Parenting is a very humbling experience. “My child will never…”, “I will never let my child…”, and “That child just needs a…” are sentences that quickly disappear once you are a parent yourself. (ask me how I know… 
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You are doing great by asking, exploring, and listening to your child’s unique needs.
As a child, I was in a lesson program for many years. I fell down the horsey rabbit hole and never left. Even though I haven’t been continuously involved with horses during my busy adult life.
My sister was in the same lesson program for six months. It was a good experience for her. But there is only so much time in a day and a week, and she was more interested in doing other things.
As an adult, my sister told me those six months of successful lessons were one of the most important childhood experiences of her life. That “Once I learned that I could ride a horse, there wasn’t much left in life to be afraid of.”
I thought that was profound. Sometimes that is the primary take away and life lesson for even a short career in horseback riding. “I can learn to do hard things.”
That is quite profound!
It seems like I knew horses was my thing even before I barely knew what a horse even was. I begged for lessons very early on and finally wore my parents down around whatever first grade age is. I think my dad had been reluctant because its more dangerous than most other activities but I pretty much hated everything my mom put me in. Horses was the only thing I never quit.
Looking back now, and having a much bigger picture and understanding of myself, being on the spectrum AND having been born with a connective tissue disease…I don’t think I would have been able to be as successful has I have been in life generally speaking. It made me feel capable, strong, confident. I couldn’t run 6 laps around the gym for gym class like everyone else could, but I could take care of and ride any horse in the barn. It also gave me a voice and I needed that push as an adult. When I got Charlie in 2020, I HAD to have tough conversations with people when things weren’t going great or tensions were high. This has certainly helped me in my professional life.
Finding a THING was so important for me, and I am thankful my parents were supportive and financially able to pick up the tab when I was younger. They (well moreso my dad) went well above and beyond for me making it happen, especially when we moved and had my horse at our neighbors on self care. To this day, it’s the only thing that helps me decompress/regulate and offers me a safe space from everything else in the world.
This isn’t to say horses will do that for everyone, but more to emphasize that if you even half suspect your child is on the spectrum; helping them find their thing…or listening to them when they already may know what their thing is, may be one of the best things you can do.
Without my childhood background in horses, learning that not only could I ride an open jumper round, I could dominate our little open jumper circuit and won every class for a couple of high school years, against adults (multiple jump-off rounds per class was common) …
I would never have thought I could do something like accept a job transfer from Dallas to midtown Manhattan NYC for a Fortune 500 company, in an international business position. The minute the job was proposed, I knew “I can do this”. I had never even visited NYC. Without horses, without that amazing jumper, at the time I would not have thought that was possible.
You misunderstood my post. My point was I am not qualified to label her anything. But it is on my radar that it might be something to consider.
I also want to clarify… i don’t push her to ride. What happens is, I’ll be out riding, she sees me, comes roaring out and wants to ride too. Or we go outside for something, she sees the horse, and wants to ride - even if it’s not possible at that time.
But, try to organize that and build a schedule… it doesn’t stick. “Not right now”. “I’m playing with my friend online”. Etc.
So when I originally posted this I was looking for ways to encourage the riding, but not always only on her timeline (I’m only articulating that in my own mind now, so don’t come for me with “that’s not what you said!” please :D)
We actually talked about this last night. This thread made me think she needs more of a schedule. More regimen. She actually thought that sounded like a good idea and decided “horses” twice a week would be a good start. So we built a schedule and we’ll both work towards seeing if she wants to pursue this.
As always, thanks for all the thoughtful replies!
That sounds like a great way to start with her!
