[QUOTE=lidador;8672599]
I’m not a parent, so can’t give better advice on handling the disrespect than has already been given by others, but want to isolate this part of your post to emphasize that she is asking to work harder than her current instructors work her. It sounds like she has outgrown her current instructors, even if they are continuing to give valid advice. As an analogy, I teach at a university and while the advice I give my “C” students applies equally well to the “A” students, that particular type of advice isn’t really what the “A” students truly need to better master the material.
The behavior you describe reminds me of the stereotypical “rowdy but gifted kid” who acts out in class and doesn’t do his work because he isn’t being challenged enough.
I will admit, of course, that I am seeing this through my own biases, as I was always TOO “respectful of authority” in my youth to let it be known when I wasn’t getting enough out of my instruction, and as an adult have realized how detrimental this was. I have never, as an adult, regretted following my gut and moving on when I thought I wasn’t getting enough out of lessons.[/QUOTE]
As a child and a teen, I was quite talented in arts and literature, and in a world where there was absolutely no meaningful education or feedback or mentoring other than “wonderful, darling.” I found it frustrating, although since no one was trying to teach me anything at all (high school was a joke), there was no one to get pissy with. When I grew up, I found out how to develop and professionalize, but this took a lot of individual effort. I also realized how bad most instruction in almost everything is. Also, that instruction is only part of the equation; we aren’t taught things, we learn them, and not always formally.
We didn’t have riding lessons at all as kids, so I can’t comment on that specifically.
I say this to sympathize a bit with a kid who feels she is being held back by mediocre instruction. From the OP I can’t really tell what the situation is here, how advanced daughter is, how unsatisfactory she finds her instructors.
I agree that she needs to learn how to behave respectfully to people around her, but she also needs a chance to articulate what she finds frustrating, and to think through how she can meet her goals, either within this framework or another.
If she is grounded, one thing she can spend her time doing is writing down what she finds frustrating about her lessons and instructors, and then exploring what she can do about it.
As a teen, as an adult too, it can be very hard to separate out when we are reacting from our weaknesses, and when we are reacting from our strengths.
An example of reacting from weakness: we are frustrated because we didn’t think the instructor gave us enough praise, or because she praised another kid who has less ability, but who needed a bit of a boost. Here, gaining strength means gaining enough confidence in our own basic ability that we are able to be generous towards others, and also not needing constant reinforcement.
Reacting from strength, though, might mean that we see that we are not being allowed to expand our own abilities. It might mean that we think the instructor is teaching something wrong, or in contradiction to what we have already learned. It might mean that we truly are in advance of the rest of the group, and we really are spinning our tires.
If tween wants to go on and become competitive, she needs to learn both diplomacy, and enough true self-confidence that she is not irritated or upset or hurt by the ups and downs of praise and working in a group. But at the same time, she needs to be able to define what she needs to accomplish in order to achieve her goal, and to have some say in how she gets there.
What are her goals, and how does she feel she isn’t able to meet them in her lessons? Is she in a group lesson where exercises are kept too low for her level? Does she misunderstand the purpose of exercises, for instance the importance of flat work between jumps? Etc.
Have her write a list of all the things she finds frustrating and the things she finds useful in her lessons, and then a list of goals and whether she can find a way to meet them in her current situation. If she can’t, what does she need to meet them? She doesn’t have to show you her rough draft of this, but rather her ideas for moving forward.
Then you and her have a discussion, and if it seems productive, the three of you with her instructor (the one she likes). If tween wants to max out her competitive potential, what kind of time line does she need to be on? Does she need to be jumping a certain height by next year? If so, what are the steps to get there? Does she need to do more flat work, more jumps, more longe lessons, what? Where are the gaps in her riding? At what point will she truly outgrow these instructors and need to move on? What will she need to move on, and to be in a barn where she is smallest, youngest, least skilled, instead of a barn star? Can you send her to some clinics that might push her?
In other words, treat her as much as possible as you would an adult in this situation. Have her identify her goals, and discuss how to reach them in a realistic way. She might need more guidance in this process than an adult would, but it will help her think about her behavior and help the adults around her understand what she needs.
