Fatal attraction (sorry, long)

[Ponyclubrocks]

[QUOTE=Alter me this;7165770]
Okay - the more suggestions you guys give, the more thinking I do - I’ve been trying to change up which day of the week I give my horse as a day off to try to trip her up, but that didn’t seem to work.

Now that I think about it more though, I’ve realized that I’m a pretty easy person to follow on social media. I keep everything friends-only, but won’t hesitate to share with my friends that I’m going to a movie, will post a picture from a nice dinner date, will take an Instagram picture, etc.

It could be very possible that she is determining which days I won’t be at the barn by following what I post on Facebook, etc. I’m going to try to cut down on the amount of times that I post about what I’m doing, but would you guys go so far as to delete/block her on social media? I’m worried that this will just cause backlash…she would definitely notice my absence on her news feed, as she is constantly commenting on my stuff (surprise, surprise).[/QUOTE]
Regarding social media. Put out a post that you are going off the grid for the time being. Then you can block her while she is not expecting to see any updates from you.

[WannabeDQ]

I have an ex-boyfriend like this. He was very normal at first, then started getting more and more possessive, then just got down right scary. Do not under estimate people like this! Get everyone involved with what is going on (boarders, BO, trainer) so they can help you when you are at the barn. Also, COMPLETELY cut this person off. Don’t speak to them, don’t answer them, have absolutely no contact with them. Hopefully she will get the message. If things get ugly do not hesitate to get help. This may sound extreme but I had to look into a restraining order. Maybe the threat of that will be enough to get her to leave you alone or at least prompt the trainer to get involved.

Hopefully your situation is not as bad as mine was. I spent a year worrying about what he was going to do to myself and my loved ones. Crazy people are no joke.

[trubandloki]

Gosh, how to make a good place (the barn) horribly uncomfortable.

This does sound like it might escalate if LF feels like you are not being a good enough friend anymore. You might want to see if you can talk to her old trainer just to know how long term her issues are.

Like was mentioned above, document everything. Time to start keeping a journal.

I would stop posting on facebook. You are letting her in with your details…she is feeling apart of your life. I have one “friend” like that on Facebook. It is ashame…but you really have to be careful what you post if anything.

You can post so she does not see what you post with out unfriending her. She will just think you are not posting.

[WannabeDQ]

and absolutely block them on Facebook!!! As someone else said, time to put on your bitch hat.

[Perfect10]

On facebook, you can change your privacy settings so that a specific person can’t see things you post. That would be better than blocking her, since she would realize and possibly retaliate. Also, I don’t think being bitchy is the right approach with this girl. If you’re at all worried about retaliation, don’t be downright rude to her.

[Dewey]

I would definitely take a break for FB altogether until this situation is resolved. Talk to the professional first and get advice. Then block her. But for now, I suggest you stop posting on FB. As the poster above suggests, it creates a sense of intimacy and is fodder for stalkers. If she asks why you’re not posting, just say you’ve been too busy for FB.

[Dewey]

[QUOTE=Perfect10;7165802]
On facebook, you can change your privacy settings so that a specific person can’t see things you post. That would be better than blocking her, since she would realize and possibly retaliate. Also, I don’t think being bitchy is the right approach with this girl. If you’re at all worried about retaliation, don’t be downright rude to her.[/QUOTE]

Strongly agree with this post.

[KateKat]

[QUOTE=Alter me this;7165770]
Okay - the more suggestions you guys give, the more thinking I do - I’ve been trying to change up which day of the week I give my horse as a day off to try to trip her up, but that didn’t seem to work.

Now that I think about it more though, I’ve realized that I’m a pretty easy person to follow on social media. I keep everything friends-only, but won’t hesitate to share with my friends that I’m going to a movie, will post a picture from a nice dinner date, will take an Instagram picture, etc.

It could be very possible that she is determining which days I won’t be at the barn by following what I post on Facebook, etc. I’m going to try to cut down on the amount of times that I post about what I’m doing, but would you guys go so far as to delete/block her on social media? I’m worried that this will just cause backlash…she would definitely notice my absence on her news feed, as she is constantly commenting on my stuff (surprise, surprise).[/QUOTE]

Yes. Block her. And if she asks, just tell her you got off FB.

[Jumper_girl221]

I wouldn’t block her or defriend her…that could send her off the deep end.

I’d put her on a limited profile so she can only see posts you choose to make public.

