Maybe you should make a poll to test the theory.
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Maybe but it doesn’t change anything. There is a balance somewhere and obsessing over finding a spouse doesn’t help. I’m okay with keeping in mind that I want to find someone and what it is I’m looking for as you eluded to but as a guy, I need to be aware of crossing the line where I’m headed towards being desperate which doesn’t help in any way.
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I had quite an impediment–I was married to someone else. But I was already taking steps to get out of that marriage when I met and fell in love with my husband 44 years ago. It took me five years to agree to get married, and another six to decide to have a child.
Funny story, can’t remember if I’ve told it here before: my first trip with the guy who became my current husband was not long after we met. We were in Las Vegas (we were meandering all around the western part of the country), and he said “hey, let’s get married.” I said sure (being pretty drunk at the time), and we headed to a wedding chapel. In the parking lot I said “wait, my divorce isn’t final for a few more months!” Embarrassing.
Our early times together were very impulsive, pretty much over the border into stupid. We both needed to grow up some. I’m so glad we finally did.
Rebecca
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Agreed. You’re probably not going to find a partner in life by desperately looking for one.
I do have to wonder about your app, and/or your actual profile though - if you’re truly not getting any responses. Something must be off there. You can’t be that terrible!
I don’t know those apps, but maybe they are really not geared for what you want. Maybe it is worth considering some other apps - I think some of them have free versions?
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HA! I predict you’ll find your perfect woman at Home Depot!
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@S1969 I agree with you, it’s frustrating because I know I’m not a terrible person. I’ve had dozens of people look at my profile, I’ve made all the changes and recommendations on both Hinge and Bumble (which are supposed to be the “relationship” apps).
I’ll be my biggest critic and say that I just don’t think I’m attractive enough for the apps in the modern dating world. As much as you all say you don’t want the 6’5" model CEO, those ARE the guys that are getting the most attention on the apps and that’s simply not me. In a world when women get thousands of likes on their dating profile, any guy who isn’t waaaay above average is just not going to get noticed.
Aside from changing my pictures to show I’m the life of the party (or take pictures of myself just in underwear 
)I think that is the reason why I’m not getting anything on my profile no matter how many changes I make. It is what it is I suppose.
@PamnReba I love hardware stores!
There are a plethora of woman at horse related events. Just curious to know if you have tried meeting anyone at those venues? I may have missed it if it was discussed at some point.
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I haven’t showed in a long time but I’m working on getting back to it. Occasionally a clinic will roll through at the barn I’m at but I haven’t met anyone through that avenue yet (last women I spoke to that I was interested in was already married).
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I’ve waffled about weighing in on this thread again, since as someone else said previously the two of us wouldn’t be matches even if I were single so ultimately I’m not the type of woman you’d want to appeal to, but I keep seeing it boosted so here goes…@centaursam, dating and finding a life partner can be really hard, apps or no apps. You come across as a driven, organized, hard-working, and outwardly successful person. The problem with dating is that you can be as driven and organized and hard-working as anyone could possibly be, and still stay single. You can do all the work, sign up for all the apps, take all the advice, join all the classes and community groups, tweak all your settings and criteria…and none of it matters in terms of finding a partner if the right person doesn’t come along. It’s so hard to give up that sense of control. I see you wrestling with it as you game out scenarios around the age when you’d want to have kids, and how that intersects with the ages of the women you might be dating. (NB. I very much doubt that crossing off women in their 30s to date 25-year-olds is the answer here.)
Since you’d previously asked for people who met their partners through the apps to share their experiences, I’ll chime in. I treated Tinder as a way to meet people I wouldn’t have encountered in my daily life or met through my existing social circle. I can’t remember how many people I exchanged messages with, but I went on six dates. One was horrible; three were pleasant enough people to have a drink with, but the spark wasn’t there; and two I enjoyed enough to want to see a second time. The first of those guys ghosted me, the second I married. Trumpets did not sound the first time I saw him, but I enjoyed having a glass of wine with him, I thought he was attractive, and I was left wanting to see him again. And we went from there–a few more dates, swapping silly texts and memes, staying overnight for the first time, etc. That’s how we got to know each other. All the app did was to make the initial connection. Caveat, this was pre-covid and I do hear from my friends who are still single that things are different now…but also a friend just went looking at rings with her boyfriend who she met on Hinge year before last, so there’s anecdata on both sides of the equation. With that said, if you want to be done with the apps for a while or forever, get 'em gone.
Outside the apps, given the clear gender imbalances in horseback riding, there are options that it would behoove you to explore that it sounds like you haven’t. I completely understand that switching barns isn’t the answer, but what about volunteering? Not board positions–be a score runner at an event, help with the in-gate, lend a hand with the jump crew. Obviously you could also show yourself, but if you don’t want to show or aren’t ready yet, go along with your barn to lend a hand. If your barn doesn’t show, go on your own to watch and just be friendly to people. Not sure if or how much fox hunting exists in Southern California, but hunting is super social. You could sign up for clinics outside of your barn. Etc.
