I personally can’t wait to be medication free. That stuff does more harm than good for me and I don’t feel like I need it anyway at this point in my life.
The problem with these meds is that while we understand their direct mode of action (i.e., prozac a/k/a fluoxetine acts to inhibit reuptake of serotonin between communicating brain cells, meaning there is more serotonin to signal to the receiving neuron), the effects of these drugs are not seen for a few weeks. This implies there must be “downstream changes” - but what are they? One of the more recent research missions of the National Institutes of Mental Health is to understand sex and sexual maturity changes in the brain, and how that affects responses to these types of drugs. We are not all the same - so many changes in the brain occur as a consequence of adolescence, aging, environment, genetics, sex differences. And so it makes sense that what may work for one person will not work for another, even with the same disease - and even that is not well defined, because we don’t have good diagnostics - we are not even certain what the issues are - the perturbations in brain chemicals - which came first, which are secondary? When did they happen? (More and more we realize these are developmental diseases.) What is reversible? How do you fix one thing without screwing up something else?
I think horses work because they help destress - and stress is a major causitive factor for depression, stress can precipitate crises in a predisposed individual (well, stress causes a lot of changes in the brain). And to have what is generally considered a large and sometimes scary animal respond to you and trust you - that is key.
This post has made me SIGH in a huge way. I’ve got one good teenage year left in me, but I’ve been diagnosed bi-polar, OCD traits, self harm, eating disorder… etc.
I was looking for somewhere to post this, and it’s long so hopefully ya’ll can follow it!
I look into the mirror and see the young woman staring back at me. This cannot be me, not that face, not that body. These are not my arms, too fat. These are not my thighs, too wide. This is not my stomach, too flabby. I contort myself in front of the mirror to manipulate by body’s image, seeking to find a stance where I believe myself to look semi-acceptable. It doesn’t work. All I see is fat.
Having an eating disorder, in some ways, becomes so instinctual it’s simply second nature. What might sound uncomfortable is where we seek our comfort. What might sound unbearable is where we seek our control. And these things, these needs, our necessities and abilities to gratify and meet our wants, is what makes such an out of control disorder a very centering experience.
Not saying that throwing you food up is peaceful, or that bingeing is fun, or starving is pleasurable, but in some sense, all of these things are what calm us down. It becomes our instinct, our first method of self-soothing, our everything.
There are certain things that are instinctual to horses, too. The most unnatural thing to ask a horse to do is to pick its feet up. Doing this completely inhibits the horses most natural thing, which is to run from danger. In picking their feet up and inhibiting them from their first natural protection mechanism, we ask horses to do for us what may feel uncomfortable to them. But in all actuality, working with horses and teaching them to not run away from each blow of the wind, these are things we do for both of our safety.
So when I sit curled up in a ball on my bed in tears, crying because I cannot sit with the food I ate, I think about my horses, and how their ability to sit through uncomfortable emotions overcomes their basic natural instinct. They stand there, possibly scared, but they stand there. I sit, possibly scared, but I sit. Both of us, together, are facing our fears, facing things that are unnatural to us, yet both of us do this, together, we both face our fears and stand tall.
So I go out to the barn that day. I was intensely fascinated and enthused by life at an alarming speed.
Scarlett, my little thoroughbred mare, lets her brilliant beauty and splendor, which speaks a thousand words as to her character, shine. Her head is in her heart, and her heart is on her sleeve. Characterized in her acute sense of whereabouts, her surroundings and in her doings, she’s exquisitely aware. The outline of her body is clearly defined, her sleek satiny copper coat gleams and reflects a soft orange glow like a summer sun setting in the horizon.
And I went to the barn that day because I was going. I was going and going and going. And going and going.
So I do what I always do. It’s like walking; putting one foot in front of the other, so habitual, so instinctual, so ingrained that we go about walking without thinking about it. I slipped into her stall and ran my hand down her sleek muscular body-- stopping at her chest as I hit her favorite scratch spot, I stand a while and watch her head lower and her eyes soften.