[anotherera]

I’m older than most of the posters on here, so I’m going to chime in from years of experience with “loonies” at barns where I have boarded or trained at. You MUST be willing to cut off all contact with this person. That means phone #'s must be changed no matter how inconvenient for you, FB page must be ditched or get a new anonymous page that only your real friends know about, and please consider moving to another barn, in the stealth of night if possible! I would have your SO with you at all times when you might have to be alone around this loon. That also means when you have a face to face with her. I hope that she doesn’t know where you work or where you live. People are way too free these days with the info that they give out, thinking EVERYONE is nice, or their friend. Do you know any law enforcement people that you could ask their opinion of what you can do? This is beginning to sound like stalking, and a restraining order might be something you might have to consider. As for those who think that horse people wouldn’t hurt another person’s horse, I’ve seen it up close and personal. Tails cut, caustic substances put on the girth area before a show, horse being pitchforked, the list goes on. Don’t expect any help from the BO/BM. All they see is $$ lost and they will ignore the loons in order to “keep the peace.”

[talkofthetown]

[QUOTE=Perfect10;7165802]
On facebook, you can change your privacy settings so that a specific person can’t see things you post. That would be better than blocking her, since she would realize and possibly retaliate. Also, I don’t think being bitchy is the right approach with this girl. If you’re at all worried about retaliation, don’t be downright rude to her.[/QUOTE]

@Dewey;7165823

Strongly agree with this post.

Me, too.

I wonder why Looney hasn’t ever tried hanging out outside of the barn (or has she?)?

:eek: What if the obsession started at the Old Barn, and that’s why Looney followed the OP to this barn???

Ok sorry, that was a joke, not trying to freak anyone out:lol: But these kinds of people really do make you wonder how their minds work…

[2horseygirls]

[QUOTE=Alter me this;7165770]
Okay - the more suggestions you guys give, the more thinking I do - I’ve been trying to change up which day of the week I give my horse as a day off to try to trip her up, but that didn’t seem to work.

Now that I think about it more though, I’ve realized that I’m a pretty easy person to follow on social media. I keep everything friends-only, but won’t hesitate to share with my friends that I’m going to a movie, will post a picture from a nice dinner date, will take an Instagram picture, etc.

It could be very possible that she is determining which days I won’t be at the barn by following what I post on Facebook, etc. I’m going to try to cut down on the amount of times that I post about what I’m doing, but would you guys go so far as to delete/block her on social media? I’m worried that this will just cause backlash…she would definitely notice my absence on her news feed, as she is constantly commenting on my stuff (surprise, surprise).[/QUOTE]

FB offers a Restricted list, that only sees what you make Public to the rest of the world. Put her on it ASAP! However, keep in mind that she will still see what you like and comment on in the ticker to the right. There’s nothing you can do about that; I’ve tried. :rolleyes:

I have a few people on the Restricted list; one particular friend who I feel isn’t making any attempt at friendship interaction, so why should she be able to keep up with what I am doing via FB + two mutual friends who would feed her updates. Plus one lovely woman who is also an investigator, who was liking every-single-solitary-thing I did, which was fine (I guess) for horse-related stuff, but a little creepy regarding family/non-horsey-friend related pages.

Once you add her to the Restricted list, you can go to your page, then click on the gear to get to View As . . . Put in her name, and you will be able to see exactly what is visible to her.

If she asks, “whoops! FB changed my settings again, dang it! I will fix it when I have the chance . . .busy, busy, busy.” And I’ll post a shared picture from a random site every now and then so it’s not entirely obvious they’ve been mostly blocked. It’s entirely plausible that you have just become too busy to keep up with social media.

I very much like 2ndyrgal’s suggested speech, but would touch base with a mental health professional just to get their read on the situation, to be sure that you are not opening yourself (or your horse - there is NO telling a person’s behavior) up to increasingly aggressive actions.

How does she interact with other boarders? If she is around the barn 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, they HAVE to have interacted with her. Maybe approach it as “Just wondering if LT is as helpful to all of you as she is to me?” That might open the door to others who have had similar experiences, but didn’t want to make a big deal of it, but since there are 1, 3, 17 other people that feel the same way, there may be strength in numbers if all of you go to BO with your uncomfortable feelings.

Good luck.

[Alter_me_this]

[QUOTE=2horseygirls;7165846]
FB offers a Restricted list, that only sees what you make Public to the rest of the world. Put her on it ASAP! However, keep in mind that she will still see what you like and comment on in the ticker to the right. There’s nothing you can do about that; I’ve tried. :rolleyes:

I have a few people on the Restricted list; one particular friend who I feel isn’t making any attempt at friendship interaction, so why should she be able to keep up with what I am doing via FB + two mutual friends who would feed her updates. Plus one lovely woman who is also an investigator, who was liking every-single-solitary-thing I did, which was fine (I guess) for horse-related stuff, but a little creepy regarding family/non-horsey-friend related pages.

Once you add her to the Restricted list, you can go to your page, then click on the gear to get to View As . . . Put in her name, and you will be able to see exactly what is visible to her.

