How to tell your trainer you are leaving and boarding elsewhere? Hostile personality

[JLR1]

If there is one thing I have learned is never burn a bridge. As unlikely as it seems right now that you would ever want to board at this farm again, at least leave the option open.

I give my notice in writing, making sure to tell the BO how much I have enjoyed my stay at the farm and appreciate the care my horse has received. I then say I am moving to a ranch that is a better fit for me right now. If questioned insert a little lie about it being closer to home, more affordable, best friend is there etc. To avoid burning any bridges I always add that if this new barn isn’t such a good fit after all I hope to be able to return.

Generally, I leave within 2 weeks of giving my 30 day notice. Not because of any bad treatment from the BO, but because once I have made the decision to leave I want out ASAP. If you sense drama coming it’s better to leave early and pay the price of peace of mind.

[SnicklefritzG]

“If you sense drama coming it’s better to leave early and pay the price of peace of mind.”

+1

OP, your horses will thank you for this if it means they can be in an environment where there is less tension.

[Crockpot]

@Trakehner;8987810

… Be prepared to pay for the month’s board…but, you should get the benefit of the board you’ve paid (as in, any friends who board there who might like a friend’s horse there too…hey, it’s your stall for 30 days if you have to pay for it). No other horse should be going in your stall for that month. They don’t get it both ways.

OMG no. Bad advice.

[Crockpot]

still laughing…

[2DogsFarm]

Read what peedin said.
Re-read what peedin said.
Do as peedin suggests.

Paying board at 2 barns & avoiding Drama is going to be the best solution to a bad situation.

As for when/how to tell B-word “Pro” you are leaving:
Read what peedin said.

[gottagrey]

originally posted by Snowrider People have normalized so much bad behavior and overstepped boundaries in this industry, I admit I find it very odd.

So true. I don’t understand. Why do we, as boarders, continue to think its NORMAL to shell out twice as much $ for board for an empty stall because the barn owner is going to go all fruitbat on us. It’s ridiculous and as long as boarders pretty much continue to pay for that bad behavior/treatment it will continue to happen.

Why don’t we call them out on it. If you know that the BO/trainer has a history of throwing hissy fits over a boarder/client leaving and ask them to leave as soon as notice is given why hand them over a full month’s board - they’re going to ask you to leave? I’ve been very lucky as I’ve never been in this situation before - all my moves have been professional and I continue to maintain relationships with former.

[SnicklefritzG]

Here are a few reasons why I think people often put up with bad behavior from barn owners and trainers:

1. they have limited boarding options in their area. They pick a barn based on a few things they feel are important and hope they can put up with the rest. They stay until the trainer or barn owner makes cutbacks.

2. they choose a barn based not on the barn itself but by the training: either that there is a trainer there that they want to work with or the barn allows outside trainers

3. they are picking the barn with the least crazy and stay until it becomes as crazy as what’s left

[AlterMeh]

Moved twice last year.

First time was from the barn I thought I would be at forever. However, BM’s new boyfriend smoked. In the barn. In the aisle.

Gave it some time - maybe it wouldn’t last. Nope - he stayed. So I stopped going to the barn. Which made my husband furious, and me and my horse both miserable.

BM decided to buy her own place, and I moved with her, hopeful that maybe he wouldn’t be allowed to smoke at the new place. No such luck. There were no shelters (at that moment) in the turnouts, and my horse was dropping weight because all the other horses used him as the windbreak.

[QUOTE=Klhase14;8987406]
One thing I am struggling with is finding an appropriate time to tell her. I would like to do it in person and follow up with written notice. When she is around, she is so “busy” that it’s hard to get her alone. I wouldn’t feel right telling her in between her lessons or in front of one of her students. It’s none of their business and I would hate for her to think I’m trying to tarnish her reputation or something.[/QUOTE]

Went on a Saturday. By luck, timed it that she had just finished a lesson. Said that I didn’t feel comfortable at the barn any longer, and would be moving. No thanks - I borrowed a truck and trailer to move him today, here’s 30 days board in lieu of notice. BM was kind enough to provide 2 bags of feed to transition my horse, and helped me load him. It was very discreet, and low key - my horse was in turnout, so it wasn’t like I paraded him down the aisle.