I take the lead rope, as I always do, and place it around her neck, and let her head slide into the black halter with a leather crown. I buckle the halter and take the lead rope, like I always do, and walk her out of her stall, just like I always do. I do this like I always do so well that it’s like I don’t even consider it doing anything at all. These ways of going, of walking, of reading, the way in the life of a horse is so instinctual that I never think twice.
And I place her in the round pen, just like always, and walk to the center. I ask her to move out at a canter, just like always, and she quickly moves away.
I watch her run and run and run as I stand there and think that I’m running and running and running on the inside.
And I wait for her to slow her pace down, and she doesn’t, she just keeps going and going and going and for 45 minutes I watch her run and think, that’s how I feel inside. And wonder, that’s how I feel inside.
It’s so uniquely brilliant about horses that they reflect so much of who we are-- what we’re feeling, how we’re feeling, why we’re feeling, when we’re feeling.
And sometimes, we as horse people, ask our horses to run and run until they submit-- where they lower their head and lick and chew there mouth and think, think about giving in to the pressure that’s making them run, think about finding a leader to save them from this running.
And by this point I’m frustrated because she’s not submitting, she’s not asking ME to be her leader, she’s running and running and running.
So I look inside myself, inside my running, and think about what it’s going to take to stop me from running and running and running on the inside. Though it’s difficult to admit, I realize that I need to take action, to be proactive, to watch my horse run and know that I’m looking at a mirror of myself. No more “fat Rachel”, no more “big arms and flabby stomach Rachel”, this Rachel is running from something, she’s running away. I verbalize, quietly, that I’m scared. I’m scared because my horse won’t stop running, that I won’t stop running. I admit that I can no longer take this, and am willing to find a leader, someone to help me from this craziness.
And finally she stops. She lowers her head and licks and chews her lips and walks over, calmly to me, and asks me to be her leader. And I look inside myself and realize that I, too, have calmly walked inside myself to look for guidance, for I know that I have the capability to slow myself down. She rests her head upon my shoulder and huffs warm breathes of air into my ear. I take steps forward, placing one foot in front of the other, as she takes steps in unison with mine. I stop, she stops, I move to the left, she moves to the left. And we walk together, placing one foot in front of the other, just like we always do.
Lots of kudos to whoever read that novel. hopefully someone can relate.
Loved reading everyone’s responses <3
TheBrownHorse-I am impressed by how much you have learned about yourself and your ability to understand what you are facing!
Horses are a great centering force for all of us and sometimes I think they teach us so much more than we teach them.
Thanks for sharing.
Brown Horse you were very brave to share. Please do not take this as an insult, but as a person who formerly had an eating disorder which began as a diet to get the perfect equitation body, you need professional help. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Often, people will control their eating via starvation or purging because food is one thing you can have complete control over. As a person who does not know you, I can only offer a shoulder to lean on. It seems as though you have a distorted body image, but you are very brave. Please get some help. If you cannot go to your parents, to your school guidance counselor or your school nurse.
Best of luck to you
This statement is brilliant. You are spot on. If we listen, we see ourselves reflected back from our horses.
I think that wanting the best for your horse comes back around to helping us as well
No insult taken, Invite, I’ve actually been in treatment twice for this, just got out the second time a couple of months ago and seem to be doing pretty well!!! Thanks so much for your concern, 
Again, thank you to everyone who has been brave enough to share in this thread.
These sorts of issues can be absolutely crippling, and can have a huge impact on your horse and your riding, as well as (obviously)the rest of your life.
I know I have found great comfort with my horses in emotionally trying times, and I hope everyone here can continue to make it out to the barn and enjoy that horse therapy.
