She is seriously wonderful and not much rattles her which is nice. She’s a been there done that type of horse, and my horses are gaited…she has a seriously smooth ride!
Yes, a TON of anxiety issues. You are right- she was literally the only kid there, most everyone else (besides me) are 40+ all the way up into their 60s.
Yes, I know the horse pretty well from riding her in the past and is a really really nice horse, that is why I jumped on the offer. I was going to get another horse eventually as I wanted to move my senior gelding to my house and he would need a buddy.
With all the replies from this thread, I am feeling much more confident about being firm and what to say them when they do contact me.
Here, let’s fix this. “They just wanted to get out from under the responsibility of keeping a horse but wanted to maintain the ability to chuck their daughter somewhere for a few hours on THEIR schedule so they could ditch that responsibility too.”
I hope you’re able to get out from under them. Stand firm. “No.” is a complete sentence.
For all we know, the horse was given to them in some loose exchange for some other business debt, and they’re just the kind of people to think this kind of free-for-all is normal.
I feel sorry for the kid, too, and I don’t even know her. But the safe and correct way for the kid to move forward, and still make it to 18 alive, is to take lessons with a trainer, not show up at odd hours at your place, @Threeprettyhorses. The best thing you can do is direct the parents back toward that endeavor.
Ive always viewed blocking numbers from a mental health standpoint and I don’t view this situation that way. These people know where she lives and have no qualms about a lot of things they should. I dont trust people like that, and I would want to keep EVERY communication attempt in case it needs to be referenced down the road as well as have a heads up if they text they are bringing the kid over which I could see happening with these types of people. They have no boundaries.
If they didnt already know where OP lives and where the horse was? 100% block. Way past that here. Going non-contact? Absolutely! I wouldn’t be responding to any communication attempts other than to set boundaries, but I would want a heads up to any of their shenanigans.
Wow @Threeprettyhorses, you have been put in a tough spot.
In my imaginary happy world I like to think there are not people this clueless and disrespectful who clearly do not care much about their daughter.
Clearly that is not how it works.
I do think it is time to set boundaries and the lines have to be thick and firm.
It sucks for this poor girl, but that is the fault of her parents.
Inform them via whatever means you can (text and a mailed letter maybe) that your insurance and/or lawyer informed you that since this is your private home and you are not insured for teaching horse lessons that you are not allowed to host daughter anymore.
Here’s the thing: you had a verbal (only) agreement that the kid could come visit the horse “once in a great while.” They breached that agreement some time ago. So now you get to void your end of it. No more visits. Ever. The horse is yours, you’ll sell her if it suits you, but it is no longer their horse and they are done. They don’t get to argue and they don’t get to ask. Done. Done. Done. Do not feel sorry for the kid. I understand children with anxiety disorders, I am mother to two of them (now adults). And while I think it’s unlikely, it is entirely possible that the little girl is manipulating mommy and daddy and they drop her off all the time to 1. placate her, and 2. get her out of their hair because they can’t deal with her.
I doubt that’s the case, but it is another way to look at the situation. The thing is this: YOU DO NOT OWE THEM ANYTHING. You lived up to your end of the bargain the first 3 or 4 times they did this to you. You have paid for the horse. It’s time for them to move on.
Since you don’t like confrontation, don’t have one. Write it down, put it in an email and a text and tell them that this is the end, no more discussion, please don’t try to talk me out of it. You are on your own. Seabiscuit is mine now and your daughter doesn’t have a horse anymore. If they show up at your home, you will prosecute them for trespassing. Sorry, not sorry.
Yes. I definitely see mental health protection needed for the OP in this situation. Again, I am old and crotchety and have had enough of other people’s garbage that my “no” is very strong and includes protecting my mental health by blocking people that are not good for me up to and including threatening trespassing charges if any sort of in-person visit were to be considered.
Re: blocking - If no communications come through, there is no communication. If communications come through (read or listened to or completely ignored) then there is a toll on the OP’s mental health AND a ‘paper trail’ of what the idiots may choose to view as tacit agreement to whatever cockamamie plan they come up with for disturbing the OP at all hours.
Are we concerned about retaliation after the OP says no and blocks them? These people can’t even supervise their own child, they’re not that likely to be able to coordinate much more than a bit of (annoying for sure) but harmless gossip and even then, it doesn’t sound like they travel the same circles so who cares?
I am guessing the OP is more concerned that these people will simply drop the kid off assuming she got their message about the kid coming, and drive away. The OP might not even be home.
The risk imposed by a ‘paper trail’ is even higher if OP blocks them.