I hadn’t moved my tack in (in the 4 months since the move to the new facility) because other boarders with multiple saddles had literally taken every square inch of space in the assigned tack room. Initially, I didn’t make a big deal about it because I wasn’t there that much, but it did hurt, because I was a very easy boarder, and I paid the same board as the person with 3 saddles… DH came with, ratchet strapped my small locker with all my grooming stuff still in it to a two-wheel dolly, rolled out and loaded it into my truck, and then backed up the borrowed truck and trailer to load the horse.

The part I regret is saying that I was moving to a friend’s property, when I was really moving back to original location. BM was very hurt when she arrived at original location 4 days later to give a lesson to the one boarder that didn’t leave, and saw my horse. :eek:

Former BM was rightly upset because I lied. It doesn’t matter that it was a white lie to avoid saying “I’m leaving because I don’t like Boyfriend smoking in the barn” - I was a chickenshit and handled it poorly.

It took us several months to start talking again. It turns out my horse dropped weight because he had fractured a tooth 18-20 months ago that wasn’t discovered at original barn or 2nd barn. My new vet (not the one that I initially kept from original barn) sedated and did a full, complete, open mouth with a speculum, dental exam at Current Barn, and pulled the third of it that was still hanging around…:mad: angry at the old-school vet who doesn’t believe in newfangled concepts like dentistry.

@JLR1;8988070

If there is one thing I have learned is never burn a bridge. As unlikely as it seems right now that you would ever want to board at this farm again, at least leave the option open.

I know that I could go back to original barn if I needed to.

The second barn I left because of trainer/BO drama. Talked to a friend who purchased a small (14 stall) boarding barn, made arrangements for her to come pick him up. Went to 2nd barn the morning of the move, told BM “I’m moving my horse today, in 30 minutes. Keep the rest of this month’s board.” The BM also owed my husband $400 for a flatbed trailer that DH had built for him several months prior. We didn’t pursue getting that money, and just called it even.

Texted Trainer and said “I’m moving today.” – she hadn’t bothered to schedule me for a lesson for 3 months at that point, despite repeated requests. Once - ok. Everyone forgets a request here and there. Twice - ummm, ok. Third time I’m blown off - done. Message received - I’m not important (read: showing) enough to be worth your time.

Saw BM at his new barn a few months later (after Trainer got him fired from original location and took over managing the barn herself, bless her heart ). Hugs all around, updates on my horse, whom BM said he had been still thinking about since we left, and why he wouldn’t put on weight. I told him about the tooth, and that it was nothing any of us were or were not doing - it was an element we weren’t even aware of, but was now taken care of, and Horse is doing great. Welcome to come by new barn anytime to visit.

TL;DR - offer 30 days’ notice, but be prepared to move that day. Be brief, polite, professional, and don’t burn bridges if you can avoid it - if, personalities/atmosphere aside, the care was sufficient, it may be good to keep lines of communication open in case of emergency.

[pfqh]

I gave my former fruitbat trainer a 30 day notice and told her where I was moving to. She called them! Fortunately they were familiar with her and what she said made no difference. I confronted her about it and her response was that she had to give permission for me to move to the new trainer! I did stay the 30 days though as I had others watching my horse for me to be sure nothing bad happened. Last I heard fruitbat is now out of business, and I’m still with the new trainer and very happy.

[mvp]

[QUOTE=JLR1;8988070]
I then say I am moving to a ranch that is a better fit for me right now. If questioned insert a little lie about it being closer to home, more affordable, best friend is there etc. [/QUOTE]

Yanno, the euphemisms like “It’s a better fit” (like "It’s not you, it’s me) and the Little White Lie… CEASE TO WORK WHEN YOU REVEAL YOUR INTENT ON THE INTERWEBZ!