Best of luck and I hope you find the relationship that you’re looking for.
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Commenting on weight is always unnecessary. I don’t want to date a guy who’s half my size or twice my size, either. I just think the photos would make it easy to accept/decline without ever saying anything like ‘no fatties’ or ‘no moon faced basement dwellers with cheeto fingers’
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@chocolate_chip_in Thank you for chiming in! I haven’t crossed off women in their 30s, it’s just that my experience with them so far hasn’t been pleasant in the sense that they’re, understandably, moving at a much faster pace than I like. I have a small sample size I’m going off of though so I’ll keep giving them a chance if I do meet them.
I do know the other half of the equation is the other person and no matter what I do on my end, the other half still has to be present. But, short of things like matchmaking, speed dating, switching barns (and going to horse shoes), I feel like I’ve done a substantial amount to put myself out there and meet all sorts of women. I’m just just bumming it on the couch, swiping left and right, and hoping that she’ll come to me.
People are meeting off the apps but again, I truly don’t know how they are doing it. It sounds like you actually got matches with people, that helps. But what if you’re not getting any matches? Hard to procure dates if no one is actually liking your profile.
Earlier in the year I got a handful but they turned out badly and since then, I’ve received no likes to my profile and it’s been months. I’ve made all the changes that people have recommended, I’ve gone through dozens of pictures, etc. and I’ve still received NOTHING so you can understand my frustration. It’s one thing if I actually was getting matches, I wouldn’t be here if I was. But to get nothing is a miserable experience to deal with. And this is coming from a guy who was getting plenty of dates off apps 10 years ago when they first came out.
I’ll look into spending more time at shows and clinics and volunteering. Thank you for the suggestions!
@Djones Have never said that to any person in my entire life so I’m not sure where you got that from.
Don’t take me too literally. I am saying that you should leave any weight comments out of anything- it’s not flattering to you to document anywhere “I don’t want to date women who weigh more than me.” You know that, you don’t need to document that. That’s all I’m saying. It doesn’t get you even a pinkie-toe closer to your goal, much less a step closer.
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I’m sorry but
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@centaursam Apologies if I missed this detail, but how large is your search range? I know traffic in LA is a bear, and finding someone within a certain radius can be convenient, but if you haven’t already tried that, maybe that would help?
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No worries, I’ve tried that already. I put the search range up to 50 miles outside of my location and nothing really changed. If I go beyond that, I’m literally looking a few hours drive. Maybe it’s worth it just to give it a try, who knows.
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I think it’s your location. Maybe that’s why I don’t understand it either, here you’d get a lot of attention from outdoorsy active women that can also fly planes and ride horses, I think. Have you considered moving? lol ugh Kind of funny when I had my daughter look at your profile that you shared here and then she had me look at hers and you guys probably would have matched, lots of the same interests, just age gap. She just matched with a guy whose main picture was him in a river dropping a huge fish he almost caught; the picture is hilarious and their senses of humor are similar based off that start.
I think you’re plenty tall enough and attractive enough, at this point I think it’s your location. take a vaca to Seattle or the NW, change your location and see what happens.
You’re plenty good looking enough and you’re plenty tall enough; I don’t think that’s it other than you’re in LA.
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I suspect location is a big factor here too.
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I thought I had my list of what I hoped to find in a partner. I was 29 and fairly fit, riding horses, well educated, and getting a good handle on my career after having a very large time partying in my mid 20s. Because of the horses and where I live (central Alabama) I thought I was out of luck. He was either going to be some wanna be cowboy-type living on his granny’s property in a mobile home out back, needing a woman in town with health insurance, or the rare straight guy riding show jumpers and well out of my socio-economic group … and I was not cut out for either.
So I went to a former boyfriend’s surprise birthday party and met this man. The ex BF had been canoeing with him on several group trips, and he was freshly divorced (like 6 weeks LOL)…in fact it is possible that ex & I went canoeing with the man and his former wife. Anyway he was a grown-ass, whole-ass, actual real man. Business owner, laid back, funny, terribly handsome. He had bought land and wanted a horse, maybe, but knew nothing about them. We chatted off and on all evening. Exchanged numbers, and I told him I knew of the horse he needed as the owners were aging out of horses. He left before I did, I walked out to see his 71 Bronco. At some point I said ‘you can kiss me now.’ and he did.
@OnAMission was riding shotgun online, LOL- she’d known me through horse forums for what, maybe 4 years by then? If that long?
We got married about 18 months later? That was almost 25 years ago.
I NEVER would have picked a guy on paper who was 14 years my senior, a bit dyslexic/doesn’t spell very well, was not ‘white collar’ (Master electrician), terrible on computers, with 2 ex-wives in his history. But I did lay eyes upon him and say to myself, Oh, there you are.
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You don’t have to “show” you just have to show up. My DH used to be an EMT at the shows around here and he had women lined up trying to meet him. I know, I used to observe from the sidelines and he was quite popular! Just go, bring a lawn chair and a smile and see what happens.
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And wear scrubs!
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