Dudes who "also ride" in on line dating

[S1969]

@centaursam

I think the apps just make it hard not to view someone as a product.

Well, it depends on the app. Which one is this?
I used Match. I honestly don’t remember but I feel like I could have written as much as I wanted to. I know my SO had written a whole page. And I also think you could upload a lot of photos…I think I used 5-6 but feel like it might have been more if I had wanted to use more.

Yes, dating apps are always likely to have some “shallowness” or commercial feel to them - there is no other way. But, different apps attract different people.

Not saying you should say you drink or use THC, but you might be surprised how much those influence people. I was shocked about the THC toggle on Match – you score yourself (e.g. do you drink, do you use?) but also whether you are ok with the other person drinking or using. I was surprised that when I included THC (I think it was called 420 Friendly or something) it made a HUGE difference when sorting profiles. Like a search could come back with either 25 matches or 100.

I’m not willing to date a smoker, but I was willing to open up the search to include people who might use THC. I figured I could sort them out later.

[centaursam]

Honestly, all of them. Hinge and Bumble are seen as more “relationship” oriented whilst Tinder is the one where people look for something more “casual” but they’re all the same.

From what I understand, Match bought all of the apps and as the parent company, it runs the same algorithm across all of them. The online platforms are the ones where you can write a lot more and have a lot more pages but from the many people I’ve spoken to, the dynamics are the same: there are a lot of scam accounts, waaaay more men than women (something like a 10:1 ratio), etc.

Ten years ago all of these were amazing. I know people who met off Tinder, OKCupid, Match, eHarmony back then and have been married for many years. But things aren’t the same as they were a decade ago. Dating, society, culture, people are all different and then you throw in the dynamics of different cities and it’s a mess.

[LiveTheDream]

Dating can be such a crapshoot. Blind dates, meeting through a mutual activity, online dating, etc, not much difference among them IMO. I know many who are taking time off from the dating scene and others who are so thankful they’re already hitched after hearing some of the more recent horror stories .

Based on the thread, unicorns do exist . Kudos for hanging in there, hope you find yours.

[Jenerationx]

See, reading that entire post, I would find you intriguing and at least try to have a conversation if I were looking.

[centaursam]

@LiveTheDream I know several people who have completely checked out and resigned themselves to being alone for the rest of their lives. It’s rough out there but I could never get to that point. My married friends do all tell me they’re thankful to have to not go through all this though.

@Jenerationx I guess I just don’t come across as intriguing on dating apps It’s hard to establish on dating apps what we’ve established here across multiple posts. I don’t think human interaction was ever meant to be this consumerist.

[RMJacobs]

It’s funny, I lived in LA for 22 years (11 years each time) and didn’t do much traditional dating. In high school, people tended to just hang out in groups, even when two were in a relationship. No one had money to go on a date. We were lucky to scrape up a couple of bucks to go to House of Pancakes occasionally.

I met my first husband on a blind date at a pizza place in the San Fernando Valley when I was in college. I had no time to date in college due to working full time, and a friend was determined to fix me up. I was supposed to be meeting someone else altogether, and so was the guy I met. The people we were each supposed to meet ended up marrying each other (and didn’t last, either). I moved into his house shortly after meeting him and got married a year later, two weeks after my 20th birthday. His best buddy gave us a horse, which was cool because we actually had acreage, but problematic because we were flat broke. When I met him, I’d been couch surfing for a couple of years, so moving into his converted one car garage was quite an upgrade.

After moving to and getting divorced in Flagstaff, and living in New Jersey for several years with a boyfriend, again with no traditional dating, I moved back to LA when breaking up with that boyfriend. But that guy didn’t give up, showed up and moved in with me, and we got married. Still married to that one. Our relationship smoothed out a lot once we got back together.

So I never really experienced the LA dating scene, and I’m sure it was all very different in the years I was there. The first time was 1967-1979 (I moved there with my parents at the age of ten) and the second was 1983-1994. I don’t think I missed much, though.

Rebecca

[Jenerationx]

@centaursam

@Jenerationx I guess I just don’t come across as intriguing on dating apps It’s hard to establish on dating apps what we’ve established here across multiple posts. I don’t think human interaction was ever meant to be this consumerist.