Honest to God, the next BO who here’s an unhappy boarder leave with a cheery “It’s a better fit!” is going to feel glad-handed. I think that if you lied to me once, I might not want to do business with you again. Bridge burned. You have to have honesty and kindness in your business relationships. You can have both, but you have to be willing to have an adult, fair conversation.

[Raine]

I think Peedin pretty much nailed it. The only tweaks I would make are to 1) in a low-key way, go ahead and take home extraneous stuff and gather/organize what you keep at the barn to facilitate a low-stress exit if you need to leave before 30 days; and 2) add a “thank you for taking such excellent care of Dobbin” or similar to your notice letter - anything nice that you can say sincerely.

Unless you are convinced that BO is going to legit flip out, I would not go the route of taking all your stuff ahead of giving notice. That would be incredibly insulting to the BO assuming she is only “normal horse person crazy” as it’s bound to be noticed. And awkward to need to bring things back if you end up staying the 30 days. I think someone upthread asked if you have observed how things went when other boarders gave notice. Unless you saw something really awful, just assume it will be somewhat awkward and that Dobbin will be fine. If it’s too miserable, move early. Good luck!!

[Halt_Near_X]

[QUOTE=mvp;8988344]
You can have both, but you have to be willing to have an adult, fair conversation.[/QUOTE]

It takes two to have an adult, fair conversation.

The boarder has to trust that they can go to the barn owner and say “Hey, I’m leaving because X” and not worry that the barn owner is going to take it personally, become angry, berate or belittle them for wanting X, take their emotions out on the horse and/or boarder over the remaining time at the barn, kick the boarder out of the barn immediately, trash talk the boarder to others in the community, or any of the other myriad things that really do happen when people give notice.

Barn owners who are professional probably do get those adult, fair conversations. If they don’t, the odds are it’s because the boarder has been burned in the past and is afraid of getting burned again–i.e. it is a reflection on the large number of unprofessional barn owners in the industry and not the specific barn owner.

For the record, I’ve been honest with every barn owner I boarded with, except the one where lawyers were involved. But if I were not 100% sure of their reaction? I’d use the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. And if a barn owner wanted to take that personally and blacklist me instead of recognizing it a product of the state of the industry in general? It would more or less confirm that I was right in doing what I did, because there’s no way a barn owner that would go to that degree of backlash would be capable of having an open or honest conversation in the first place.

[findeight]

Thinking back on boarding since 1970 or so, maybe 20-30 places, lost count, private and commercial, long term, short term…I only had serious issues after giving 30 days notice twice. Both times were right after giving notice and both times I was paid up until the end of current month and told to get out now, no problem, had the other place lined up. Did forfeit most of the current month days already paid but no demand was made for additional days past end of current month. Recall getting one demand for payment of additional charges for “damage”, nothing in contract discussed that and tore it up.

I don’t think there is quite as much drama with this as one might expect reading on here in most decent, professionally run barns. But always took the precaution of taking things home before giving notice…just in case. That makes for an easier moving day too.

But I was always just a single horse owner, modestly successful in the show ring, lower rung on the client ladder most places. They never missed me when I left.

IMO there are signs that there might be a problem, the way others are treated when they leave for example, bad mouthing former boarders, gossiping about other current clients. High school mean girl crap. Both places that tossed me on giving notice were like that…I stayed too long hoping it would change. Never does.

Then poorly run lower end barns that would never have any boarders if they weren’t the cheapest place in town. Those feel they can do as they please, and they are pretty much right.

Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. And get a CONTRACT signed.

[mvp]

[QUOTE=Crockpot;8988176]
OMG no. Bad advice.[/QUOTE]

Nota bene: The bad advice here was Trakehner’s suggestion that if you pay your 30 days when you give notice, you stay and get what you paid for.

People! The industry goes as well or as badly as it’s paying customers insist. Every time you don’t hold a vendor (here, a BO) to the terms of service for which you have paid, you contribute to getting screwed over.

Stop it. Everyone needs to behave like an adult. If the guy across the table from you bails on that requirement, you need to step up, be the adult and enforce it.