Very late to the thread and my 9 year old daughter and family situation are very different, so not sure if any of my ideas will help but wanted to throw them out in case they do. Parenting is hard, just like horses each one is different and each day is different, so even if something worked before it’s not guaranteed to work again. I grew up with horses at home, corrupted my now husband into horses when we started dating, and had my horses at home before my daughter was born. Horses are a family thing and part of the family. When we brought my daughter home from the hospital we stopped at the barn to introduce her to the horses, they were all fascinated by her, before we made it to the house. So she’s grown up with horses as part of the family and doesn’t know that not doing horses is an option. But we spend a lot of time on things other than riding and I think that makes a difference. A lot of the time the focus, especially with lessons, is on the riding part and not the grooming, interacting on the ground, or the bonding part. My daughter loves to ride, but she also loves to cuddle with her mare, groom her, practice braiding on her, and just hanging out. I don’t know how you incorporate the not riding part with lessons but it might be worth exploring. The other thing my daughter loves doing is sharing her horse with friends. Being able to have friends over to play with the pony, even if it’s just petting, feeding treats, and maybe brushing the pony before they go run around the barn is fun and builds confidence. I don’t know if your horse, OP, would tolerate being bushed, giggled over, or possibly even painted with the horse glitter paint, if they would it might be fun to see if your daughter has a friend she’d like to invite to the barn to meet your horse and play some at the barn. That might be a way to get some horse social time without the riding peer pressure.
Hey, good luck and sorry for misunderstanding your earlier post!
The schedule definitely seems like a growing-up step that most 9 yo’s are ready to step into. Although it may not go smoothly at first, as this is a first for her. She may not have a reality in her mind of how it actually feels to live with one.
The other thought – from the way you describe it, it may not be about the horses and riding. It may be about you. It’s the association with you, the parent she most identifies with. Even if you aren’t riding in the moment, she wants to feel whatever it is you feel. But of course she’ll have her own experience, and that’s part of her developing her own identity.
When you suggest it and she defers to something else, that’s not a strong indication of her own interest. What happens with a truly horse crazy kid is that they will leap away from what they are doing and pounce on you.
When the kid is demanding a shelf full of model horses that she curates, names, develops life stories for; frequently exploring horses on the internet; asking to read horse books and stories … etc. & so on. Every birthday gift list includes something horsey. Constantly insisting on riding lessons, never having it out-of-mind, to the point of being a pest, even at inappropriate times … Then it is about the horses, just for the horses.
You are insightful! I think you’re on to something with the association…
A long-ago instructor said that parents asked him, “How do I know if my child’s interest in horses and riding is strong enough to commit to it, long-term? I don’t want to put too much emphasis on just this, only to have them quit.”
His answer: “If your child cannot live without horses, or if you cannot live with your child without horses, that is when it makes sense to commit. Then they won’t be easy to quit.”
My daughter was the need to ride child.I think she learned to walk so she could go find a pony. Her younger brother liked Scouts, organized sports - meh, and was often dragged to the barn. “Mom, is it time to go yet?” or “That stupid goat ate my homework AGAIN!”
He did lead line at shows with a friend and decided to retire. “It’s too easy to win a blue ribbon”. He joined Pony Club with his sister, and enjoyed the meetings, friends, snacks and unmounted activities. He liked the unmounted quiz rally, and it was some surprise that he expressed a wish to do a mounted rally. We borrowed a mostly saintly pony, did all the preps and we were off.
At the rally son, pony, and a small mountain of carefully labeled required stuff was unloaded and consigned to the care of the rally officials, C advisor and his team. I stepped away with the rest of the parents, heeding stern warnings not to interfere as PC rules.
He makes it to formal inspection on time and even remembers his dressage test. Show jumping see them trotting over their 18inch jumps in fine style, until the pony has a moment in the corner and he is off. But he pops right up and is soon laughing at something, so all is well. The little cross-country course is last on their list. They start out at a determined trot, popping over the jumps. The trot grows bigger and finally they land cantering. While cantering over the last few jumps, they pick up speed and cue the Top Gun music; they are coming in Hot! By this time my inner Mom voice is screaming, “Stop the madness, get over there, tackle the pony and save him!” Fortunately, the last bits of my sanity, and the other Moms stopped me. As they come flying up, I see he has a huge grin on his face, and they come to an orderly stop. I think their team was 5th, but on the way home he was as excited as if he had just won at Rolex. Once again, he chose to retire in glory, but he discovered the joy of pushing the boundaries. He still pushes (Marine Corps, Skydiving, rock climbing), but has only done a few family vacation trail rides.
