…and yet you continue to fund the time suck? There must be something and someplace else that could work and let you let go.
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I used to work crazy hours, which made it hard to find time to drive my ponies. Luckily my husband did all their care, otherwise I never would have been able to drive them. In desperation, I started driving at night. I stayed in the back acreage at my house and the next two houses, where I had permission to drive. That way I didn’t have to worry about lights on the pony or cart. I had a lot of fun with it. It sure was different driving my light gray grade pony versus my bay Hackney pony. Sometimes with the Hackney, I’d have a hard time seeing him, while the grade pony seemed to generate his own light.
I’ve gotta say, the Hackney was pretty resistant at first, being a wimp, but we did it anyway and he got comfortable with it. The grade pony seemed to like it.
So yes, ride at night! Great suggestion!
Rebecca
ETA I’m sorry to see it isn’t possible for the OP. I wouldn’t have commented if I’d seen her response first.
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I’ll third or fourth that too. D3 changed a lot of things for me and I feel so much better. I’ve also had depression w/meds in the past. That got resolved through dealing with some emotional stuff and haven’t been on them for 4 years now. But if your blood work is all OK, it’s certainly worth trying medication to get to a point where you have the energy to make reconsider your priorities in a non-exhausted state.
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I think I would try to break things down one issue at a time and tackle them individually. It’s way too overwhelming otherwise. Jot down thoughts or ideas as they come to you so you don’t walk around with a bunch of jumbled thoughts going through your head.
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You: You need to make yourself, your health and your relationship with SO a priority. Only you know what you need to make that happen in your life. See your doctor, discuss if a medication is right for you, eat well, get rest and do some relaxing things for yourself such as a walk, putzing with a garden, meditation, whatever works. Get out of your head and out of the barn.
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Your older horse/retiree: best thing I ever did was to ‘stop’ with my retiree. I decided I would do basic wellness care (vaccines, dewormer, regular trims) but to stop all the fussing and “trying to make him comfortable”. I found a pasture board situation for him as his needs and the needs of my younger riding horse are very different. The same place did not suit both of them. If your horse cannot be comfortable just being with minimal care, maybe that is something you need to consider. We can’t keep them going forever and despite varying issues they have, try as we might.
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Younger horse: I would board him at a place you can ride and spend more quality time with him. Also somewhere where you can have a supportive group of barnmates that help bring a bit of social to horse life. The current situation he’s in doesn’t seem to allow you sufficient riding time which is a lot of the joy in having horses. Move him to a different situation so you can grow together. I would avoid self care or any kind of coop situation too so you are not bogged down with the daily work as much.
You need to go easier on yourself or you will continue to make yourself more stressed out. When we are stressed/depressed/anxious, we do not have room for positive energy in our brains. Who cares if certain things do or don’t get done that are of no consequence. We hold onto too much in ife, thinking we should control all these various aspects of our lives or our horses. There is freedom in letting go.
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OP, my husband was finally diagnosed w ADHD in his 40s, about ten years ago. His ADHD med has been nothing short of life changing, for both of us. He has, at times, also been on Wellbutrin, which helps alleviate anxiety and goes well with his ADHD med.
Finally, he recently started sessions with an ADHD coach, who’s helped tremendously with helping him redefine and evaluate different work related challenges. Money well spent.
His path isn’t your path. Just letting you know that his life changed very dramatically for the better when he started truly addressing the ADHD, medically and otherwise.
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You’ve gotten a lot of really good advice here already, especially on the health side, but one thing I’ll echo–life involves compromise. It sounds like right now, you are compromising your health, well-being, relationship with your family, and ability to enjoy riding, so that you do not have to compromise your preferences for your horses’ turnout, feed, and farrier. Is that genuinely the choice that best supports your long-term health and engagement with your horses?
As horse owners, we’re conditioned to believe that we have to sacrifice ourselves for our horses. Sometimes it’s unavoidable. But it’s also okay to realize that the situation you’re in is unsustainable, and decide that the pendulum needs to swing back the other direction. People have given you some excellent suggestions about changes to consider. Your horses will be fine if the turnout arrangements are only 60% of the way to your standard, not 100%.
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Yes, they will adjust easily. It’s fine to be “picky” when it comes to your horses’ health and wellbeing, but I think you might be surprised at how well they can adapt to minor (to them) changes.
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Upthread you have some great advise given to you. I would add that when you get your blood work done, also get your hormones checked. I don’t know your age, but getting your; Estradiol, Anti-Mullerian Hormone, FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) check is also important. I am in my late 40’s talked with my GP about feeling tired all the time and that I wanted to see if I was peri, and she shrugged me off and said I was too young (!!!). I had to find a specialist via North Amercian Menopause Society. Guess what??? I am in peri and one of the four values above was off the charts. My ovaries don’t work anymore, so now I am on drugs.
