If the OP were in an abusive situation with a drunk DH, we would all tell her that either he sober up, or she needs to get out.
That is an ultimatum. For her own safety. Don’t see much of a difference than the real situation with LT.
OP, can you please chime back in so I don’t keep thinking the absolute worst has happened?
[QUOTE=talkofthetown;7168237]
If the OP were in an abusive situation with a drunk DH, we would all tell her that either he sober up, or she needs to get out.
That is an ultimatum. For her own safety. Don’t see much of a difference than the real situation with LT.[/QUOTE]
You don’t see a difference? The ultimatum is being given to the BO who is a third party and doesn’t have any evidence other than the OP’s vague comments to make a judgement.
What if someone went to your BO, saying you were harrassing them and it was you or them? Would you honestly expect the BO to take action or would you feel wrongly accused?
You have ONE side of a story. Yes, it sounds like there is a problem, but you really don’t know how much of a problem because you’ve only heard the OP’s version. COTH can be such a mob sometimes.
It’s true that I’m cynical and while I believe the OP, I also realize it is only one part of the story. People hear and perceive things differently and maybe LT isn’t really as crazy as OP is making her sound. Maybe she is…but it’s awfully arrogant to think you can tell be one version of a story on an internet bulletin board.
I’m alive, I promise!
Had a good meeting with the BO - she’s going to have a chat with her about keeping boundaries with the other boarders (not mentioning anyone specific, just boarders in general) and will make it less about “you’re creepy!” and more about making sure that no one horse or boarder is appearing to get special treatment over the others (ie. free baths, tack cleaning, etc.), that she’s staying on task while working, and going to gently remind her that while this is her place of work and riding, she needs to treat it as such and not just somewhere to “hang out” for hours on end.
We’re going to give it a week or two and see if there’s an improvement and then BO said if things don’t change, more drastic measures will be taken.
To end the ultimatum debate - that’s likely never going to happen. I’m not the ultimatum type, the BO has been GREAT to me for as long as I’ve been here, and I’m going to give her a chance to work this out with LooneyTunes before I go into her office guns blazing, telling her I’m leaving and joining the witness protection program.
[QUOTE=Alter me this;7168318]
I’m alive, I promise!
Had a good meeting with the BO - she’s going to have a chat with her about keeping boundaries with the other boarders (not mentioning anyone specific, just boarders in general) and will make it less about “you’re creepy!” and more about making sure that no one horse or boarder is appearing to get special treatment over the others (ie. free baths, tack cleaning, etc.), that she’s staying on task while working, and going to gently remind her that while this is her place of work and riding, she needs to treat it as such and not just somewhere to “hang out” for hours on end.
We’re going to give it a week or two and see if there’s an improvement and then BO said if things don’t change, more drastic measures will be taken.[/QUOTE]
Excellent!
[QUOTE=Alter me this;7168318]
I’m alive, I promise!
Had a good meeting with the BO - she’s going to have a chat with her about keeping boundaries with the other boarders (not mentioning anyone specific, just boarders in general) and will make it less about “you’re creepy!” and more about making sure that no one horse or boarder is appearing to get special treatment over the others (ie. free baths, tack cleaning, etc.), that she’s staying on task while working, and going to gently remind her that while this is her place of work and riding, she needs to treat it as such and not just somewhere to “hang out” for hours on end.
We’re going to give it a week or two and see if there’s an improvement and then BO said if things don’t change, more drastic measures will be taken.[/QUOTE]
This sounds really positive. Good news.
Glad you are alive and have the BO on board with Operation Defuse LT
I WON’T BE IGNORED!!!
j/k - it’s not me, I don’t know OP nor do I work in a barn!
Sounds like a good plan!
[QUOTE=Mara;7168356]
I WON’T BE IGNORED!!!
j/k - it’s not me, I don’t know OP nor do I work in a barn![/QUOTE]
So you say… :uhoh:
:winkgrin:
I only read the first 5 pages, but…
To me in similar situations, COTH seems to jump from 0 to “OMGdanger”.