I found a brush with his name recently, and we had a good time laughing about the day. Good for you Mom, encouraging your child’s journey, whatever the length. May you have good times, joy and your daughter discover new things.
That said – just IMO, until kids are around 11-13 yo and have a stronger sense of themselves, most parents do have children into more than one sport. Even if it is only one or two at a time, but changing when interest is giving way.
Giving the child a chance to discover for themselves what grabs their attention, and what lasts. As they mature mentally, physically and emotionally, at some point the child speaks up and has a better sense of what gives them a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. Not just enjoyment, because sports have a lot of hard work behind them, by definition. Putting in the work to get to the fun part is the whole point of sports. 
Riding has a lot of early frustration built in, maybe more than many sports. Early learning is on lesson horses. Lesson horses are – well, lesson horses. They don’t cooperate with going forward or turning unless the rider follows through with all their might. Very big ‘try’ involved. That’s something many children have never done before, at least not the ones coming my way. And the positive results may not be felt instantly. That said, kids who have some strength and do try hard can often gather initial skills fairly quickly. If they don’t have the ‘try’, though, the whole thing becomes a slog for everyone, including the horse. And honestly that often points to riding not being their real interest.
I was 10 before I started lessons, and I wasn’t insanely horse crazy until grade 4, so 10 or 11.
I remember having conversations with myself - “if you are going to break a bone make sure it’s an arm so you can still ride” 
But I did not grow up in a horse family, in any way. Not even extended. So maybe I’m the anomaly and she really will never like riding, lol.
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I think this describes my daughter. It’s a hobby for her, among other hobbies too. For me, it’s always been an all consuming passion. And honestly, I’m fine with that. Happy with it even. It’s different for her than it is me and I’m okay with it.
We are ending the lease she has this summer and we aren’t jumping into something else with her right away. She can always hop on my horse or her Aunt’s. And there’s a few horses she can ride at the barn. She’s wanting to try volleyball in the fall so I think being less committed is a good idea for her.
But no doubt, the riding and the horses have given her such confidence that it definitely has paved way forward for her as a teenager:)
My experience, so imo. The idea of riding is what grabs many people with very little or no direct experience of horses. There are the stories and movies of a young person jumping on to the back of a wild horse, and away they go. That’s the idea that many humans carry in their imagination, with no real experience to say otherwise.
We also have The Lord of the Rings magical steeds and Harry Potter’s hippogriffs (I want one) where you think about where you want to go, hang on, and the mighty steed will get you there. In half the time of a Maserati Trofeo with no traffic. And apparently the seat on the horse/hippogriff is both easy and comfortable to manage for a newb.
Although few of today’s children have read either series, the idea seems to have held over from the early 2000’s when both were popular.
Reality – oh dear. Nothing at all like that. There has to be massive perseverance to progress to where a rider starts to feel like a team with their horse. Many young riders are initially taken aback by that, although fortunately they start to engage when they make enough effort to start getting results.
Except for a few instances where parents mount their youngster on a ‘safe’ and amazingly schooled ‘made horse’ that never puts a foot wrong. Which sets wildly inaccurate expectations for adulthood on a horse. (Have met a couple of adult riders like that who weren’t thrilled to find themselves on a horse that actually sometimes stopped in front of a jump.)
Anyway. Another factor to consider is what is the child’s idea of riding. How flexible and interested will they be when they begin to experience the challenge. And, how physically strong is the child. To turn the head and neck of a pony or horse and hold it in the direction they want to go, until the pony/horse finally decides that compliance is easier. An animal that is stronger than the child, but does have a history of going along with the program when the rider doesn’t give up.
Kids and horses is not checkers it’s the chess in life. It’s teaching them to anticipate reactions to be able to head them off. It’s awareness on multi levels. And its empathy for other living beings. Any of this is not money or time wasted.
In the last decade, they’ve started to realize that girls on the autism spectrum present a little differently than boys, and one of the topics autistic girls tend to hyperfocus on is horses.
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