Interesting. She is not an easy fit, and I’m sure my saddle isn’t perfect, but I did work with a fitter to find it.
Thank you @SLW. I should probably just put myself in positions to ride other horses to see if something might land in my lap. I know that when I am deliberately horse hunting everything seems too far away, too good to be true, too green, too expensive, etc. 
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Good plan! Different discipline/situation, but I bought myself an absolutely stunning specimen, bred up the wazoo, and wildly talented for my discipline. Unfortunately, our personalities just never clicked. On paper we accomplished stuff, but his quirk scared me and I never felt like he was my partner. It took me a lot to face walking away from all the hopes and dreams I had for us. I horse shopped for a year, all over the world, and came up empty. Then I sat on one nearby that was, on paper, spookier, quirkier, and more difficult to ride than the one I sold. But it was love, and we clicked. I feel safe on him, and not only am I accomplishing things on paper again, but I love riding him.
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Keep putting the word out about what you are looking for. With luck, maybe the horse will find you. 
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I agree.
I also am delighted to see that one person besides me knows that the word is “trouper,” not “trooper.”
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No. No, it’s not.
It might be tough to find people to go out and work on an issue that’s yours alone, but it SHOULDN’T be a thing to have group members change the plan because a horse, or a rider, or both, is having a hard time.
Seriously, I’ve changed up my ride for a stranger, and don’t think that’s unusual. You never know what you might run into out on the trail.
“Friends” running away from your horse that’s freaking out and leaving you to dismount & walk back to the barn is wild. That your TRAINER was part of this group is…I don’t even know. Terrible.
That’s NOT cool. It’s shitty. And you shouldn’t just shrug and accept it.
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Agree. To me that is wild and would be totally unacceptable here. Heck, we don’t even trot if everyone isn’t interested and comfortable doing it! And if a horse couldn’t cross a water or bridge, or whatever obstacle, the whole group detours … I’ve never left someone to walk home alone. Heck, I’ve never even heard of someone here having to walk home alone … maybe the closest to it might be a loop back because someone was on a time constraint and was only able to join for a portion of the trail ride.
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Yes, in fact, it can be hard to find trail riders who will change their agenda on the trail. Even who will keep their promise to go at an introductory pace for greenie horses and/or riders. Not everyone has the same experience that you have had.
Not all trail riders are trustworthy. Riders who are new to trail riding need to be very, very careful of who they go with for the first time. Until they themselves are ‘experienced’ and they are confident of their horse.
Especially avoiding groups, and don’t even think about larger groups. Some of the trail riders who act the nicest can be positively lethal in their behavior if one of the other horses is having problems. They can be a PITA even if there are no problems, creating problems by doing dumb stuff that sets other horses off.
I would not ride out with other riders unless I already know absolutely that they respect the needs of everyone in the group – and not from their own promises which can be worthless, but from my experience with them, and the experience of others. At this point, that means that there are very few groups that I would ride with.
Seasoned trail riders – some, not all – can have a bad case of get-there-itis. They can be like highway drivers who don’t slow down for conditions, because they are already in a mental zone that they don’t want to break. I’ve experienced far more like that, than reasonable and responsible riders who act in the best interests of the entire group.
I’ve been through deteriorating situations where some of the more experienced riders just could not see why they had to slow down for one anxious horse (not mine) – even when they had promised to be accommodating.
Why they could not go tearing up the hill while the OTTB mare – that they had invited to join! – was already jigging three feet off the ground for a quarter-mile. Griping about why they had to be patient when the mare’s rider needed to circle for a bit, instead of being encouraging and coaching. Nope, their usual trail brain had set in. One was about to go galloping past the flaky jiggy mare, I thought I was going to have to grab her bridle to stop her. She did not get why that was a bad idea, how real harm could result. Maybe she really didn’t know much, she only rode her own bomb proof horse.
Or the planned intro ride for 4 new trail riders on trail-green horses, with two veterans to show the way. (Wasn’t there, heard about it later). The veteran supposed-guides stayed at a trot although the intro riders were anxious about the pace. And then the veterans rode off and left one rider alone at an obstacle that had to be crossed, with a horse not understanding what to do – and the rider not understanding, either. They just left him there, alone with an increasingly anxious horse. That became the end of his ride when he finally dismounted and led his horse back the way he had come.