The OP has been friendly and has drawn very few in any boundaries thus far - letting Fatal hack the horse, backing down on Fatal being a groom, trailing after Fatal at the party. When OP didn’t do what Fatal wanted, Fatal…sulked/gave silent treatment. There is stuff going missing, ok, but no proof.
From this we get advice relating to criminal stalking behavior, people going off the deep end/hurting horse or other pets, and asking the BO to fire Fatal. Remember, OP has never told Fatal to take a freaking hike, and that she doesn’t wanna be friends. If I was the BO, given no proof of either theft or anything criminal/rule-breaking, I’d laugh in OP’s face and tell her to put on her Big Girl knickers and tell Fatal to bugger off.
Is there a possibility that Fatal will actually go off the deep end? There might be. But thus far all I see is a spineless OP unable to deal directly with an overbearing, smothering barnmate, and half of COTH anticipating a Single White Female scenario.
[QUOTE=Coanteen;7168649]
I only read the first 5 pages, but…
To me in similar situations, COTH seems to jump from 0 to “OMGdanger”.
The OP has been friendly and has drawn very few in any boundaries thus far - letting Fatal hack the horse, backing down on Fatal being a groom, trailing after Fatal at the party. When OP didn’t do what Fatal wanted, Fatal…sulked/gave silent treatment. There is stuff going missing, ok, but no proof.
From this we get advice relating to criminal stalking behavior, people going off the deep end/hurting horse or other pets, and asking the BO to fire Fatal. Remember, OP has never told Fatal to take a freaking hike, and that she doesn’t wanna be friends. If I was the BO, given no proof of either theft or anything criminal/rule-breaking, I’d laugh in OP’s face and tell her to put on her Big Girl knickers and tell Fatal to bugger off.
Is there a possibility that Fatal will actually go off the deep end? There might be. But thus far all I see is a spineless OP unable to deal directly with an overbearing, smothering barnmate, and half of COTH anticipating a Single White Female scenario.[/QUOTE]
THIS. Coth has gone way off the deep end with the stalking idea.
There is a girl at our barn that does that to a male rider. She basically ‘took over’ the care of his horse slowly while working as the manager of our facility. She goes to every show, takes over the care of his horse and relegates him to just riding so she can control who he’s around. She basically wormed in until she made him dependent on her and he had no idea how to stop it. One other guy told him ‘you call her a stalker, I call it a free groom’ lol.
He is beyond upset, we all try to help by making a buffer zone in any way that we can but, in the end, it’s him that has to deal with her directly to stop this. In some ways by giving in to her, he is just enabling her to continue so we’ve been working on him saying no more frequently and basically weaning her of helping. It can’t be done all at once, she’s wouldn’t survive that, so it’s gradual by him doing things when she has a class or is cleaning stalls and can’t leave to stop him or take over. It’s a lot of work avoiding her and she won’t be ever totally out of his horse picture, but he is content with the level of involvement it will get to and he’s committed to being stronger at pushing her away while one of use then distracts her from what he’s doing. It’s easy to give lots of input on how to stop this type of person, but since I’m looking at it from the outside, it was so neatly done over a long period of time, and he’s not a confrontational person at all, that it was hard to see what she was actually accomplishing with her actions. It seemed to be random bits of help, then more at the show and so on. We actually told him not to be so sensitive, she was just being nice!
It’s not ideal, but we all have to live with her and we had to find a good happy medium to the craziness of before. Our next step is to find her a man…:yes:
I should mention, she isn’t dangerous or anything! Just another scenario of someone not being able to deal with another person and the situation escalated.
[QUOTE=Sueby;7169221]
There is a girl at our barn that does that to a male rider. She basically ‘took over’ the care of his horse slowly while working as the manager of our facility. She goes to every show, takes over the care of his horse and relegates him to just riding so she can control who he’s around. She basically wormed in until she made him dependent on her and he had no idea how to stop it. One other guy told him ‘you call her a stalker, I call it a free groom’ lol.