A gentle reminder that when you start ADHD meds, it can take a bit to see a result and you may have to try a few to get the right combination with your brain chemistry.
Be kind to yourself.
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I don’t much care for doctors either OP. But it’s one of those things that needs to be done ya know. I’ll add that in addition to Vit D, that a B complex vitamin can give me a boost during rough patches.
Remind yourself, it won’t always be this way.
I’ll throw my support in for needing the 3 Fs for my horses. I’m sure lots of horses do fine with different arrangements. My homebred is not one of them. He barely kept his brain in his skull during July and August when I had to stall him during the day to keep him from dying of heatstroke. Anyways, I get it that there can be some situations where you need certain arrangements with no room to compromise.
On the other hand, sometimes we have to sacrifice now to have a better future. Very first world, but I gave up lessons and showing in order to prioritize buying a wee farm. For me and mine, it’s been worth it. This year, I’ve basically given up everything but work for $. My point is, can you find something to give up for “the greater good”?
Best wishes! Remember, it won’t always be this way!
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THIS!
Many get stuck in the trap of thinking that they are the only person that can possibly take care of X ( the horse, the dog, the human).
We think it is about taking best care of something, but we are lying to ourselves if we don’t admit that this is at least partially about control. We feel out of control in so many ways and fixate on something we feel we CAN control and hyperfixate on it.
The reality is that when we let go, the world keeps turning and things are mostly OK. And we realize that things were only mostly OK before ( because that’s life).
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OP, I feel this! I feel so much the same way but honestly I think you are doing better than me. You have a lot going on.
My daughter is in vitamin D and iron for being deficient. The presented as tiredness. I had my blood work a few years ago and nothing showed… Thinking about getting it done again or even just trying a little bit of vitamin D on my own. A sleep study wouldn’t be bad.
I often get in the trap of having to ALWAYS do everything to the best standards, especially with my horse. So I understand that completely.
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Thanks everyone for the insight and advice - it’s given me a lot to mull over.
My retiree really does need the 24/7 turnout and some other things - I’ve handled him in all sorts of arrangements and these are his requirements. One of mine cribs, which means very few barns here will take us. Even with a collar. I’m sure there’s somewhere that would work! But it is limiting. The greenie might do just fine on stall board with turnout - he loves food and stall naps! That said, he’s a pig in the stall (so is the retiree) and I’ve done the “pay for the extra labor and shavings and never get either” song and dance before. Suffice to say I’m definitely a control freak, but some of it is justified 
I rode the greenie today, and it was really nice. Good weather, horse was perfect despite doing nothing for almost two weeks, etc. Once I’m actually at the barn and start doing things, I’m usually happy I went. It’s the getting there, the constant background stress, etc that gets me. I think a lot of it is mental issues - I’m ordering some vitamins as we speak to start.
I’m also going to see where I can streamline my routine - I may switch back to smartpaks instead of DIY supp cups (auto ship to the barn is awesome), reorganize my space to make finding things easier, and look into a major declutter/clean the house weekend to start fresh. I know the SO would appreciate the last one
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I don’t remember who above said “ I get to do…” . That is something I use, too. It sounds like you have a plan…great start!
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Hi you, it’s me, we are the same.
You do all the work and more for what I’m doing at my own farm that I own and love. You need to have an honest conversation with yourself about your retiree. Are you doing it out of a sense of necessity or obligation? Is it best for him and you?
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When I was working (retired now but still working as I own a farm), I would get frustrated w my job and start looking for something else. THAT is how I would realize I had a pretty great situation, even if it wasn’t perfect. To me, it appears you’ve done a very good job of evaluating your situation to come to a good decision for you and your ponies.
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I am sorry this happened to you. I would be singing a solo of unmentionable lyrics to the stars, or clouds, while out there doing unpaid construction at 1:00 am if that happened to me. Lyrics I would hope my neighbors (and any cruising cops) had not heard when I finally crawled back indoors.
But thank you for giving me a laugh with the dogs’ “singalong.” 
May I adapt that phrase for my neighbor next time my cat breaks into a solo at the crack of dawn?
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Lol yes you may. They thought it was big fun telling on the horses who we only allow in the yard rarely lol
And yes a solo of unmentionable lyrics was exactly what I was singing, ugh
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Well, I think I’m probably laughing through my tears, but we had a command performance last night of the dog sing-along accompanied by the loose horses in the yard at 2:30 in the morning. So got that fixed and hopefully when husband comes home from the road in a couple of days we can go out there and get another board and maybe some bolts and bolt that top Dumbass dumbass board through the post so they will stop pushing it out. I think I know who is doing it I have really mischievous colt. . But we need to nip that in the bud. Their nightly wanderings are getting old quickly. Oh yeah and I’m
Tired.
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Yes, those can be difficult to deal with 
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I FELT this. The double dumbass 
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