[QUOTE=TheBrownHorse;4492089]
No insult taken, Invite, I’ve actually been in treatment twice for this, just got out the second time a couple of months ago and seem to be doing pretty well!!! Thanks so much for your concern, :)[/QUOTE]
Thank you for not being offended. It’s just that people often attatch a stigma to psychological issues and I would hate to see someone fail to get treatment because they were afraid of the stigma. I find it very unfair that someone with a physical disability that is visible to everyone is treated differently by society then one who suffers from an unseen disorder. I am so happy you have been getting help and seem to be doing better. If you ever need to vent, feel free to pm me if you don’t feel comfortable posting on the board. Good luck!
TheBrownHorse - your writing took my breath away. You can express yourself better than many who are two or three times your age.
I’m very impressed.
You seem so insightful. I hope your insight and ability to communicate and your love of horses serves you well and brings you much success in the future.
I consider myself incredibly lucky to have been taken to a clinic called the Brain Bio Center (it has closed, sadly) when I began to exhibit uncontrollable symptoms of bi-polar disorder, in early 1990. That clinic used only vitamins to stabilize me, and despite years of suffering before getting there, have not had another bi-polar episode. It’s been what - almost 20 years - now.
I mention this only as although there are a lot of conflicting ideas about alternative treatments, this clinic literally saved my life. When I feel depression, anxiety or any instability coming on, right at the beginning, I take my fish oil and B’s (the only part of the extensive regimen I still practice), and lo and behold, I am OK.
I wish you luck in finding a regimen to help even the moods, and think the advice to be solely accountable for one thing with your horse is very sound. If you would like more information on the science behind what I consider was my “cure”, please pm me.
Just wanted to resurrect this thread to say that I spent yesterday just sitting with some horses that are particularly special to me. There’s not much like having a pony munch on hay in her stall while just resting your head on her shoulder. Then she’ll rest her head on my shoulder which doesn’t work as well for me but she enjoys it. It really helps to calm my demons (both the emotional ones and the ones that whisper).
Love the horses in my life.
That you so much for starting this thread!
I am in my early thirties, and last summer I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. They actually turned out to be “side effects” of the ADHD-PI (primarily inattentive) I was also diagnosed with a couple of months later.
Because the inattentive type does not have the physical hyperactivity and energy levels “typical” of the ADHD most people are familiar with, I remained undiagnosed and managed to daydream my way through school.
All of the “hyperactivity” is in my brain. . .kind of like being the TV department of a large department store, with all of the televisions playing something different and constantly changing channels, but not being able to control any of them. The brain is constantly searching for stimulation. If the environment wasn’t fulfilling that need, it would come up with its own stimulation. . .usually by daydreaming at inappropriate times, like during class. Not my fault the teacher was boring.:winkgrin:
Or, I would change the way I did some routine task at work in order to make it more interesting to me. Although it did not affect the quality of my work and it actually made me more efficient. . .that didn’t go over well with my supervisor. She interpreted it as insubordination and lack of respect for her authority.
After spending my entire childhood and young adult years being told that I’m “a smart girl, just not trying hard enough” I came to the conclusion that I was just a burden and a problem for my parents, teachers, and supervisors. By last summer, right around the time I was finally diagnosed, I was well into severe depression to the point of just wanting to give up. Every night I’d go to be hoping that I would fall asleep and just never wake up again.
Horses were the one thing that I seemed to do well, and the one thing that motivated me when nothing else could. Now that I understand more about the disorder itself, it totally makes sense.
Being around horses satisfied my brain’s craving for external stimulation - the way they feel, the way they smell, their size and strength and the beauty of the way they move, the noises they make when greeting or fighting, the sound of their hooves, the way they use their bodies to communicate, the importance of understanding the individual temperament of each animal, and having to be constantly aware of your own surroundings in order to anticipate the behavior of your horse.
Not to mention that the horses didn’t care about my grades in school or my last performance review at work. They were not bothered by the fact that I am a social oddball and often very shy around people I don’t know. I finally bought a horse of my own eight years ago. In my lowest times, he was the only thing that motivated me to get out of bed in the morning. He’s also a wonderful “ice-breaker” because he is a whore for attention (:lol:), and I find myself having friendly and totally non-awkward conversation with total strangers while they pet my horse.
