Could you please put that in writing?
pluvinel, yeah, that was not a great analogy on my part, it was just what sprung to mind.
You hit the nail on the head also… I generally have these kinds of issues in life…(I get walked all over) so I assume it’s something about my demeanour that tends to inadvertently invite more of these comments. But if I assert myself, people seem taken aback. So yeah, I’m always worried that assertiveness = seen as bitchy. I think that I’m not uncommon in that experience though, I think this happens to a lot of women? My women friends who own their own businesses talk about that a lot. That they can’t seem to get anywhere with colleagues/clients/vendors if they act in a way they feel is generally polite, they get ignored/walked on, so they feel they have to step it up to bitch level to get anyone to listen/get anything done, and they hate it.
It’s just that I go to the barn to escape the other pressures of life so I just want to enjoy my time and not get steamed.
Sorry, didn’t mean to turn this into a therapy session. I appreciate everyone’s advice and will be trying out several tactics, starting with the nonconfrontational kind (earbuds, etc!)
WW, the strong women I can think of who don’t experience this are what I’d call Steel Magnolias 
they are often the first and last to speak; they drive the conversation and shape it to go where they want it to go. I enjoy talking to them on one level b/c I know they are driving and I’m just riding along, and on another it’s a detached experience …because they are driving, not sharing the road-does that make sense?
I find it too exhausting to drive all the time, and really prefer quiet companionship or respectful back and forth, but it’s rare, as it as always been rare, to find that. so, like you, I bounce around and just do my best.
You could experiment with being a little more Sally Fields than you are now, see how it feels?
No advice, but I can sympathize, though with our group it’s usually–why don’t you have trainer do it? or Oh my gosh he’s not in full training? It frustrates me to no end–yes, my horse is only 3.5, but he’s super easy and I take weekly or twice weekly lessons, I don’t always need trainer (whom I love and respect) to do everything for me–then how will I know how to fix the problem on my own or with my next horse?
[QUOTE=coloredhorse;8987176]
That was my point: That what some might see as “misbehavior” or “acting up,” others might not. So if anyone’s offers to have a conversation about another person’s horse behaving poorly are received with confusion or hostility, it’s not a bad idea to keep in mind that the behaviors in question might have different meaning to the horse owner. :)[/COLOR][/QUOTE]
A great point. I have never seen the value of telling another boarder what their standards for horse’s behavior or manners ought to be. I don’t care if they get dragged around on the ground, ignored under saddle or worse. It’s not my body in the mix.
What is hard is when I buy “more horse” than they have seen or chosen for themselves because I actually need that kind of mind or athleticism for the intended job.
In other words, my purpose-bred hunter had a very different mind than does my little dressage mare baby.
Neither, IMO, should ever be anything but a peach on the ground. And anyone should be able to handle them. That said, it takes more knowledge to get that from the sensitive, young a tad-insecure mare than it did from the “go along, get along” hunter gelding.
Ironically, I have had DQs tell me that they have no use for the Brannaman-esque ground work that makes horses so, so polite on the ground.
My point is that you cannot please all of the people all of the time. And all of us can only hold horses to standards that we have been taught. That’s why it’s best to keep out of other people’s business until they make it your business.
But I can’t understand these threads in which HOing adults don’t have a solution to the problem of telling someone else, “Thanks, I got this.” Why get pissed? Tell them how you want to interact; don’t tell us about how they don’t do that! We aren’t there and can’t fix it.
I am at a barn that has a lot of self-appointed 14 year old experts. It is bad to see other kids and their parents take the advise of these kids. It usually does not end well. I keep my mouth shut unless a) asked or b) myself or my horse are being put in danger. If b) is happening, I am direct and to the point. “Sitting in the middle of the arena while a horse is lunging is dangerous. You need to leave. Walking on foot around the arena in a teen pack of 5 all on your phones not paying attention to where you are going is causing a safety issue. You just walked out under my horse’s nose. You need to leave the arena.” I don’t spend any time worrying about what I said or how I said it.