He is beyond upset, we all try to help by making a buffer zone in any way that we can but, in the end, it’s him that has to deal with her directly to stop this. In some ways by giving in to her, he is just enabling her to continue so we’ve been working on him saying no more frequently and basically weaning her of helping. It can’t be done all at once, she’s wouldn’t survive that, so it’s gradual by him doing things when she has a class or is cleaning stalls and can’t leave to stop him or take over. It’s a lot of work avoiding her and she won’t be ever totally out of his horse picture, but he is content with the level of involvement it will get to and he’s committed to being stronger at pushing her away while one of use then distracts her from what he’s doing. It’s easy to give lots of input on how to stop this type of person, but since I’m looking at it from the outside, it was so neatly done over a long period of time, and he’s not a confrontational person at all, that it was hard to see what she was actually accomplishing with her actions. It seemed to be random bits of help, then more at the show and so on. We actually told him not to be so sensitive, she was just being nice!
It’s not ideal, but we all have to live with her and we had to find a good happy medium to the craziness of before. Our next step is to find her a man…:yes:[/QUOTE]
There is much to be said for a spine, Big Boy Pants, and telling her to shove off.
I think it’s a sign there are more lonely people out there, possibly with unrecognized mental illness, than we realize.
This thread is valuable in helping everyone recognize the difference between ordinary helpfulness and a Fatal Attraction, and where to draw the line before things get really awkward!
I can see how in the beginning, a Free Groom would be hard to resist! 
I can completely understand the temptation to want to brush this persons behavior off as her having poor social skills or being insecure and overbearing, but I think you do need to keep an open mind that she might be mentally ill–perhaps seriously.
[QUOTE=2foals;7170798]
I can completely understand the temptation to want to brush this persons behavior off as her having poor social skills or being insecure and overbearing, but I think you do need to keep an open mind that she might be mentally ill–perhaps seriously.[/QUOTE]
Excellent post…I read some of the posts after I posted and thought well I guess my posts from my experience might have come across as taking something that could be very benign and turning it into some sordid equestrian themed fatal attraction.
We should be compassionate and caring…and should be sympathic and feel for those who are lonely or need a hand…many of us have at one time or another needed that shoulder… or needed that exteneded hand…or people’s kindess and been so grateful for it and so appreciative.
As far as mental illness we do have a long road ahead as a community, still in understanding and education and sympathy and it should never be something thought of as just an abstract drama filled piece of conversation…it is serious and so sad and tragic what people go through.
I think people like myself who have had the best of intentions and true motives without any selfish or negative agenda…have had to deal with people who could have fit this description to a T…and they were anything but the lonely person who needs a friend or the person struggling with illness.
While I agree that we all have to communicate and be assertive and stick to our boundaries and keep up the no tresspassing signs, that sometimes there are people out there who thrive on this kind of destructive behavior…their “target” is not as it seems…it is not someone they want to be friends with but rather someone they want to hurt and that is why some of us are being maybe a bit over the top in concern for the OP.
The OP sounds like a caring person who would be a friend to someone a bit over the top with needs and boundaries…but obviosusly something is not sitting right with her and that is where the advice was coming from.
We aould all love for this to be a case of someone just needing a friend and a reminder about boundaries and the OP being that friend to her…but it is important to be prepared and aware that sadly the noise in the garage at midnight is more likely Charles Manson then E.T.
[QUOTE=Moesha;7170832]
…but it is important to be prepared and aware that sadly the noise in the garage at midnight is more likely Charles Manson then E.T.[/QUOTE]
Or really more likely the cat…or a raccoon.
I do however get your point. My point isn’t to dismiss the OP’s concerns. But less be worried about someone is nuts or out to get you…but be better about following your own gut. If someone’s actions bother you or set off a red flag…listen to that early and do something about it early. You do not have to be a cold person who puts up walls…or doesn’t extend out a helping hand to strangers…but you DO have to be smart about it and very clear in what you put out. The OPs LT behavior DID set off some red flags to the OP early on. The biggest learning point from all this was that she didn’t fix it right then…and now it will be more complicated.