It definitely was not. When I was on the dating apps, I would filter responses, and unless there was a complete deal breaker on the profile, at least have a conversation. The issue with that is that it’s hard to tell who someone is over an app. I ended up meeting my SO over Discord voice chat while playing a video game. So shared hobby seemed to be the key. Other than that we both have our own interests, which is great, because too much together time isn’t healthy either. I’d say lean into the dancing hobby and interest in bees and try to find some social activities around those.

[centaursam]

That’s part of the reason why I like to move off the apps as fast as possible and meet in person (public place, of course). You never really know who you’re dealing with until you meet face to face. Sadly, I think many women have had such lousy experiences with men, that they’re very reluctant to meet until enough rapport has been established which is understandable, but that also presents an issue because you can be investing a lot of time speaking with someone over the course of several days/weeks and then they just vanish mid conversation. It’s a huge time sink for someone you never even met.

I’m pursuing dancing with a passion so hopefully that leads to something and my first bee class is this weekend!

[Caligirl83]

@centaursam

That’s part of the reason why I like to move off the apps as fast as possible and meet in person (public place, of course). You never really know who you’re dealing with until you meet face to face. Sadly, I think many women have had such lousy experiences with men, that they’re very reluctant to meet until enough rapport has been established which is understandable, but that also presents an issue because you can be investing a lot of time speaking with someone over the course of several days/weeks and then they just vanish mid conversation. It’s a huge time sink for someone you never even met.

This is 100% true, and I can see this clearly when I put myself in your/the guy’s shoes.

However, there is a sad but true safety aspect to being too quick to meet people in person who you’ve only met online, which is way more of an issue for females. There are predators on dating apps. It’s something no guy friend of mine ever even considered but every female friend of mine has.

[centaursam]

Yea it’s sad and I get why women have to be cautious. A friend of mine recently got stabbed nearly to death by a guy she had been dating so it’s certainly a dangerous and crazy world and we’re all worse off because of it unfortunately.

But, as they say in Jurassic Park, “Life finds a way”

[Jenerationx]

Yeah, it’s scary out there. I had a string of incredibly uncomfortable first dates that made me leave the dating apps years ago. Like a Dom Wannabe that asked me on a first date if I’d like being tied down and branded because he would want everyone to know I belonged to him. We had 2 online conversations, and that was 15 minutes into the first date. Thank God I drove myself and met him there.

@centaursam

Yea it’s sad and I get why women have to be cautious. A friend of mine recently got stabbed nearly to death by a guy she had been dating so it’s certainly a dangerous and crazy world and we’re all worse off because of it unfortunately.

That’s terrifying! I hope she recovers.

[S1969]

@centaursam

Sadly, I think many women have had such lousy experiences with men, that they’re very reluctant to meet until enough rapport has been established which is understandable, but that also presents an issue because you can be investing a lot of time speaking with someone over the course of several days/weeks and then they just vanish mid conversation. It’s a huge time sink for someone you never even met.

I started online dating during the pandemic so Zoom was just taking off. That was the perfect way to actually move from texting but not yet meeting. And easier to get out of if it’s not going well compared to an actual date.

I didn’t have any really bad experiences but totally agree about not wanting to waste time. One guy wanted to move from the app to a meet up IRL immediately, but lived about 40 minutes from me. When I gently pushed back on this he said “if I was afraid to meet someone in a bar, I would have a really hard time finding a match.” LOL. I told him it wasn’t that I was afraid, but didn’t want to waste my time with assholes. “Bye.” (I think I said it a little nicer, but the message was clear.)

He blocked me, then responded again. But because he blocked me, I never got to see what he wrote. Haha. That was the worst thing I experienced other than guys I would never date sending me stupid messages. (e.g. I had a photo of me on my bike (in a race), and guys would say things like “I have an old bike in my garage somewhere, want to go for a ride?”) Nope.

[FjordBCRF]

@centaursam

That’s part of the reason why I like to move off the apps as fast as possible and meet in person (public place, of course). You never really know who you’re dealing with until you meet face to face.

Both DH and I like this approach. It’s way too easy to get sucked into the 24/7 text zone and spend weeks there…and a lot of people I think that’s there comfort zone maybe? Anyways, I get a much better sense in person via text and didn’t have weeks of time to invest in someone without seeing how they are in person.

@Caligirl83

However, there is a sad but true safety aspect to being too quick to meet people in person who you’ve only met online, which is way more of an issue for females.

Meeting ANYONE online carries risk whether you talk to them for an hour or a month. Unfortunately a lot of predators have a lot of patience too if they smell a victim.

