Official "Dear Willem" Advice Thread

[system]

I swiped Candy’s computer while she was polishing her nails to ask a question. I’m a big tough retired race horse (who won at least 10% of my purchase price but that wasn’t good enough for somebody) and then got turned out for ages. No one noticed I was in pain and then they started to jump me and it all got worse. Then this very nice lady looks at me and tells my ‘big’ rider to get off and she gets on and asks questions I can’t answer and then she pets me and says it’s OK! No one ever did that before! Next thing I know I’m whipped away to her house and these people all make a fuss over me and stick happy juice in me and stick pins and this funny talking man gives me new shoes with bounce to them. I feel like Michael Jackson.

So here’s my problem. See, now I feel soo good for the first time in my life that I was wanting to tell my new mommy (I love her very much) how good I felt. So when she got on I just jumped in the air and clicked my heels! How was I to know she’d shoot a foot in the air and land back on my back? I didn’t run or do anything naughty! But she got off and made me work until I was sweaty. What did I do wrong? How can I show her I love her?

Your new friend, Evan. (She calls me ‘heavenly’. Isn’t that nice?)

[system]

Dear Willem.

Candy has gone out again so I’ll sneak a minute to ask you about girls. Willem, we have several very beautiful girls in our barn. They flutter their nostrils, they lift their tails, they wink at us, one even stops and does ‘you know what’ in front of my stall. But when I snuffle at them and try to give kisses, all of a sudden they stamp their feet and squeal at me! All I wanted to do was tell them how very lovely they are. I am confused! What should I do?

Your friend, Evan.

[buryinghill1]

Mein Schatzi Villem:
If’uns mein human (I loff mein fraulein) vants to clean mein privates mitt zoap and vater, ist it bad to henjoy das cleaning???

Und qvestion to das moderators (ve loff,loff dem!):
Vhy must Villem get only ein thread?
Villem desearves ein FORUM uff hist OWN!

[myrna]

Dear willem.I surprised my mom + dad early this morning and presented them with a new “grandson”
they weren’t expecting him for 2 more weeks and lucky for me my mom came out to check and helped him out of the sack and got my legs away from the wall so i could get up!!this is my first baby and i think he’s gorgeous(anglo/arab).my mom + dad seem to think we’re both pretty special.I like that,they bring me more food!!carrots would be nice too!!whoops gotta go before they notice me.they don’t know i can type!

mm

[Red]

Willem,

will you marry me??

[Willem]

1. I want Germany to win
2. South Korea they be going to giff Germany ein big run for die money
3. Brazil they be going to beat Turkey
4. If Germany they beat Korea (this it will be verrie hard for them) und they play Brazil in final, I don’t nott to think Germany they can beat Brazil.

PS: I be a German horse und this it be straight from mein mouth.

[CharleyHorse]

Well yesterday I was very depressed because she was almost mounted by another gelding, whom is my “brother”. I was very disappointed and now she only knickers to him when he passes her stall. She was sniffing him in places I dare not mention and she even put her head on his neck to rest while they were getting baths. As she left, he proceeded to follow her, and I heard through a friend of his intentions…
I was not a witness to all this, I heard it through my friend Lani who was also getting a bath at the time, and now I am very depressed, but perhaps I will go back to my old girlfriend, Annie. What do you think I should do?

-Quincy

What does it take to be number one? Two is not a winner and three nobody remembers
Someone has a crush on the starter…

[davidgud_equestrian_jihad]

MEIN DEAREST GOTT, HERR WILLEM!!!

Es ist DER BIGGEST NIGHTMARE . . . Der Koreanisch Football Team ist KAPUTT!!!

Der Koreanisch Horses sind crying und crying und crying. Even der extra bran mash, no stop der crying . . .

Willem: Haben sie ein Luger Pistol to put der Koreanisch Horses out of their misery???

[Heineken]

Thanks Willem! I’ll make sure I tell Perry(this is his mom writing now) tonight when I see him what you have suggested, that is very good advice! Hopefully when we turn him out tonight he will realize that you are older and wiser and know best!

He’s here!!!

[Red]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Willem:

REDDDPONY: Mein schatzi, I am loffing you verrie much for die proposal! Aber I don’t nott to can get married becose I don’t nott to want to leave mein modder Coreene (I loff her). Aber you can be mein Girlfriend Filly Mare.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I understand about you not wanting to leave your mother ( I know you loff her) . I would be honored to be your Girlfriend Filly Mare.

I promise to tell you every hour that you are the most handsomest, virile, intelligent, computer literate, and did I say handsomest Horse EVER!!

Love, your fetching chestnut girlfriend.

[CharleyHorse]

I can answer this one for you! (By the way this is Quincy)

1. Okay about the whole race track thing, get over it. Racing is not fun, I have never done it but you hear of all those bad stories of horses getting hurt, and I don’t want you to get hurt because you are my friend. So to help you get over it you must try and focus on the hunters. You have to relax a lot before you go out of your stall so you don’t get excited by the racetrack (I do Yoga in my stall before my class) and you have to try and focus on your job, which is to keep Whitney safe and happy with you. I have founf that when I am not focused and forget that I am not supposed to buck then my mommy gets very mad at me.

About the bully. Who is it? I might have to take a shot at them! Warmbloods are big sissy babies! Remember that! They are just big, beautfiul, airheads! They don’t know anything and so they are very insecure and bully us thoroughbreds and quarter horses to raise their self esteem. Soon enough, you will see us taking over the world again as warmbloods become less popular, because let me tell you, Quarter Horses ROCK! So just ignore him, and if he gets too mean then make fun of his big stupid head and I think then he will leave you alone. It has always worked for me living next to Jobe!