When I was first diagnosed with ADHD, I was relieved. Sounds kind of strange, but it’s true. After so many years of just thinking I was just stupid and lazy and unable to hold a decent job, I began learning how to manage my own life in a different way.
There are still many people who believe that ADHD is an invention of drug companies, or an excuse used by parents for their “undisciplined” children. ADHD is often used as a punchline to jokes, and the entertainment industry makes light of it.
Remember the supervisor I talked about earlier, who didn’t like the fact that I sometimes changed my routine at work? She eventually had me placed on disciplinary probation and finally terminated, although she was fully aware of my diagnosis and the fact that ADHD is covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Other people seem to think that it is something that can be overcome by just “trying harder.” That’s kind of like telling someone who wears glasses that they are just making excuses, and they could see perfectly fine without their glasses if they just squinted harder. :rolleyes:
I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polor and Depession…and I take meds everyday to leval my moods.
Hugs to all, I was drawn to this thread today as though I’ve made great strides recovering from many varied issues, this time of year is always harder for me, and this year has been particularly hard. Counting down the days to Dec 21st helps (I instantly regain “hope” after the days are getting lighter a minute a day, I guess that lifts the shadows!)
But I feel a bit overwhelmed with my sis going through a nasty divorce, my youngest niece being diagnosed as psychotic schizophrenic, my Dad recovering from his 3rd major heart attack while his Parkinsons slowly closes in on his body, and on top of all this still struggling to hold on to my farm all by myself, working two jobs as in this time of uncertainty, its so hard be sure which is most secure, I must try to please both until one wins a contract that ensures some kind of long term security, which is really stressing me!
Just last week I realized that after a long time of feeling pretty decent, I was really starting to struggle again (moderate depression & anxiety is my personal challenge - it seems to be a trend in my family, sigh. I also suffered from pretty severe anorexia from 16-19, and have to keep an eye on myself there, as in times of stress I find myself automatically “denying” myself nourishment, groan).
But I’ve been here before, and know it will get better; and know the things that help me, and started pursuing them. Checklist:
- Riding (check - moving horse to barn with indoor this Tues so I can keep that in my life!)
- Exercise (check - have a class called “Bootcamp” I love at my fitness club twice a week plus Yoga twice a week)
- Diet and controlling bad habits (this one needs work! I drank WAYYYY too much at one company xmas party, not good, must impose limits! Ordered a book “Eat Clean” to see if I can do some improvements on my largely takeout/microwave dinner diet)
- Seeking contact with friends and family (working on this - when I feel down, I tend to automatically withdraw into myself - exactly the opposite of what helps lift the dark mood! I have to really make myself go out, call a friend, commit to follow through with an egagement - it can be hard to motivate myself to do it, but I know it always makes me feel better so I will keep trying!)
- And last but not least professional therapy - I am on Paroxtene now for 10 years but I’m thinking it may be time to reevaluate and I KNOW I benefit from talk therapy - it is so hard for me to place the call and go to that first appointment, but it NEVER fails to make me feel much better, so I must carry through.
I think I may print out that list and hang it somewhere I can check I’m actually working on the things I said I would.
Anyway, thanks for starting this thread, and I’m another one that won’t mind if someone PM’s or emails me just wanting to chat (or wail, lol). Its so hard to reach out for support when I’m like this, but I’m old enough to know it HELPS! I have to shake myself off and resolutely proceed to do the things I know will help.
