while ago and that I’d much prefer to be in a relationship.
Unless they’re all faking it, everyone at the barn really likes me and speaks highly of me. They all let me ride their horses when only my trainer gets to ride them and they even trust me as their accountant as I now have several of them as clients and they continue to refer me to their friends/family. There is one woman who was telling me about a girl she speaks highly about and she wants to set me up with her but it’ll be a few months before she sees her and she doesn’t even know whether or not she’s single so it’s not a solid lead at the moment.
By reckless I didn’t mean just willy nilly. I meant that the stories I’ve heard have all painted a similar scenario of people meeting their spouses in the most random of circumstances when they least expected/wanted it. None of them were actually looking for a spouse and had other priorities. There is an element of pursuing this too much which ultimately backfires and I don’t want that to be this case. I don’t want to come across as dire/desperate and it’s easy to do that in this case.
1 Like