Hope that helps! See you at the ring!

Quincy

What does it take to be number one? Two is not a winner and three nobody remembers
Someone has a crush on the starter…

[WhittiMcD]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Willem:

GOOSE: This it be SUCH a verrie good name, I bet your real horsje pferd modder she haff watched Top Gun mannie times und she haff liked this name verrie much, wot it be die reason why she haff called you Goose.

I haff thinked about this for mannie hours und I think you can to do both problemos in one. Tell der Warmblut that you want to go und race mit him wenn your modder she don’t nott to be there, und then let your selve out off die stall und go over und race mit him. You know you win und then he haff eated your dust und this it make him to behave. If this it don’t nott to work you haff to giff him die finger.

QUOTE]

Well, my name origionally came from the fact that my neck is too big for my body, but this year, a new horse came to the barn, and his name was Maverick! So, we were the Top Gun buddies, but he left . I challenged the Mean Horse to a race, but he pulled a shoe (the sissy, what an excuse!) and hes too sore to be mean. Whitney also let me gallop in the mud today in the schooling ring, we had the ring all to ourselves, what a treat! Except the mud got everywhere, in my ears, in Whitney’s mouth, ugh!

PS - Whitney loves Top Gun, she just wishes that Tom Cruise was, 20 years younger…

The One And Only: WhittiMcD

** Rainmaker **

“So I look in your direction, but you pay me no attention, and you know how much I need you, but you never even see me.” - Coldplay, Shiver

[Pirateer]

Eagles? Those is birds, right? We gots birds in the manure pile…I doesn’t like their singing. They noiser than me. And I is noisy, especially during Dinner.

-Pirate

[This message was edited by ABrokenPirate on Jun. 14, 2002 at 06:56 PM.]

[Red]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Willem:

MEIN SCHATZI PORTIA: You bist verrie beautiful

Liebschen, I am wanting to schnuffel mit you all die time.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Sniff, Sniff… I thought I was your girlfriend Filly Mare, and then I read THIS!

I understand that your are very handsome and you have to fight off all the girls, but my feelings are hurt by this blatant disregard for our love.

Perhaps some chocolate will make me stop crying

[Willem]

Die ladies I loff them aber they can make you crazie sometimes too. Mannie off these girl horsje pferden they only like us a few days in die month becose it be wenn it be:

[I]Girl Horsje Ho Time[/I]

Wenn it don’t nott to be this time they don’t nott to want nothing to do mit us. This it be a fact of like that we haff to just accept becose it don’t nott to make no difference if we do any thing else, they still be just like this.

Wenn they be haffink a verrie nice day, you say to them “Hallo mein schatzi, you bist looking verrie schon today.” Wenn they be haffink Girl Horsje Ho Time and stuff.

Wenn they don’t nott to be nice, just don’t nott to waste no time.

Where I liff in Huntington Beach, this it be die surf capital von die whole vorld, it don’t nott to get so verrie hot becose mein howse it be like less than dos kilometers von die water. Aber wenn it be really hot I stand in die shade.

My modder Coreene (I loff her), she haff sayed to me that this week-end if it don’t nott to be verrie cloudy she giff mein ein rinse mit ein drip von baby oil in die water. This it be verrie good for mein hair.

Loff Willem.

PS IN DIE VORLD CUP - tonight we be rooting for BRAZIL und then in die morning at 4:30 tomorrow I be haffink ein verrie big problemo becose GERMANY they be playing USA und mein Gott I don’t nott to know who to cheer for.

PS: I be a German horse und this it be straight from mein mouth.

[Flash44]

Who will win the World Cup??? Football, of course. Since you are male, European and obviously a soccer hooligan.

I’ll tell you once more before I get off the floor don’t bring me down…

[system]

Girl Horsje Ho Time

Congrats myrna!

You have to be smarter than the horse, and since that will never happen, pretend you are.

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams

[system]

That was kind of the idea I had in mind (Dear Abby style) when I started the thread (RIP).

Willem STILL hasn’t stopped snoring long enough to give me any advice on my problem, maybe Cressie had something there…

You have to be smarter than the horse, and since that will never happen, pretend you are.

[Portia]

Dearest Willem:

You are a very, very sweet horse, and very caring. I’m sure Mrs. Mouse will appreciate all the work you had to do searching the internet, and will appreciate the virtual kusjes.

I mentioned this to Lucien, and he wanted me to tell Mrs. Mouse that if she came to Conroe, Lucien would allow her to ride him. This is a very big offer from Lucien, as he knows the value of a good sunbath and not working as much as you do.

Oh, the Real Portia wanted me to tell you that she never, ever acts like a girl horsje ho. She does, however, send you many schnuffles.

(Not-the-real) Portia

---

“I hold it that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing…” Thomas Jefferson

[EquiMom]

Hi, Willem! This is Emmie, a most beautee-ous, intelligent and horse=related Jack Russell Terror…er…Terrier.

I’m signing in under my Mom’s name because she won’t get me my own computer.

Here’s the deal: I put up with lots of stuff, like sharing my bed and bisquits with the other dogs in the household–and allowing my humans barn-time with the horses. I don’t even think about eating the cats–I have even been known to (gasp) sleep with the puddies! But the latest wrinkle in the living arrangements is almost too much to bear! The new(ish) Lab puppy “Lucie” keeps stealing my stash of chewy-bones!

I figured that what with you having an accent and all, you’re the closest I’m gonna get to a Freudian shri–er–psychologist…soo, can you help me out here?? How do I get the message across to the Big Blondie Bone Borrower that what’s mine is mine!?

Love and xxx’s, Emmie aka Gotta-Bone-To-Pick