Encouraging kids to ride - a how to request

In case it is of any use to you OP … I will share two riding students, both about 10 yo as I know them, who very much reflect some of the personality and behavior you are describing for your daughter. Based on paralyzing shyness each girl has great difficulty coping with less familiar situations, and especially with speaking up – whatever the reasons behind it, which I don’t know.

One girl that I taught for 18 months was definitely ‘on the spectrum’ and was far more interested in the barn cat than she was in the horses, or riding. She related to all animals, but not particularly to horses. I had several in-depth conversations with her parents over the months, as we agreed on parameters and direction.

Her parents told me that riding lessons were their idea, in an attempt to expand and grow her self-imposed horizons. She told me the same, that they were making her take lessons. I thought about backing out of instructing her at that point, if she were not a willing student. But in the end I decided that her parents knew best what was needed to help this child (10 yo at the time) reach an adulthood that she could cope with on her own. They are raising her. I was seeing her once a week for an hour. I decided to go with their judgment, not mine.

With the agreement of the parents, I let the girl guide much of the boundaries and limits of what she was willing to do – for months, walk on the longe line on the tamest horse. She very gradually became confident enough to ride at the walk on her own, steering around trees and obstacles. She never trotted - we tried, and she went into PTSD meltdown panic. I said I wasn’t pushing her on that, we’ll do what she agrees to do. She gets to set some boundaries. That also helped her confidence to try other things. One thing she did expand on over time was riding other quiet horses. At a quiet walk, of course.

During the early months she said almost nothing during her lesson time. One day she just started talking. After that, with light encouragement, I heard all about her schnauzer, her little brother (a pest of course), and a little about the family trips to Canada where they have family. She had a clever sense of humor, too.

For me, the triumph graduation was a couple of lessons where I rode a horse alongside her and her horse on a very tame trail ride around one grassy paddock, with trees to navigate. She was functioning on her own and I was saying little about how-tos. Her parents finally felt that she was at a finishing point for riding horses. She’s moved on to other activities that she has a maturing interest in.

This girl who was 10 when we started and 11 when we finished, was diagnosed autistic, don’t know at what level. When she started was barely able to function among people outside of her family. She was gaining interpersonal skill over time. I doubt she will ever be outgoing.

For whatever it is worth, she had genius level intelligence. She once read off a complex legal liability paragraph and explained what it meant, with no prodding – guessing many adults would not have understood it. Age 11 at the time. Her dad told me she was in advanced classes, got A’s on everything, quickly and perfectly completed all of her homework and exams with no problem. I think that someday, as an adult if she stays on a good developmental path, she’ll be able to live and function on her own fairly well. And be employable at a generous level.

The other child is one I’ve taught a few times but is not my regular student. She’s 10 years old and behaves very much as you describe your daughter behaving, OP. She’s only been in the program for a few weeks. The girl has a lovely sweet smile, but is almost unable to speak to people she doesn’t know well. She is in a one-on-one focused private lesson program. It is very much what she needs with an instructor who is both sensitive and pragmatic. The girls gets support with everything she needs, as she needs it. But her instructor also stands back and lets her do the things she has learned to master. Her instructor is attentive to the girl’s situation with the tack and the horse, with a matter-of-fact attitude that seems to give the girl confidence.

On the one hand, I don’t think the girl really wants to ride horses. Shows no enthusiasm that anyone on the program side can detect. This is her mom’s insistence. Mom restrains her own domineering affect with difficulty.

On the other hand, the girl does best when she is on the horse! :smile: She could be quite a good rider – other than she isn’t that keen. It’s hard to get her to pick up the reins and steer! Constant encouragement to sit up in the saddle and actively ride. But once she does do it, she does it well and get good results. She is quickly mastering the trot – when she actually makes the effort.

It is harder to encourage a rider to progress when they are truly fearful on a horse. Progress often means faster speeds, even at the walk. And that increased motion and speed is what triggers some people. Even if they are drawn to the idea of riding – but not so much the reality. Showing them how their skills will maintain control, helps. But in the end, they don’t really want to be there.