Yet another occasion, two fellow boarders invited me and my first-time-on-trail OTTB to join them for a short-ish simple trail ride on the farm. They suggested this would be a nice quiet intro for the OTTB. In the middle of the ride through a large field, at the far end of the field, my horse and I needed to do some big circles to better calibrate some calm brain. The other two riders turned and walked away back to the barn, talking to each other. Never even looked back. I didn’t dare call out loudly to them to wait. Got the horse back to the barn eventually, in good order, fortunately, he wasn’t a complete lunatic. Reminded them about some simple realities. They looked astonished that they couldn’t follow any whim of their own without affecting other horses. Maybe they really didn’t know, although they claimed to be greatly knowledgeable about horses.
If a long-time endurance rider offers to introduce you to trail riding, don’t go. Endurance riding is essentially very-long-distance racing. In my experience, those riders no longer know what ‘intro’ is. They don’t know what slow is. They don’t know which obstacles are too big of an ask for a beginner trail rider/horse. They have lost their memory of newbie riding. Unless other newbies who have been intro’d with them will vouch for them, don’t even think about it.
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I missed some of the replies in the middle of the thread, but has anyone mentioned the horse’s diet? Some horses are more reactive if their diet is too high in protein or sugar. My now-retired horse was unrideable on alfalfa, for example. Maybe play around with the feed to find a good balance that doesn’t make her reactive.
As long time endurance rider, I find this completely the opposite. I do the majority of my conditioning at a walk and trot and I do a lot of walk only rides. I prefer to ride with endurance riders because they understand etiquette and training far better than the average weekend yahoo.
Edited to add that I’m sorry you had a bad experience with an endurance rider but I hope you don’t let one give us all a bad rap. If you’re in the Mid-Atlantic, come out for a ride with me and I promise it won’t go like that
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This is, IMO, a common problem among riders in general. To me, many posts offering advice here on COTH in all the forums seem to be written by people who have no concept of what it’s like to be a rider of low-to-middling ability who is timid, lacks confidence, or has a problem with fear and anxiety due to past falls. Even when the initial poster accurately describes their situation and limitations, these people offer entirely inappropriate advice because it’s what they are capable of doing and would do.
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Maybe unless you are a riding instructor or professional colt starter.
Then is second nature to be situationally aware and always keep everyone in sight and prevent bad situations before any mayhem starts.
My guess would be, beginners around beginners is where those oversights, like not noticing or caring other’s horses are about to act up, is where troubles happens, then horses or riders are overfaced and stressed.
One time, I was 16 and learning from an old retired military cavalry officer that always put horses first.
He started 15 feral horses in June with me as the test pilot and practically all came along great.
We were participating with two of those in a parade in September.
Mine was four, the other was five and a client of the riding center was riding her.
Owner of the riding center and his brother were carrying flag and in front, we were right there and I could see the lady’s horse getting tense and high headed and about to have a fit and told her to pay attention to the horse!
She was skilled and did get her settled nicely.
Later she was laughing and told me, nothing like being told off by a kid.
I had been teaching beginners by then for a year and maybe becoming too big for my breeches.
This story to say, it takes all, someone seeing the situation, everyone helping keep things on an even keel and the grace to listen to advice. 
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A lot of people have said this but i’ll echo it- if it’s not fun anymore you might need a change. I had a horse that just did not work for me at all. I moved him on and leased for a while, and eventually found my dream horse. Riding was/is fun again after I moved him on. It’s just not worth it if it’s not fun most-of-the-time, imo.
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True, even in our riding instructor program, the instructor in charge would assign horses to train that would be suitable for each one of us to learn from.
If a horse was not suitable, our skills not up to more horse or more advanced performance, it would have defeated the purpose and be unfair for both, rider and horse.
If OP’s horse is not quite suitable, and she has tried very long and hard at it, and is still causing OP anxiety, how is the horse feeling about this situation?
Maybe would be best for both to find another horse and another owner, hopefully a better fit for everyone?
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Not in my experience. Most riders simply don’t pay enough attention to their own horse to avert issues, let alone notice anyone else’s horse. I was a nose to tail trail ride guide as a teen, so it’s an automatic thing for me to be aware of what’s going on with the other horses in the group, and slow things down if necessary. I have ridden with very few people who have anything remotely similar to that awareness.
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My experience – I’ve been around many learners and beginners – is that this is the opposite.