[Sparrowette]

@Jenerationx

Yeah, it’s scary out there. I had a string of incredibly uncomfortable first dates that made me leave the dating apps years ago. Like a Dom Wannabe that asked me on a first date if I’d like being tied down and branded because he would want everyone to know I belonged to him. We had 2 online conversations, and that was 15 minutes into the first date. Thank God I drove myself and met him there.

@centaursam

Yea it’s sad and I get why women have to be cautious. A friend of mine recently got stabbed nearly to death by a guy she had been dating so it’s certainly a dangerous and crazy world and we’re all worse off because of it unfortunately.

That’s terrifying! I hope she recovers.

Back when I was dating (a few centuries ago), what I would do was tell my girlfriend everything I knew about him, and when we were going to go out. When he arrived, I called my GF and told her the make, model, color and license plate number of the car.

Some guys were really put off by this, and I knew by that that they probably would not work out, just for that reason. But the ones who understood the issue were true prospects, and if any of them had “plans to harm”, they were put on notice.

[FjordBCRF]

@Sparrowette

Some guys were really put off by this, and I knew by that that they probably would not work out, just for that reason. But the ones who understood the issue were true prospects, and if any of them had “plans to harm”, they were put on notice.

Having met my now DH in Jan of 2021, our indoor options were limited so we met at one of our local metro parks to hike. I let friends know times/locations just in case. I told him outright I would have friends checking in via text, that I had a can of bear spray in my bag…which I did, and that I was trained in Muay Thai which I was I think with the bear spray I may have said it wasn’t specifically for him, but that I always carry it just in case.

[Spudsmyguy]

I would just like to meet a guy that I can just be friends with, i.e. a date for parties, go to dinner, someone to do things with. I’m not really looking for a romantic relationship, but as Billy Crystal said “Men and women can never be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way.” How do people of a certain age meet others of the opposite sex? Every man that I was remotely interested in is either married or in a relationship.

My sister met her husband of going on 18 years on eHarmony or Match, one of those. They were made for each other, I kid you not.

[2bayboys]

@Spudsmyguy

I would just like to meet a guy that I can just be friends with, i.e. a date for parties, go to dinner, someone to do things with. I’m not really looking for a romantic relationship, but as Billy Crystal said “Men and women can never be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way.” How do people of a certain age meet others of the opposite sex? Every man that I was remotely interested in is either married or in a relationship.

My sister met her husband of going on 18 years on eHarmony or Match, one of those. They were made for each other, I kid you not.

Just curious, why does that other person have to be of the opposite sex? If the point is companionship, someone to go to parties with or to dinner, find a girlfriend and go have fun!

[Spudsmyguy]

It doesn’t have to be the opposite sex, I just find I get along better with most men than with women.

[centaursam]

I guess the same way you meet anyone (activities, through other friends, work, etc). But it’s also hard because you have to establish friendship from the get-go unless you’re both not at all attracted to each other.

I’m like you, all the women I’m interested in are married and/or in relationships.

Honestly, I just need to stop looking and focus on everything else in my life. You can’t really force relationships like this and the best ones tend to happen randomly and spontaneously.

[Ajierene]

As a point of reference, a friend of mine got a job in LA right after college and lived there for about 5 years. He didn’t date the entire time because he found the women shallow and uninteresting. He did meet his current wife through eHarmony after he moved to Michigan.

On the talking online being a waste of time, maybe reconsider your priorities. I was thinking about it and yours, along with a lot of other profiles on dating sites seem really geared towards achieving the goal immediately. So, look, meet, match, marry, in like a week.

Maybe adjust your priorities. The screenshot that someone else posted seemed more down to earth - this is who I am, this is what I am interested in. Both of yours seem more used car dealer-esque.

Going back to chatting online - I find it less of a waste of time. I can check a message once a day, reply in like 5 min and move on with my day. meeting someone requires driving, meeting, planning an hour plus on the dinner. Usually people want to meet in the evening and that’s when I ride so then you are competing with a passion, you better be DAMN interesting!

I do know that both my friend that met their wives through eHarmony said two things - 1, eHarmony (at the time, like 10-15 years ago) was much more geared towards finding a match, not just meeting - so more criteria set in to know who you are. 2-you have to be willing to go on a lot of first dates. I think for them and their busy lives, it was easier than going to bars every weekend but not much different than going to bars/going out to meet.