One of my children identifies as Queer. She has helped me understand that most prejudice is unconscious and related to the social norms we grew up with. Since my adolescence I have had good friends who were not heterosexual, and yet I still catch myself saying things that cause pain even though I didn’t mean to. Often I don’t even realise the implications until they are gently (or not!) pointed out to me despite trying incredibly hard, reading lots and discussing issues as honestly as possible.
Those of us who are straight and white cannot really understand the fear that continues to affect people from different visible or invisible minorities. Imagine being assaulted and badly beaten for walking down the street holding hands with someone you love! This happened to a young woman I know in Vancouver 2 years ago at 8;30 PM in the entertainment district. She was hospitalised for 10 days. We often read about gays being attacked (“gay bashing” is still a thing) and I’m sure those that are reported are the tip of the iceberg. Imagine being the mother of a young black man having to teach how to be safe doing things we don’t think twice about.
OP- I applaud your courage in bringing your question here for discussion. It is condescending to say “relax, everything will be fine”, but I hope you and your partner will be able to enjoy your equestrian journey in a relaxed and friendly environment.
Great post, demidq!
I started my post identifying myself as a white cis/het woman because I thought it important to state that I don’t know what it’s like navigating as an LGBTQ+ person, my perspective is entirely from the other side.
I can’t walk a mile in @Omnia’s shoes; I just don’t have those shoes.
In re-reading my post though, I don’t think I minimized the LGBTQ+ experience, the micro aggressions and the macro aggressions. I do know they exist, anyone who ever pays attention to the news knows they exist, but I’ll stand by my statement that barns and horse people tend to be a lot more tolerant and accepting than society at large.
I do think the posts that went into detail about how much PDA the posters were comfortable with were an odd response to the OP.
@Omnia, I hope that in the future, you get to be you full and authentic self at the barn, that your partner is welcomed and enjoys the experience, and if not, you find a barn where that is the case. And I hope you post back and tell us about it.
Talk this out with your girlfriend, too. How long has she been out and how has she handled situations like this? Does she want to be introduced as “just a friend” or would she rather be open and have everyone know you’re a couple?
As far as the trainer’s sister’s trump sign, I wouldn’t necessarily assume that trainer has the same views. My entire family is very republican and I’m the liberal weirdo, and it could be the same for them.
I’m sorry that you live in a world where this is even something you have to think about, but for what it’s worth as a straight white woman in the horse world, I’m honestly more often surprised that someone turns out to be straight and not gay.
I think that given OP experienced hostility in their very own family, they are entirely justified in feeling cautious in the wider world, since they have just finished navigating this in a much more crucial context. It’s no good just saying “everyone you meet these days will love you for who you are” when your own family proves the opposite.
I do agree that a sunny cheerful frank demeanor goes along way in smoothing social interactions for everyone especially in horse world, but it can be hard to muster up if that’s not your basic self. Speaking from experience here. I’ve been in several situations (jobs, barns) where I’ve faded out into introversion and that doesn’t go well. A certain amount of performed cheerful extroversion is very useful to cultivate but for me, it’s hard to do that when I don’t already feel secure.
If the horse world was as accepting as everyone in this thread seems to think it is, then I don’t think the OP would have to ask the question in the first place.
Why does anyone have to be introduced “as” something? If I am with a friend of any sex, and we run into friends, I jsut introduce them with no adjectives attached - “Jane, this is TOm”. I dont think I have introduced anyone “as” something since I was in high school and had a boyfriend… Even when I was engaged and married, I introduced him just as “Rick”…
And, in light of the comment by McGurk, I am straight white cis…
Probably because the OP is new to horses and only has experience in real life. Not LGBTQ+ but I am always impressed/relieved when I introduce my parents.
Barns have always been welcoming and cliquish at the same time. It’s not surprising the OP would have reservations but I think what many of us are saying is find a welcoming barn because we all know there are many reasons why one wouldn’t feel welcome and being gay is down the list. Granted that’s coming from straight people but straight people are also dictate the atmosphere when it comes to groups of people who are discriminated against.
There are many situations where I’ve been introduced to a heterosexual spouse or partner, and others where it’s obvious from context that this is a couple. And most of the time at our barn, people specifically introduce a parent or sibling or relative. “This is my niece Susie, I’m giving her a pony ride today.” And lots of times I walk by random guests and don’t pay any attention.
If I have a friend coming down or becoming a club member I absolutely introduce them as a friend so people know they haven’t just wandered in out of the park to pat the pretty horsies and I’m keeping an eye on them.
I would absolutely prefer to be introduced to someone’s same sex partner rather than have to guess.