Fobbing off unwanted advise can be more difficult. Some unwanted advisers are very persistent. It seems to be a sort of barn archetype to have a very loud very know it all Unwanted Adviser. There has been one in every barn I have been to. I don’t think that type gets their feelings hurt. “Thanks but not into that approach.” said a few times over and over eventually gets rid of them.
The Friendly Adviser may really just be trying to make conversation, like discussing the weather. If you want to be conversational, turn it back to them, like “How does that work for your horse?” If you do not want to be conversational, just shrug and say “Hmmm…sorry I just really need to focus on what I am doing right now.” and then do.
I have had a few times when I saw people doing something with their horse that looked like an accident waiting to happen. But. It was not going to involve me, so I bit my tongue and said nothing, remembering that unasked for advice is usually not well received.
Above all, don’t worry about it, don’t overthink it. If I do not feel conversational, I might just say, “I had a really long day, not really in the mood to be social.” People get it. Or not. Just go on with your horse stuff and let the other people fade into the woodwork.
This is a very good reason to keep your horses at home.
What a helpful comment~
Jdobbs, love that “steel magnolia” idea! I think this sums up what I was trying to tell OP in a less focused way. if you drive the conversation, then you are more in control. That’s why I was saying, come in, make stupid chit chat about the weather and what a nice colour their lead rope is, then say: well, got to get to work! And march on out. If someone tries to talk to you while you are working, acknowledge but say “sorry, can’t talk now. Let’s chat later!” (horsey version of “let’s do lunch sometime!” when you have no intention of ever following up).
If person cares enough to try following up with you after you work (doubt they will), you can flood them with your superior knowledge and shut them up. Just don’t let them talk about themselves. Because that’s what they really want to do.
You control how people interact with you.
I realize that it would be nice if the barn was an absolute quiet private place, but it isn’t, unless you have your own property. The barn is a social situation, though it doesn’t mean you have to spend time socializing there.
On the other hand, these people are all there as your peers; none of them have any supervisory power over you. It isn’t a job situation, and you are not at school. Sometimes we carry over our subordinate feelings about those environments, to our recreational places. And if you are in a lesson/trainer barn, there are legitimate teacher/student dynamics that do keep you in a somewhat apprentice role to the trainer. But if you are in an open boarding barn, no one has any more authority over you than some random old lady in the supermarket who starts telling you how to buy the best bananas
I’m trying to digest everyone’s replies, and I guess in the end, I’m trying to realize that people generally mean well, even when their comments come off as RUDE to me. Secondly, I need to figure out how to be assertive without coming off as a major b*tch. .
OP, being an assertive b!tch has worked wonders for me for a long time. I have the absolute epitome of RBF. Annoying people often say things like “you look mean, why don’t you smile more often?” My usual response is “because generally if people think I’m mean, they’ll leave me alone”. When really I’m not mean. I’m not a raging bitch unless I need to be. But I come across as a bit abrasive, and most people just leave me be. Which is my preference. And people who I like to be around and get to know me realize that I just come across as a harda$$. And that’s ok.
So, maybe assertive bitch is not a bad thing. Or maybe work on your RBF :winkgrin:
Ear buds are a good idea.
There will always be boarders who offer advice. Don’t take it personally ! I also second the social aspect- could be a way people are trying to start a conversation albeit at the wrong time/ wrong way.
I can’t say much since I’m not being super incognito with my username (my horse is my signature after all) but I will say that I have a good horse world friend that LOVES to give me advice. Sometimes it’s useful, sometimes it’s not. I learned to smile and thank her. Life continues on.
[QUOTE=whitewolfe001;8988517]
Bless your hearts, you sweet, kind-hearted, optimistic people who suggest that these folks are just “making conversation”. 
Sure, there are many pleasant people at my barn who just make conversation.
It’s the folks who brazenly come out with “you should ____” that drive me crazy. Esp when they do not ride / barely ride / do not ride in my discipline. [/QUOTE]
And once again, an OP comes back and adds additional information that makes half of the previous responses irrelevant. The OP made it sound like everyone at the barn was cluelessly chatty and unhelpfully helpful, not just a couple people.
