Need advice - so overwhelmed

[Bgoemans1984]

Hello all,

Looking for advice for some reason my anxiety and overwhelmed feelings have taken over. I recently got a new horse after retiring my older horse 9 years ago at a retirement farm further from my house and then leasing a horse for 4 years who unexpectedly passed away late last year.

The new horse I got has been fantastic but I am so nervous around her, nervous I will ruin her, nervous she’s not happy, nervous she will change and get bad behavior, nervous I am not doing enough for her, and I just generally feel in over my head. I worked out a partnership with my coach to give her the ride since I just have not been myself and seriously a mess. I thought this would make it better take pressure off me and still allow me to love a horse cause if I am honest I just like horses riding was never my first passion but I still can’t shake this horrible feelings of not feeling like I am doing enough and giving her the best life… I think of selling her often but that thought scares me too as I don’t want her to end up in a bad situation.

Not going to lie but I feel like a crazy person with all this worry… most people would give anything to have this horse and yet I cry and insanely worry.

I have a lot of pressures at my job so that could be the root of some of the stress and worry and I paid a lot of money for the horse … but any advice to overcome this? Or should I really consider selling her and talk that thru with my coach.

Thanks so much!

[furlong47]

Have you ever looked into therapy or medical treatment for anxiety? You’re not a crazy person… lots of us need extra help sometimes. In my experience you only feel worse if you let the anxiety win and drive you away from things you otherwise enjoy.

[OnAMission]

Don’t underestimate the two losses you’ve had; throw in life stress and financial awareness on top of that and your current situation has a cauldren of anxiety ingredients. I agree some counseling on picking that apart would most likely be a help. You’re kind of projecting things on the current situation that don’t really need to be there; you can learn how to get back to the reality of the situation without all the static going on in your head and heart.

[Bgoemans1984]

Thank you both for your kindness… I did have two therapy sessions but I haven’t felt they have helped but I am sure it takes more time. I just don’t feel like non horse people connect to the horse thing, like it’s just a horse… they don’t really understand I have held off on scheduling my third to see if I should try to connect to someone else and if that would help more? But maybe I should stick it thru and give this first one more time…

[CHT]

You may need a different type of therapy. It might not have to be therapy about a specific issue, but more just about managing anxiety regardless of the cause.

Have you considered talking to your doctor? It is possible your anxiety is linked to a medical issue, so things you may have found manageably stressful, are now causing you to go beyond that. (my experience with concussions!) Thyroid issues perhaps?

But, again in my own experience, anxiety tends to self perpetuate. You need to find a way to step back: a vacation? A weekly walk in the woods? A new hobby? A new cat?

Have you thought about journaling your thoughts? Somehow getting them out through writing or another artistic means?

I hope you find some help and relief soon.

[ShenanAnna]

Some relaxation training, yoga, meditation, even walks and warm baths can help you get out of your head. There are riding techniques that help you do this, too; look into Centered Riding. I used to be anxious, “what-if,” but have done all of the previous often enough that these days I’m pretty chill and annoyingly positive.

[outerbanks77]

It is interesting to me that you say riding isn’t your first passion, but you are working closely with a coach and paid a significant amount for this horse. Are you possibly feeling obligated to meet riding and training goals that are not in line with the way you enjoy horses? The horse does not care if she is not “living up to her potential” and it’s your horse, so you should not need to worry about external pressure to jump, or show, or whatever. If you want to just hang out and groom her that is your prerogative. Being around horses should be stress-reducing, not stress-making. I also wonder if you feel connected to this particular horse, whether that might happen with more time spent (rather than turning the ride over to your coach), or if you might connect more with a different horse.

[furlong47]

@Bgoemans1984

I did have two therapy sessions but I haven’t felt they have helped but I am sure it takes more time. I just don’t feel like non horse people connect to the horse thing, like it’s just a horse… they don’t really understand I have held off on scheduling my third to see if I should try to connect to someone else and if that would help more? But maybe I should stick it thru and give this first one more time…

It can take a little while for you to see the effects… it could also be that the type of therapy or the particular therapist just aren’t a good match. I would keep at it and make a change if things don’t improve in a few months. I don’t think the therapist necessarily needs to understand horses. Most of the strategies learned in therapy can apply to any anxiety provoking situation. It may also be that you could benefit from meds in addition to therapy.