The other beginner/lower-skills knows how distressed and uncertain is the feeling of the beginner/lower-skills having troubles. They know that feeling well. They just have no idea what to suggest, what to do about it.
It’s the experienced riders who have forgotten what that is like. Their skills have become so innate, they don’t realize that beginners, and lower-skill riders, can’t even perform what they are suggesting. Have no idea how to react.
It’s the experienced riders who over-assume the skills of everyone on the ride. Who can no longer conceive of just how unskilled, how untaught, other riders and/or horses might be.
Calming an agitated horse is all about timing, as well as skills. Loosening the rein in one instant, applying some contact in another, instantly in response to the action of the horse. It’s also about following through – if you are turning left and the horse doesn’t turn, don’t just let go of the left rein and hope the horse turns anyway.
Beginners/low-skill riders don’t tend to have the timing, at all. Even if they know what to do, they need more brain time to process the situation. And when they do react it may be incorrectly and inadequately. That leaves the horse even more confused and uneasy. The beginner/low-skills rider can make the situation worse. Until they have a chance to acquire these techniques.
A counselor once told me that people under stress usually can’t learn something new in that moment. They have to learn it when they are calm and the situation isn’t immediate.
When beginners / low-skill riders are over their head with a horse, anywhere and especially on a trail, they are often stressed, anxious and afraid. As they feel they are losing control of this large reactive animal that they are sitting on, their anxiety and stress can skyrocket quickly. Sometimes even to the point of trauma that stays with them later.
In that instant they can’t learn the skills that everyone is shouting at them. Sometimes they don’t even understand the terms being told to them. And often more than one expert is speaking at once, maybe with contradictory advice.
This is what makes some experienced riders impatient, when the rider in increasing trouble doesn’t respond as the experienced rider wants them to. That’s when the situation really begins to go downhill. Can become dangerous, depending.
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Spacial awareness and riding in groups of different skills is something a LOT of people aren’t good at. Ever been in a warmup ring? Chaos. I know that I can keep a lid on my horse, I know the “rules”, but half the time in there is spent trying to predict what someone else is about to do.
I grew up riding in large group lessons and taught horse camp with dead beginners, so boy howdy I can see a train wreck coming a mile away.
Absolutely!!
It always blows my mind when a rider is having trouble and everyone and their mother wants to start yelling instructions. Usually conflicting and over each other. The rider can’t process that on a normal day, let alone while trying to diffuse a situation. If just one voice was being used, there’s a chance that “sit up and circle!” would be heard.
Beginners that know they’re beginners are usually pretty conscious of others because they’re not yet comfortable. Low-skilled riders who think they’re hot stuff, much less so. And higher skilled riders who haven’t had to think of anything but their own horses in ages, even less so.
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Totally! I boarded my two horses at a lesson barn for a while. Having two meant that I had to ride one around the evening lessons - which was basically an exercise ride as I watched where the lesson riders were going and kept out of the way. The most dangerous riders were the beginners who were just becoming aware of the ring courtesy rules (left to left, etc) and would suddenly change their direction as they saw me coming, often directly into my path. They were just trying to follow the rules, but were inconsistent enough to be unpredictable.
My horse actually plowed into a small pony once, turning the pony 180°. Fortunately slowly enough for the child to stay put in the saddle.
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I think a lot also stems from “it’s just a trail ride” and “it’s just a trail horse” like there’s no skills or training involved in trail riding, that everyone should just get on and go and that’s all there is to it. I get told a lot that I’m “lucky” about how well behaved my trail horses are and that drives me crazy. I’m not lucky, I spend literally YEARS building my personal trail horses
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I’m right there with you. This is one of my biggest pet peeves!
Trail riding is hard. Yet it gets dismissed as something easy that people do for funsies.
Riding a herd/prey animal in a new location and expecting them not to react is tough. Riding over varied terrain is tough. Riding in the open is tough. Riding with a group of horses when you can’t predict how other horses and riders will behave is tough.
Yet so many people view trail riding as something appropriate for beginners and green/lame horses.
I don’t get to trail ride all that much anymore, but a few months ago I was on a large group trail ride with 40+ riders of varying ability. Even splitting us off into smaller groups, it was borderline chaos at times. I think the biggest problem was that a good chunk of the riders couldn’t appreciate what a big ask an event like that was for the horses.
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