If most of the people at your barn are nice and it’s just a couple who are aggravating you, then I don’t understand the problem. Just tell them, politely, but firmly, thanks but no thanks.
I don’t really get the quandary over being assertive/being a bitch. Be assertive. State your needs. If other people judge that as “bitchy,” that’s their problem, not yours. Besides, aren’t these people you want to leave you alone? So, 1. why do you care what they think? and 2. if they think you’re a bitch, then they’ll leave you alone and that’s a win.
Ugh. Tough crowd. Not great at taking hints. I’m along the same lines as Bluey. Hard of hearing goes a long way. Unless they’re standing right next to me, I just act like I didn’t hear a thing. It leaves them free to either spend the energy to repeat the useless helpful suggestion or move on without it reflecting back on me.
If they are right next to me, a short sweet “I’ll consider it” seems to work.
Stock answers:
Well ain’t that a corker?
Kahluuu Kahlayyyy!!!
Jimmy Crickets!!!
All that and a bag of nuts!!!
What would jesus do?
Back in the day, this is how we did it. It’s good enough for me!
I’ll have to consult my astrologist.
Please put this in writing and post it on your Facebook page!
I’ll have to consult my dog.
I’ll have to consult my cat.
I’ll have to consult my gerbil.
and…“I’ll wrap that advice up in some wonder tempura”
whitewolfe001 post #5
Equisis, it’s training comments. Basically very similar as what happened to you but there are several of them.
My horses are in very different ‘programs’ because they are very different beasties and I do what works for them individually. Certainly nothing out of the ordinary, abusive, or really all that exciting is going on.
For example, if I’m lunging a horse because it’s cold and windy and he’s fresh, someone might come over… “Oh, wow, someone is feeling good today! You know, you could try [Awful Suggestion #1], or [Pointless Excercise #2], or [Dangerous Idea #3”]. None of which I am going to do ever because Horsie is going to calm down in 5 minutes, this is why I’m lunging him before riding. His behaviour is normal. Yes, he feels good because he is young and healthy and fit. And I’m trapped there, I can’t just walk away. My actual response will be to mutter something like “mmm oh yeah maybe I’ll try that sometime” and then carry on concentrating on what I’m doing.
I know these types of people exist everywhere…
Being at a higher level competition barn, the unwanted advice one might receive tends to be things like, drugs/more expensive saddle/more expensive horse/injecting all the joints just because…
At this barn I’m at, the unwanted advice tends to be more like, have you tried Parelli/herbs/the horse psychic.
I’m at the point where, like you, I feel I have to say something to get them to back off, so I can preserve my sanity and be able to enjoy my time at the barn. That’s a good suggestion the way you phrased it.
whitewolf, I think you are boarding at a barn where I used to board !!! LOL I am so in sympathy with your situation.
I think a lot of the other posters are right about first identifying the motivation - misguided attempt to be social vs other motivations. I don’t normally have issues with other boarders, but as a boarder-for-life there is always a chance someone will be in a barn who is very difficult.
Are you by chance new at this barn? Barns with a strong culture and long-time boarders sometimes tend to classify all new boarders as Idiots. You can have 20+ years experience and 3 Olympic gold medals on your book, but in That Barn you are the Idiot Newbie until you buy in to their common beliefs. LOL
In my one really difficult case, the barn that was so like the one you describe absolutely started with an attempt to establish heirarchy and dominance. It was a small barn with a combination of older casual trail riders (who knew everything about everything, re horses) and serious competitive riders. I was a competitor, the first new one in some time. The established resident trail riders had to be sure I was slotted in correctly. LOL
I just turned the conversations telling me what to do to get them to talk about their own horses. Describing why they chose their methods with their horses, and how it worked out. Those are long stories and by then I was tacked up, ready to ride and terminate the conversation in a friendly way. They figure out gradually that I’m on my own program, or my trainer’s program, and it’s an unsatisfying waste of time to tell me what to do if I’m not drinking that brand of koolaid with them.