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Ah that’s a bummer that boring lady only does private lessons!

From watching friends’ kids, that either got into horses, or didn’t, the social aspect was a really big driver at this age. For the most part, the kids that rode with friends and had a solid social network (of peers or at least other KIDS even if a little older/younger) at the barn were most likely to be into the horse thing.

But the kids without that social network never really stuck with it, even with really great opportunities.

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Aw, thank you! I pick a lot of attributes that apply to my daughter out of your post.

This has really been so helpful. I had a vague idea of wanting to know how to encourage a kid to ride but this thread has given me so much more.

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Yes, I really am going to pursue this. See if her one horse friend or another friend wants to try daycamp. Focus more on the social and let the horse aspect just be the excuse, not the reason.

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That sounds like a great idea! I hope it comes together!

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Find other parents in the same boat … or well, in a sailing ship that’s at least somewhat similar to the one you are on. :wink:

Especially those whose kids are now well into their teenage years and can share with you what they now wish they’d done. Especially those with kids who do sports, especially if they ride! :slight_smile:

I don’t know if this pertains to your daughter …

Just IMO … there are a greater percentage of people ‘on the spectrum’, per one phrase, in dressage/jumping/eventing than there are in the general population. Like, much, much greater! :grin: No statistics to support that, just general observation. They can be very good riders, good at horse husbandry, and some succeed at the highest sport levels.

I think that as long as someone orients their horse experience to the horse over and above human expectations, they find that horses have a deeply ingrained set of instinctive pattern behaviors that can be understood logically. Even if horses can be unfortunately somewhat explosive in their expressions of those instinctive behaviors.

This horse tendency seems to favor people who prefer a mindset that is consistent and understandable, even if it is also broad. Horses are more that way than people who don’t study them normally perceive. Horses don’t come across to us as pattern behavior animals, but they profoundly are.

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Best wishes @Pehsness! I’m looking out the window of my barn at the horse that carried my daughter around for four years. The one that sparked her interest in horses and won her many ribbons. I eventually sold him when she got into high school, to a big show barn about two hours away but they called me once he hit Early 20s and needed to be retired. So I brought him home to my house I just saw my daughter on Friday At a surprise birthday party for me She asked me… Do you think I could come and ride your horse? My show hunter Because her life has slowed down and she is now an adult and about to enter her own career And has the time and maturity to may be embrace riding again. We all have our different timelines. But the love for riding sticked. And she was GOOD!

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They can do that without all of the standard traditional behaviors and ways of doing things.

Everyone does not have to live the same kind of life. Or be the same kind of adult.

Not every kid is manipulating adults. Some are genuinely lacking social basics because their brains are not wired that way. Some pathways that are common to the majority of humanity aren’t biologically present for them.

That’s when behavioral training does not work. Rather, a different set of coping behaviors can be learned that enable them to navigate society. As children, and as adults.

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Have you asked sweet lesson lady if there is any chance of doing a semi-private at least?

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And honestly, while I hate to blame covid for everything, there is a group of kids that were really impacted.

Rural kids, no school, no siblings, no activities or outings. I have two kids but their age gap is just big enough that they were in separate worlds at that time.

I do attribute some of her social “short comings” to that. By the time the world reopened (and I could be wrong but I think Ontario had longer/more restrictions) she had missed half of her last year at day care and almost the entirety of her JK/SK school years. Really formative years for developing skills in social norms and interactions.

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I didn’t back then because it was quickly clear it wouldn’t last (my oldest was taking lessons at the time) but I definitely will.

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OP, this is just a thought for a 9 yo who seems not consistently interested in riding, who lacks confidence and is too shy to speak up to adults she doesn’t know well … with the caveat that this is from someone who does not know your daughter as you do.