Someone above mentioned journaling, which I have been doing at the recommendation of my therapist, and it does seem to help even though I mostly just write about events and not feelings. Something about the period of reflection…

[KayGee]

Give yourself some time. I felt this way when I bought my new horse almost 2 years ago. He’s the most talented horse I’ll ever own, and I felt so unworthy to own him. And I had just put my last horse down so there was grief and guilt right there as well.

It sounds like your horse has a great life with you. You will not ruin her. My sister-in-law just bought a show horse that has been a trail horse for the past 5 years. He still has all his buttons. Like any new relationship, it takes time to get to know each other. Figure out her favorite scratch spots, hand walk, hand graze, etc. All those little bonding moments add up! It sounds like your coach is helping you too which is great.

You’re not crazy, and these feelings are more common than not. Hang in there, and enjoy your horse which is why we do it in the first place!

(My horse and I are great btw. It did take him about 9 months to claim me.)

[hoopoe]

are you on a medication for ANY medical condition or need. Anxiety can be a side effect of drugs and supplements, even some vitamins and herbals.

You can ask you pharmacist or do your own due diligence and talk to your doctor.

You may also need to step back and evaluate what is happening in your work life. If your stressors there can not be understood or resolved you may be seeing what their kick on damage is doing

You mentioned that you like horses but the riding aspect isnt your thing. We have had this discussion recently, it is ok not to ride and just enjoy your horse as a pet. A horse does not need a job of working, showing etc etc etc. If your trainer is pushing to towards that mindset you may fine a happier home in a trail riding / retired horse barn

if you have a partner make sure they are not leaning some performance measure pressure on you, particularly if it comes attached to an amount of money you are perceived to be spending. Make sure you are not doing that to yourself

[jonquil]

You might need a different therapist. Sometimes they are good at one kind ofproblem but not another. I think as someone here said you are projecting your other anxieties on your riding life. Be kind to yourself and take your time, and try some different therapists. You are not ruining your horse. I am rooting for you!

[ShenanAnna]

You also might need a different horse. It sounds like you’re not really connecting with thisone. Are you a good personality match? Just like you could have a SO that is a perfectly fine person, but you’re not happy with them, constantly worrying that you’re not doing enough for them, perhaps thinking that’s why you’re anxious about them. Just an idea.

[Live_Wire]

I am a highly functioning snowball of repressed, debilitating anxiety. I have a lot of trauma to thank for the fragile state of my mental health. It got to the point where, while I still loved horses, I had lost my desire to ride… mostly because I anticipated every ride would be a bad ride for one of 159 reasons.

I got tired of living trapped within myself and took charge. I “interviewed” probably 6 or 7 different LPC’s before I found one I was mildy comfortable with. It took a year of weekly sessions to see an MD who could prescribe me medication. Once I had my script, I waited 3 months to pick it up. Regardless of my hesitations, I made a promise to myself to show up every week and try.

I’m about two years in, and I now am overwhelmed with happiness I wasn’t able to feel before. I’m not saying this is your scenario. What I am saying is that there are many ways to Rome and many reasons for your journey there. If you want a change, just keep looking for solutions and you’ll find something that helps you. It’s not a one size fits all, but there are so many resources available!

Sending all my sympathies. Anxiety is so complicated. I’m really happy that mental health is becoming less taboo.

[Bgoemans1984]

Thank you everyone.

I do really connect with the horse and really love her which is part of the problem. The love I have for her makes me worry even more.

I scheduled another appt for this Friday with the therapist I was meeting with and asked her to focus in on a couple topics with me to hopefully give me more tools.

I have done meditation and it helps but sometimes my mind wonders and I can not sit thru it … exercise helps in the moment but then as soon as I am done it’s back.

As far as meds only on a multi vitamin and magnesium and once in a while I take vitamin D. Nothing else…

Really appreciate peoples kindness.

[frugalannie]

One of the lovely things about horses is that they don’t judge. You’re still developing a relationship with your mare and that can take 6 months or more, but even so, she isn’t judging you. You love her, and that’s the best thing. Find peace with her whether it’s grooming or going for a hack and noticing the world from her perspective. And I’m betting, given that you love her, you’ll establish a bond that fulfill your expectations. But it takes baby steps. Her life’s work is to be your partner in whatever YOU want to do. Take the time to find that out.

Best of luck.

[FjordBCRF]

@Bgoemans1984

Looking for advice for some reason my anxiety and overwhelmed feelings have taken over. I recently got a new horse after retiring my older horse 9 years ago at a retirement farm further from my house and then leasing a horse for 4 years who unexpectedly passed away late last year.