If she gets the message that says “We are dropping kid off Tuesday at 7pm” then she can say that complete sentence, “No” and then the paper trail indicates she said no. In her shoes, I would add “I will not be home, so you cannot leave kid at my house” or something like that, because I would want the paper trail to show that I made parent aware that a drop off would leave their kid unsupervised at my house.
I like that paper trail a WHOLE lot better than the paper trail where they say “We are dropping kid off Tuesday at 7pm” but I have them blocked so I never receive that message, and they can interpret my non-response any old way they want, including tacit agreement, and then I am utterly surprised to come home on Tuesday at 8pm and there’s a horribly injured kid in my barn, or kid has let the horses out, or some other totally preventable tragedy has occurred on my property.
Yup.
This is worth reading regarding liability and minors
No. This is where the “I am blocking you. Do not contact me again.” comes in before the actual blocking. At the point of blocking, the blocker no longer receives any messages. Nothing shows anywhere on their devices. They have given all appropriate warnings and have appropriately washed their hands of the jerks and any responsibility/liability they try to impose on the OP.
The jerks need to take responsibility for their own child. The OP is not in any way responsible for their child.
I mean we’re back in circles here, but like I said - I would rather receive the messages. These boundary-ignorers very well may ignore my boundaries, and if they do then I’d rather have a heads up. Other people (you, OP, whoever) might want that heads up or not, but I would.
Before you (the OP) initiates the most draconian suggestions in the thread (for example, contacting child protective services), you need to have a real conversation with the parents. What you say to them is up to you: 1) never come onto this property again, or 2) daughter may only come out one time per month at a pre-arranged time that lasts only for 2 hours, 3) whatever other option you might ultimately decide.
You need to have that conversation.
It’s possible, and maybe it’s a stretch, that the parents don’t know how you feel about what they’ve been doing. They may think everything is totally cool. They could be that clueless.
I think that escalating to Child Protective Services immediately (or the police) would be a disservice to the child who already is clearly dealing with dysfunctional parents. I get that the parental dysfunction is not your problem, but no need to exacerbate it (IMO).
Instead of escalating this situation I would schedule a talk with the parents and tell them that this deal is not working for you. You are going to sell the horse back to them for a dollar and they have 30 days to pick it up and board it somewhere else. Sure - the horse is really nice but it is too expensive. If you sell the horse to someone else or completely block them you might get dragged into a big fight with the parents. Yes, you might prevail legally but at what cost to your stress level? I am getting old and I don’t want to deal with people like this. Life is just nicer not to. Not to mention trying to deal with a big fight with the parents and trying to perform at my real job which supports me.
I don’t honestly think CPS or police is a useful tactic here unless you just want to “make trouble.”
Use your words, which you have not yet done.
These parents do not want the horse back. And it sounds like your ownership papers are solid.
The arrangement you make about the child is up to you and your insurance, but you are totally justified in banning her going forward.
It is absolutely not a “tactic” related to solving the problem of access to the horse. This should never, ever be used as a tactic, rather for no other reason than if one has a sincere and good-faith concern a child is being neglected or abuse. I mentioned it earlier in the thread because it sounds to me like there is that reasonable basis. But that is for OP’s judgment, discretion, etc.
I agree. I think CPS is something that sounds good online, but IRL never works. Always start with a conversation, a very clear one, since sometimes people who are very self-involved are very tone-deaf to nuance.
I’m wonder if the parents ditched the horse/made other arrangements because the barn put their foot down with the parents. I’m not so sure it will go as well for you as it did the barn. My experience is that this type of behavior usually gets worse before it gets better or goes away. In this case, they just directed the behavior onto someone else with a lot less recourse than a boarding barn has. They will care more about keeping their arrangement so they can ditch their kid off than they will about doing the right thing.
I would not be surprised if they threaten or try to sue you for “enforcement” or to take the horse back (so they have leverage to do this to someone else) as a means to pressure you into continuing the arrangement as is. Also, there are other ways to make your life hell in the furtherance of making you cave, be prepared to have to deal with them. I would consult with an attorney about how solid my claim was on the horse in your jurisdiction, what legal obligations you have about the visits, and what recourse you have in the case they continue to try to force the issue by dropping the kid off unannounced, and advice on how to word any such cease and desist communication you send them. If a conversation/letter from you goes badly or is ignored, be prepared to have a lawyer write them a letter to back you up. Let the attorney warn them of any possible legal outcomes with respect to their behavior of just dropping their kid off on you without your expressed permission.
These people wouldn’t acknowledge to their kid that they sold the horse. That is a moral low that you should recognize. Grifters are good at targeting people who will put up with their crap. Don’t take it from them anymore. I hope they will mosey on off relatively easily, but be prepared to act if you have a psychopath declare war on you in an effort to force you to cave to their whims.
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