I think I would separate ‘riding’ and ‘social’. Putting both into one package may be too overwhelming. For some children, social is a very beneficial part of their horse experience. For others, it is too much to cope and manage a social scope, along with all of the sensory and intellectual inputs of a horse environment.

Maybe ‘riding’ is for skills development to increase confidence that skills are something she can develop (not all kids know that). And for learning to interact with a horse, to know that she can get her way when the horse isn’t cooperating. Lesson horses being notoriously inclined to refuse commands that aren’t followed through. But rewarding riders who make the effort to apply their skills.

‘Social’ might be added to riding later, when she has confidence in her ability to do the basics. Until then, ‘social’ might be far more easily navigated in a less complex environment.

As someone who tends to see the logic path myself, the concept of ‘stacking’ has a great influence on the effectiveness of a learning environment. Social is a learned skill, more for some people than others. ‘Stacking’ is how many inputs are demanding the subject’s attention (subject could be person, horse, etc.). The more things in the stack, the more complex, difficult and frustrating is the environment, for that individual.

Some people and animals are naturally more comfortable in a busier environment. Some are quickly overwhelmed. Figuring out where someone is on that continuum can help guide how to approach learning. And how to gradually increase the ability to cope with complexity, only after lower degrees are mastered.

OP you are describing your daughter as having difficulty knowing how to cope with complexity – such as needing help to groom and tack up a horse. That gets my attention, because one of the fastest ways to help get a subject (human or animal) over a learning bump is to simplify the problem, reduce the factors, and take smaller steps. :slight_smile:

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You are doing fine. With the additional details, consider staying around but busy doing something else or you groom one side while she does the other.

Kids are hard. My youngest is on the spectrum and tough love just shuts him down completely. It’s baby steps of building confidence and rinse repeat sometimes multiple times a day so they learn the step 1, then step 2, etc.

Kids are whinny with parents as it’s their safe space. Usually it’s cause they are over stimulated or tired.

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So.

I’m autistic and I don’t mean this to seem like a criticism of you but the whole “dislike labeling kids” thing sticks in my craw a bit so I want to speak to some of your post as an autistic adult who was diagnosed as a child.

  1. These days in autistic circles usually the preferred terminology is support needs/supports not so much “mild” to “debilitating” which can be perceived by autistic people as ableist even if that’s not the intent behind the description.

  2. An autism diagnosis isn’t “labeling” a kid in an innately negative sense and can be helpful in getting a child the support they need in school. I was diagnosed as a child circa 1999-2000. It wasn’t “labeling” me in a way where I was coddled or had excuses made for me or ever made to feel like I was less than. It did get me support that I needed and I’m generally what those in the autistic community (which - I don’t tend to actively participate in as much as lurk in by virtue of following other autistic people online and reading up on things) would consider “low support needs.” I really don’t get this aversion to “labels” because, if you boil it down, we all have a label, just some of us are “neurotypical” and some of us are “neurodivergent” or “disabled.” People are different and that’s okay!

I will note a diagnosis isn’t accessible to everyone for myriad reasons and most of the autism community is accepting of self-diagnosed people though most of the self-diagnosed people who I see who are more open about being self-DX’d tend to be people who didn’t realize until they were adults that they might be autistic.

EDIT: I also want to emphasize every autistic person is different - if you’ve met one autistic person then you’ve met one autistic person. There might be common traits but those traits aren’t present in every autistic person.

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Having read this thread - frankly it sounds like your daughter is all over the map re. whether she wants to ride or not, OP.

I don’t have any advice, I’m not a parent, just someone who rode as a kid but I didn’t start until I was 10 and very much wanted to. I agree with most of those saying just find a situation where she learns solid basics.

OP, I have a very similar daughter who is now 13 years old. She rode on and off as youngster but didn’t want to get into a program until probably 9ish? She has always been a very sensitive and in some ways, cautious child.

She rode with a few instructors. Got bucked off at one place (once she came off then another time stayed on) and the instructor was very much tough love with her which didn’t work at all. She was ready to quit if she stayed with that instructor.