Did you experience this type of anxiety with your horse that is now retired? If not, what do you think the difference is?

I can relate some. I had horses growing up, but bought my own as an adult in 2020 and he is definitely what people refer to as a heart horse. I found that having that type of bond, really amped up my anxiety about something bad happening to him or that I wasn’t doing the best I could for him. Since having him three years, my anxiety has tempered a little bit. It was a big learning curve when I got him and got back into horse ownership…so much had changed, there is so much more information out there, and we have the ability to really do better than when I had my mare in the 90’s and early 00’s.

With that said, I still spend the night at the barn when its vaccine time since he has a history of reactions, always check for stomach gurgles when I leave the barn after going through a mild colic…things like that. But I do know that I am doing right by him and things that are out of my control truly are. I don’t like that, but I know.

Therapy to help you manage your anxiety should help. It shouldn’t matter to the therapist the cause of it (ie, shouldn’t matter if therapist is a horse person or not), the coping mechanisms should still help you. If the therapist is downplaying your anxiety because its about a horse, find a new therapist for sure.

[Paint_Party]

@Bgoemans1984

I do really connect with the horse and really love her which is part of the problem. The love I have for her makes me worry even more.

(apologies for the long length)

I understand exactly how you feel. My older Paint gelding that I loved dearly had to be put down due to chronic soundness issues. I was heartbroken. I struggled to find a horse to replace him, and eventually found the young horse I have now. After buying him, I was overwhelmed with anxiety for an entire year.

For example, I bought a set of ice boots that I kept in the freezer in the tack room. Nearly every time I took a lesson, or worked him the round pen, I slapped those ice boots on him. I was consumed with fear that this young horse, who’d passed a thorough PPE with scads of clean xrays, would suddenly go lame… from something. In fact, at my first couple of shows, I’d be trotting around and even though he felt great, I’d still ask one of my friends, “Does he look sound?”

I did have a few counseling sessions and honestly, it didn’t take me long to acknowledge that I had placed the burden of my happiness on the back of that new young horse, as if he was responsible for All Things in My World being okay. My anxiety over his wellbeing was actually anxiety over my own wellbeing. I began to identify stressors in my life (moving to a new state, retiring from work, my husband’s slowly debilitating condition) that I cannot control. Rather than addressing them, I had misplaced my anxiety over these issues onto worrying relentlessly over my new horse.

This is not to say that my anxiousness has evaporated. Far from it. But knowing why I have these bouts has helped me tremendously. I’ve even let the ice boots thaw and have stored them in my garage. Huzzah! Small victories! So with time, and some solid insight, it does get better. Hang in there and know you aren’t alone.

[ShenanAnna]

@Bgoemans1984

I have done meditation and it helps but sometimes my mind wonders and I can not sit thru it … exercise helps in the moment but then as soon as I am done it’s back.

As far as meds only on a multi vitamin and magnesium

So meditation and exercise do work. You may not think it lasts long, but you’re training your mind to be relaxed and open, and you’ll get better st it with practice. If you’re doing meditation and your mind wanders, just accept that that is normal, and bring your mind right back. No big deal.

Don’t think meditation/exercise is bad or that you’re doing it wrong,it’s good and you’re doing it right and actually getting results.

Are you getting enough magnesium? Magnesium deficiency is very common and one symptom is anxiety. I like to get it with Epsom salts, which is magnesium sulfate and very easily absorbed through the skin. A 20-minute foot soak does it for me; the first time I tried it, I felt like a rag doll afterwards and went to lie down. Very relaxing, mentally and physically.

Yoga is especially good at relaxing your mind and putting you in a wonderful frame of mind.

Also, remember that body and mind are connected, and that anything that relaxes the body, like a massage or letting a hot shower beat down on your shoulders, will also relax you mentally.

[DawgLady]

Your post was ringing a distant bell, so I did some searching. Sure enough, there was a very similar thread not too long ago… Weird anxiety about horse's welfare

[Jackie_Cochran]

Remember that there is nothing wrong with just walking when you ride. Walk, let your pelvis move with the horse’s back, experiment with different speeds of the walk, just relax, walk and breathe. Some trots are fine for variety.

I think that if you just walk your horse for six months you will learn your horse, your horse will learn you, and it will give you plenty of time to relax, breathe, and learn how to feel at one with your horse. Then it will be much easier to move on to more advanced stuff for both you and your horse because you will both be much more in tune with each other.