The other area of ambiguity is children. So many children are in blended families of some sort, and a given child might have mom, dad, step mom and step dad. Or with lesbian parents, after divorce, might have bio mom, other legal mom, and then new partners for both moms, so 4 more or less mother figures in the mix (real life example, kid I let take lessons on my horse, old friend married the bio mom). I don’t make any assumptions, I don’t even ask “is this your Dad?” Just more to the adult, are you here with Susie?
And then there’s the whole realm of ex step parents who keep up helping out with the child. I don’t want any child to feel they have to explain to me that this is their mom’s ex boyfriend that lived with them for 5 years, but not their actual Dad.
When people are different from the norm they tend to want to quantify things. So a straight person would say this is x and a gay couple feels the need to say my husband/wife. It’s to be recognized. If I say this is Danny, people will assume we are together seeing rings. If my mom says this is Sally their marriage and their status as my parents won’t be acknowledged. Their wedding rings will be assumed to mean that they are married but friends, not my parents.
At every barn I’ve been at, if someone brings their boyfriend versus Platonic male friend, even for a casual visit, they’ve always made it clear. Why shouldn’t they?
It’s absurd, the notion that when you’re at the barn no heterosexual person ever clarifies the relationship they’re having with an opposite sex person that they take around to see their horses or to shows. Of course they do! “This is my husband.” or, “That’s my boyfriend.” Or, “No, Dave and I are just friends, we’re not dating.”
Why should a gay person have to pretend or leave things ambiguous?
I am a POC cis female married to a “much” older white male (I look 25 [I am 42] he looks 65 [he is 55]). While I can’t relate to the LGBTQ+ I CAN relate to the person upthread who said they no longer frequent certain restaurants. We have gotten “and for your granddaughter?” jokes, as well as a whole slew of Asian-fetish/ mail order bride comments. I’d love to say I have witty comebacks, but I don’t. Sorry people suck, and good luck.
Shrug, it’s often normal to contextualize the relationship, “hey Gary this is Jill- she and I were in pony club a million years ago and we just bumped into each other last week at a work event. Isn’t that crazy?” It’s not always a thing, I think I usually just introduce my Dh by his name, not his role, but sometimes I do.
Thank you for the perspective.
If this is related to my post, I never said no one should quantify or all folks do.
I just asked why it seems necessary to some folks.
And EmmaP explained that to me.
My parents, going back to the 80’s never really had issues that I knew of. I’m sure there were some but if they were bad enough I would have changed barns.
But still qualifying to seem legitimate…. That always made me sad. 2022 was the first time I spoke about my parents and no one blinked or asked for clarification. It really was a bitter sweet moment.
I can’t imagine being them, I just know my experiences as their daughter which were great because they protected me.
And “The Jefferson’s” was just as racist, and that’s not ok either, which was the whole point.
I’ve stayed off this thread b/c I don’t have anything to contribute but have popped in and out reading it.
Agreed, OP, trust your gut. If you feel comfortable bringing your partner to the barn and seeing how it goes, go for it and best of luck to you. If you don’t, then don’t.
The horse world can be pretty accepting of LGBTQIA+ people but these days I don’t think it’s wise to assume it’s necessarily more accepting than other parts of the world.
And I feel like people can be accepting of LGBTQIA+ men in situations where they maybe wouldn’t extend that same acceptance to LGBTQIA+ women. (I feel like the majority of LGBTQIA+ equestrians I hear about are primarily men. I can think of a few women, offhand, but it feels like the majority are men.)
OP, I don’t have advice past trust your gut, but I just want to say, 1. it’s sad you still have to worry about this, at all, and 2. if this barn doesn’t work, you will (hopefully - I don’t know where you’re located) find a place that is more accepting if that proves to be a problem. You can always leave a barn if it isn’t working.
Yeah. As a straight person, this isn’t a big deal to think about. It matters here because they’re actually dating. Will it hurt the girlfriend’s feelings to not be acknowledged as the girlfriend? I can’t tell if you really don’t get it, but the partner’s thoughts and feeling matter here too.
Late to the thread and haven’t read all of the responses yet… will go back in awhile.
I’m a lesbian. An OLD one! Have been out for decades. I think, in this day and age, it’s no biggie to be out. I rarely even think about it actually. When i first moved to Missouri from California i was worried though. I was afraid the KKK or someother hate group would put a burning cross on our land. Or throw bricks though our windows or shoot my dogs or horses. Now, i’m over it. Lived here since 1994. Nothing overtly anti homosexual has happened to us.
I am in the world of horses and no one there even bats an eye. Other realms i’m a part of don’t either.
I think, living in a blood red state, that even the diehard rightwingers, that may actually strongly dislike gays will sort of make an exception for me. Carve me out as alright (one of my best friends is gay sort of thing). And it’s not like i’m an OK one, it’s just they’ve never known one.
It’s 2023. “We” are just not that unusual anymore. Don’t worry about your gf…i’ll bet even the grossest most hatemongering trumper will embrace y’all.