However, there was one older lady trail rider who had been there so long she was furniture. Very limited horse experience but a Parelli koolaid-drinker (I am not). She began stepping forward to grab and re-place the saddle blanket I just placed on my horse’s back, ‘helping me’ with that kind of thing. Clearly this was over the line. I said “you know, I’ll handle this” and used distance and timing to avoid these situations, but she continued, It was not a sustainable situation. I would have left right then had other boarding options been more immediately available.
Then she began actively stepping forward to grab my HORSE, either his halter or to push his hindquarters over, or something. He was a somewhat-hot TB in a new environment who began reacting with fear when she did this. She took this as a sign that I had no clue how to “train” him. She began creating dangerous - very dangerous - situations. I began saying nicely but very firmly “You must not do this, you MUST LET ME HANDLE IT.”
There is more I could tell, but suffice it to say that a meeting with the BM and this trail rider sorted things out re her physical interference. I calmly explained what was happening, and that this interference was 100% unacceptable. Then I politely and calmly handed over a one-page written & signed statement to the BM stating that I refused any liability for any harm that came to anyone else from touching / interfering with my horse. The trail rider objected strongly, as she said I had so clearly failed in my horse training. The BM was a model of professional, friendly and firm management of boarder relations. She assured me that this would be dealt with, sent me on my way for my ride, and after I was gone she read the riot act to the trail rider woman. (I learned from someone else close to the BM that this was not the first time a similar situation had happened with this boarder.)
And the BM did this in a way that kept both of us on as boarders. Trail rider did not have many other boarding options, either, so she was motivated to not get kicked out. BM had a limited market of boarders, so she was not keen to lose either one of us.
It was awkward for a time. But believe it or not, trail rider & I eventually mended fences and became great barn-friends. I was at that barn for 4 years (until moving away from that town) and trail rider is still there to this day, and occasionally we catch up. Although we had many and profound differences about aspects of horse handling and care, we found grounds for mutual respect - and avoided/ignored the rest! When my horse had a period of chronic health issues, this over-involved barn-friend became my second set of eyes. She loved having another horse to feel possessive about with the actual thankful permission of the real owner. She was the one who called to say “you need to get your horse to the clinic for colic right away” and thereby saved him from a probable surgery.
It wouldn’t have worked out so well with every case like that. But the BM handled it superbly and everyone was motivated to make it work.
Re ear buds … yes, that can stop unwanted communications. But it can also prevent establishing friendly relations with other boarders. Not responding to appropriate, friendly communications means people stop trying, and ear-bud-boarder will be isolated from the barn community. Of course if that’s what someone wants, no harm.
Have watched that happen. Someone who was trying to be a professional trainer actually lost several clients and potential clients due to the ear buds. The clients / prospective clients gave up trying to communicate with someone who ignored them and sought those services outside the barn.
It’s hard, because you know (or assume?) they’re coming from a nice place. But there is nothing more annoying than unsolicited “advice.”
My first horse was a two-year-old APHA paint filly who I decided to train for hunters - like USHJA hunters. I made the mistake (I was young :lol: ) of boarding her at an APHA/AQHA training barn. UGH. They could not leave me alone with their “suggestions” on how to train this filly once she was old enough to break. No, sorry, don’t want my mare’s face on the ground, thanks. Also don’t want to ride my horse with 10 rides on her in a Tom Thumb. Bye. I’d usually just “smile and nod” my way past the people, but eventually it just got very tiresome and I had to go to a different barn to maintain my sanity. (I’m definitely an introvert, so perhaps that played in factor in my weariness.)
All the suggestions above are great.
But, bottom line, as someone else suggested, it sounds like this particular barn is a bit more “social” (read: intrusive) than you enjoy, and you’d probably be much happier just moving to a new barn.
I’d be tempted to tell them I’m already working with a womderful ‘horse psychic’ and you’re following their recommended protocol :lol:
^^^ this
I’ve been reading through this thread, WAITING for someone to suggest, “Well, bless your heart”
And best of luck to you!