If she asks, “whoops! FB changed my settings again, dang it! I will fix it when I have the chance . . .busy, busy, busy.” And I’ll post a shared picture from a random site every now and then so it’s not entirely obvious they’ve been mostly blocked. It’s entirely plausible that you have just become too busy to keep up with social media.

I very much like 2ndyrgal’s suggested speech, but would touch base with a mental health professional just to get their read on the situation, to be sure that you are not opening yourself (or your horse - there is NO telling a person’s behavior) up to increasingly aggressive actions.

How does she interact with other boarders? If she is around the barn 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, they HAVE to have interacted with her. Maybe approach it as “Just wondering if LT is as helpful to all of you as she is to me?” That might open the door to others who have had similar experiences, but didn’t want to make a big deal of it, but since there are 1, 3, 17 other people that feel the same way, there may be strength in numbers if all of you go to BO with your uncomfortable feelings.

Good luck.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for the advice, especially re: Facebook. I think that’s a good way to do it without it being completely obvious that I’m trying to shut her out.

Other boarders think that she’s odd and have noticed her strong attachment to me. She isn’t nearly as willing to help out others as much as me - I seem to be her main focus. I think I’m going to have a convo with some of my close barn friends and request that if they see her acting strangely towards me, to just mention it to the BO so that she starts hearing it from more people.

[2bayboys]

I would also tell the BO that, other than normal routine things with your horse such as feeding and turnout, you do not want this girl grooming or tacking up or otherwise touching what belongs to you.

[Dewey]

[QUOTE=Alter me this;7165860]
Other boarders think that she’s odd and have noticed her strong attachment to me. She isn’t nearly as willing to help out others as much as me - I seem to be her main focus. I think I’m going to have a convo with some of my close barn friends and request that if they see her acting strangely towards me, to just mention it to the BO so that she starts hearing it from more people.[/QUOTE]

That’s a good idea. Victims of stalkers are often advised to tell all their friends, co-workers, etc. what is going on so that the stalker cannot obtain information about you through them. Advise your barn friends not to use the word “stalk” and to be casual and cool with this person if she starts asking them about you, but tell them not to give any information away. Tell them to say they don’t know where you live, where you went on your trail ride, etc.

[Alter_me_this]

[QUOTE=Dewey;7165877]
That’s a good idea. Victims of stalkers are often advised to tell all their friends, co-workers, etc. what is going on so that the stalker cannot obtain information about you through them. Advise your barn friends not to use the word “stalk” and to be casual and cool with this person if she starts asking them about you, but tell them not to give any information away. Tell them to say they don’t know where you live, where you went on your trail ride, etc.[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately, she already knows where I live. That’s the problem with these types - they start off so seemingly normal…

[Bogie]

I agree with setting stricter boundaries.

I would definitely lock your trunk and take your tack home with you, at least for awhile. If she asks, tell her that things were getting borrowed and you feel more comfortable keeping them locked up.

If she tries to groom your horse or “help” you, firmly tell her that it makes you uncomfortable to accept these services and that since you are not in a position to pay her for them, you’ll have to insist that she stops. This will help take you out of the friend zone. Same deal for grooming at shows. Don’t accept her “gifts” because it puts her in a power position.

Definitely tell the BO that you want to minimize her contact with your horse as much as possible.

Next time she wants to ride with you, tell her that you’ve had the kind of day where you’d prefer to be alone . . . or that you need to focus on riding . . . etc. Be polite but distant.

I’d actually skip barn functions for awhile or arrange to see other barn friends on an impromptu basis. Certainly I’d restrict her access to your FB postings.

Hopefully, if you remain distant but polite she won’t melt down.

Good luck. It sounds like a dreadful situation for you. I hope it gets better soon.

[amastrike]

[QUOTE=Jumper_girl221;7165836]
I wouldn’t block her or defriend her…that could send her off the deep end.

I’d put her on a limited profile so she can only see posts you choose to make public.[/QUOTE]

I did that… still sent the person off the deep end :rolleyes:. This fruitcake may not notice being put on limited/restricted profile, though. Either way, I’d limit FB access.

[Alter_me_this]

I think right now I’m just going to try my best to quit posting anything that would let her know what I’m doing/where I am and see where that gets me. I don’t want to come to the barn and find that my horse “caught his tail in the fence” because I blocked her/limited her access on FB.

[alternate_universe]

You have some really good advice and scripts for telling her to leave you alone. Just remember, this girl, in all honesty, is probably mentally ill. I know it’s easy to be mad at her, but realize that she’s probably not too happy on the inside either. I feel kind of bad for people like this. When you give her the message to back off don’t personally insult her by calling her crazy or a psycho or anything. She doesn’t need that.