Oh, I wanted to send special hugs to the girl with the eating disorder - obviously, I’ve been there done that. I know exactly what you mean about looking in the mirror and not seeing what is there. People not in the know just raise their eyebrows when I say that, but I know how true it is. For instance, at my worst I was 97 pounds (5’7") and still disgusted with the fat hanging off my body (I know, I know); now, I look at myself and think I look pretty good - I’m 134 pounds now. Just an example to prove, this is a disease, people don’t just do this to themselves for whatever - it’s a real twisted up head case thing. Anyway, please write it you want more comparisons or to chat - it’s not an easy thing to get over, and takes a long time, and you have to deal with relapses, but I know it can be recovered from - I did, I still have a few triggers, but I just note them and can be rational about it, let them go, and go back to focusing on exercise and a healthy diet.
Hugs again my friends,
and many good feeling cyber vibes to you!
I want to chime in and say my big thanks to the OP that started this thread. I hadn’t seen it before but I’m glad I looked in again.
I haven’t been diagnosed with anything but I’ve always thought I was a bit depressed. It seemed that almost each post had something that spoke to me! :yes: My horses have saved my life all my life. I’ve never done any thing suicidal but I’ve thought about if I weren’t here, who would take care of my babies?? So, while I’m taking care of them, they are taking care of me.
When I go to the barn, most times it takes almost an act of God to get me going but then I think that my horses are probably starving and ‘that’ gets me moving, slowly but I’m moving. Then once I’m at the barn and all are fed, something happens and I feel more alive. I feel more alive at the barn than just about any other place in the world.
As for taking meds, it seems my system is so sensitive that I can’t even take vitamins for too long a period, because it does something that makes me feel hyped/weird, so I try to eat properly. Going for walks helps a lot but the weather has been bad and my town doesn’t have a mall to take walks in. So, somehow, I try to balance things and go on with life.
Really nice to know others out there deal with the same things.
Glad you found the forum! It’s a great group of people.
Anyone know the author who writes the murder mystery series about a character with bipolar disorder? I read her in law school and was fascinated (having grown up with a mother with bi-polar disorder) but can’t remember her name. (Law school being kind of an amnesia-inducing experience:lol:)
Anyway, if y’all can figure out who she is, I highly recommend her books.
When y’all are experiencing “highs”, is recklessness ever a problem for you in your riding? I ask because I remember how Mama was by nature a fairly fearful person, and very introverted - but when on a “high” would do things like get up and address large gatherings of people (something she avoided like the plague when not “high”) or spend tons of money on non-essentials (a child of the Great Depression, Mama was usually extremely frugal). So I’ve wondered if that feeling of invulnerability might also manifest itself in the athletic performances of people with BPD. Do you at times find yourself taking risks you’d normally avoid?
paint- I do notice a more “why the he** not- Ill give it a try” attitude when Im “high” Ill jump higher and ride a more aggressive course, Ill encourage more forward and expressive movements than normally. my horses are all pretty fit- so thankfully it is not usually something that effects their bodies negatively. and I recognize what I do/ have done- and give them the next day off. but I do always try and remember that my confidence is a result of my chemical imbalance- and its not fair to push the younger horses like I can push my more finished guys- so I do pick who I ride each day carefully.
I also seem to “need” more new stuff- much like your mom- and sign up for things I may or may not have the time or desire to do once I’m not on my “high”
Im interested to see what others have to say-
To TheBrownHorse…your writing is skillful, insightful and captivating. You have a real talent there. There are a lot of good writers on COTH. Maybe next year for Christmas, a fund raiser for the rescues could be a book of some sort??? Just a thought.
To everyone else, has anyone tried neurofeedback therapy? My son has Asperger’s and depression and Tourette’s and has been marginally functional on meds all his life. He has recently started neurofeedback therapy, and it seems to helping. He still has a long way to go. He’s only had seven or eight sessions out of an estimated 40, but says he notices a change in how his brain works. He says it’s hard to explain, and it may be only a placebo effect, but we will continue with the program. The downside is it’s not covered by any insurance so it’s out of my pocket. I will gladly miss a couple of A shows to get him fully functional. I have deep admiration and respect for those of you who keep on truckin’.