I’m sure in a minute someone will come with a Yabbut about how their horse hangs in the balance and they are not a victim (of the BO), but an Adult and do what it takes to hold them to the terms of your contract.

That said, don’t make agreements with dishonest babies.

Gotta say, in the 30 years I have been a boarder, I have never had to lose some board when leaving. I think I am a good judge of character when I choose people with whom to do business, such that I don’t get surprised by care that get suddenly so bad that I have to leave. But I also don’t do drama. I don’t dose it out; I don’t tolerate it; I don’t choose horse pros who do it. So I can’t figure out why these threads about people who sneak out or avoid any hint of confrontation exist.

Sorry to get riled up. But every time another HO is too thin-skinned and (frankly, insults the BO by assuming that she won’t be a professional and honor the boarding agreement with a good last 30 days), you make it harder for people like me who want horse boarding to remain a regular, Adult-like business.

[snowrider]

People create drama on this board that doesn’t exist in real life. I have never, in my 35 years of riding, heard of a horse being harmed after someone gave notice. Yes there are crazies out there but it’s not every single barn like coth would have you believe.

[Crockpot]

“Nota bene: The bad advice here was Trakehner’s suggestion that if you pay your 30 days when you give notice, you stay and get what you paid for”

That is not what I was referring to. ??

But on that issue I can’t believe there are as many bad bos as coth seems to suggest. When i was board ing over decades never once had a problem being treated badly after giving notice and in the last 15 years since boarding horses have never given any one a hard time for leaving. All very civil and care does not change. Boarders come and go for different reasons. It is the nature of the business. Sometimes people even come back .Bridge burning goes both ways

[Crockpot]

ETA this is the bad advice bit :
(as in, any friends who board there who might like a friend’s horse there too…hey, it’s your stall for 30 days if you have to pay for it). No other horse should be going in your stall for that month. They don’t get it both ways"

If you choose to pay for 30 days but choose to leave. , no the stall , no you cannot do this.
"

[Crockpot]

ETA this is the bad advice bit :

quote: (as in, any friends who board there who might like a friend’s horse there too…hey, it’s your stall for 30 days if you have to pay for it). No other horse should be going in your stall for that month. They don’t get it both ways"

If you pay for 30 days but choose to leave before then , no,you cannot allow other friends to use the stall or prevent the barn owner from filling the stall.

[Halt_Near_X]

[QUOTE=snowrider;8988430]
People create drama on this board that doesn’t exist in real life. I have never, in my 35 years of riding, heard of a horse being harmed after someone gave notice. Yes there are crazies out there but it’s not every single barn like coth would have you believe.[/QUOTE]

The crazy doesn’t necessarily come out as harm to the horse. Even so, I agree it isn’t all barns. It isn’t even most barns. But it’s also not some tiny percentage of barns. Craziness happens.

And in the case of this particular thread, the OP started out by saying the BO is prone to temper tantrums. I’m sure that’s coloring some peoples’ advice in this case.

It’s not just generic COTH overreaction (and I agree that’s a thing, too, and I’ve fallen into it my fair share of times). The OP is saying her barn owner does not act like an adult. Even if the barn owner wouldn’t hurt the OP’s horse (and it doesn’t sound like that’s a concern in this case, really), if they are as touchy as the OP says, the 30 days will be miserable for the OP. Especially if the OP tells the truth and lets the BO know that it’s the BO’s personality/temper tantrums that are contributing to her leaving.

It’s really great for people to say the OP should tell the truth and stick it out for the good of the industry, but since the people recommending that aren’t the ones who would have to deal with the BO’s reaction to that…

No one needs to make themselves a deliberate target for bad behavior just to prove a point about the industry in general.

[snowrider]

I can honestly say that no one over the age of 6 has ever had a “temper tantrum” around me for more than 30 seconds. The OP can walk away, she can tell the BO to shut up and grow up or she can eat $500-800 I guess to avoid some minor awkwardness that may or may not actually happen. No way I’d gift that to someone! That is my money and you don’t get it for being petulant.