So I took her to a few barns to meet instructors and watch lessons and I let her pick. Her pick wasn’t my pick. But she’s been with the same instructor for a few years now and just absolutely blossomed.

Also my daughter would have been weirded out if I dropped her off too. So I understand that! People can have opinions but my daughter thrives in school, pushes herself to try things (like sports, clubs) but everything has always had to happen on her timeline. She’s not one that tough love and pushing works for. Even at 13…

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Kind of on a related note re. parents staying around the barn but busy - I think @luvmyhackney makes a good point.

My mom did stick around a fair bit when I was riding, more so the first couple years, though she’s not horsey herself nor was she some helicopter mom type parent, hovering and trying to constantly do things for me.

When I got older, I’d sometimes take her to the barn to video my rides when I got to a point where I was doing that (that was more in my late teens).

@OverandOnward’s point also seems pretty solid - thinking back, the barn wasn’t always a “social” place for me either. I wanted to be around the horses and frankly there weren’t always a ton of other lesson kids at the barn I ended up at (not a great barn in a loooot of ways but the first few years I was there was before they kind of went off the rails into toxicity).

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My mom still talks about a teacher who told her when I was probably 7 that I’d be a juvenile delinquent by the time I was 13 if no one got a handle on my behavior. Teacher had me in the math class I was in for kids who were below grade-level and hadn’t (yet) taught me/was making assumptions based on observing me before I started in her class.

She ended up apologizing to my mom at some point later on, admitting she didn’t see until I was in her class just how various things affected me (I’m probably not explaining this as eloquently as I could, trying to write fast to get the thought out and move on with my day :laughing:).

And by the time I was 13, I was a well-behaved (most of the time) young teenager. Oh, and I was at grade-level in math by the end of elementary school.

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I haven’t read through all of the responses yet, so apologies if this is repeating another suggestion.

An old high school friend of mine contacted me a couple years ago, as her niece was interested in riding lessons but they thought also might need a little help similar to your daughter. The niece was a bit timid and really disliked making mistakes, just not very confident overall. We set her up with private lessons on a perfect packer, with a gentle coach who definitely doesn’t yell (she’s a freelancer who teaches a few kids at the barn I board at so I see her teach frequently). She also has the kids arrive early and stay after to groom, tack up, etc under full supervision so she can teach them how, and let them take over tasks as they become more proficient (but while she’s standing right there in case they need help).

The goal was to allow this girl to gain confidence with the general routine, feel comfortable walk/trotting on a horse, and then transition her over to group lessons at a barn with other kids where she would feel less overwhelmed because she had a base of knowledge already.

Maybe this could work for your daughter too.

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OP, I also want to add, I never had to encourage my (very sensitive and cautious) daughter to ride. She rode here and there always (since 2 years old) but I never pushed her into it. She didn’t start in a real program until she straight up asked me about it herself. Before that I didn’t want to because I had seen so many other kids just pushed into it by their horsey parents and absolutely hated it! I believe there is a big gap between animal lover and equestrian. Especially for petite little girl, horses are HARD. Like physically, so much work. And mentally, since there is so much knowledge to learn and a big safety aspect that you don’t get with other animals.

Anyways, eventually my daughter said she wanted to take more regular lessons of her own. She also did a camp once but she would only do a camp if a friend went with her. We found a friend that wasn’t horsey but who wanted to be around animals.

The lessons turned into her asking to lease a horse for more horsey time. She has leased a horse for over 2 years now. We also tried 4H too but she wasn’t into that. In fact, riding has never been a social thing for her. We tried group lessons, we tried 4H. Maybe we just didn’t find the right social setting for her but it just hasn’t ever been that for her. Now she has other activities in school/after school where she’s more social ( things that I couldn’t imagine her doing when she was 9 but are self-driven at 13.)

Good luck! You sound like a wonderful mom. Parenting is hard lol! It’s much easier to type on a forum than parent someone, that’s for sure!

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