Never run a barn or taken in boarders, nor have I dealt with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (knowingly, at least) assuming that’s what BPD stands for here.
But honestly? A flat, “I am not taking boarders,” should suffice while still being professional. Do not give reasons, do not leave an inch of wiggle room, you don’t need to attach a “sorry” to soften any part of it.
EDIT: I suppose you can add extra “wish you well” fluff to that if you don’t want to burn a bridge.
So she isn’t my first/only BPD client. My other one moved away but we are still friends. Both of them had $h!t childhoods. I struggle with the idea that people should be abandoned because of a mental health condition, particularly as I think lesson student is in treatment (I know she was). I do not think BPD is defined by being manipulative, and haven’t seen that in either person in the barn setting.
I know one symptom is a fear of abandonment, so I do think that her stating she was going to get a horse, may be her way of her ensuring a place at my barn? (Other client was always buying gifts/tipping)
Former client also had the issue of just being unable to function for periods of time, fortunately her horse was quite useful and she would let me use him in lessons when he needed care in her absence, but I don’t know that I want another boarder with both those issues that also has financial issues.
And no, she isn’t going to show up unannounced with a horse. she does know I have a policy I won’t board horses I don’t see first. She does not own a truck and trailer. She is overall nice, she is just very broken, and although it is not my job (or my ability) to fix her, OR put myself at risk to exhaust myself helping her, I feel I CAN help her within parameters.
Maybe that is the tact I should take:
“hey, I am happy to keep teaching you and mentoring you, and I like you as a person, but I am not able to offer you board. Once you are ready to find a horse, let me know, and I can help find you a suitable barn in your budget.”
Okay, that does sound reasonable and establishes clear boundaries.
Alrighty so. I understand people can be mentally ill and/or neurodivergent, I myself am neurodivergent.
But regardless of any diagnoses here, this person sounds like a hot mess that needs to get a lot of other things in her life in order first and then try doing horses.
EDIT: Also frankly if I was in a relationship situation, whether personal or professional, that I felt went “horribly,” I, personally would be booting that person off of my social media ASAP. If it was professional and I had to keep them there a while so not to raise suspicions or something, I would set it up so they couldn’t see my posts in their newsfeed and refrain from DM’ing them opting to communicate via professional channels. That’s just me, YMMV.
Abso-total-lutely. But, given that this boarding was couched to OP as a perhaps, in the fall, event, if Lesson Student gets another horse, the OP might wait for a more defined request to use this nuclear option.
But this is the point – that may not be true. It’s too broad, it does not address that the issue is not boarders, it is this boarder. Or wannabe boarder. And it opens the door wide for her to keep trying to get in if she does see other boarders at this barn.
Hypothetically: There may be new boarders coming in. And/or, the horse community may be aware that boarders are leaving and the barn is advertising/recruiting for new boarders to take their place. No way should all that be suspended as an attempt to fake the situation to BPD non-boarder.
It is this one individual who has to be told - it’s you who can’t come board here. Regardless of the other boarders that she may see coming and going.
You are not abandoning her. You are not responsible for her life. She will get along without you.
You are taking care of you. Put the mask on yourself first, as otherwise you won’t be able to carry on and help others – in other ways.
She will be ok if you do not have her as a boarder. She will be just fine.
It is interesting that you are characterizing your own actions/reactions as “abandonment”. That is a big leap. A major over-description of what you are doing. I wonder why? [You have no obligation to answer that question to anyone. But hopefully to yourself.]
Again I keep coming back to: This is about you, not her. Maybe more about your boundaries more than it is about hers.
Sounds good. But …
Be careful that your second offer to help her find another board barn is not taken as a suggestion to get a horse. What if, months from now, she has bought the horse, then says to you “I can’t find anything in my budget, so since I would not have bought a horse without your encouragement, I will have to board with you.” Or just that you hear she’s in financial difficulties in another board barn, and is saying that your encouragement led to her buying a horse.
OP you keep leaving the door wide open to let her in, even to her buying a horse. You are saying one thing to COTH and proposing to say something else to your student. You are pushing her away and pulling her back – at the same time. She is not the only one with confused, unclear boundaries.
Just personally, I think there needs to be some further thought about what you really want from this situation, long-term. That is up to you. There are no wrong answers. So long as you look after you. 
But … from the title it actually sounds as if you have already made a firm decision for yourself that this gal is not coming to board with you, no matter what. 
And perhaps you are just looking for a way to make that clear without a lot of follow-up messiness. Fair enough. I thought there were great suggestions in this thread that I’m going to keep in mind, too, in case I need them! 
Well she doesn’t have to know if someone else starts boarding there. Or if they do, it isn’t her business as she’s not a paying client.
Just a flat, “no” then.
I strongly dislike giving people any reason more than they need to know as it will open doors to them quibbling.
Yes, this. I am not going to lie to her, I just want to soften the response (and have one ready if it is needed).
But…I also want to help her comprehend that buying a horse when you don’t have a job/income is a bad idea, and give her an alternative (continuing with lessons).
**to be fair, when things went horrifically wrong, she was still a minor, and it was her absolute twit of her mom that pushed me over the edge…but student was causing me extreme stress even before her mom stepped in. It was a complex situation. None the less, I don’t think there is anything about her current situation that would lend itself well to horse ownership…but I also don’t understand how she managed to own horses for the previous 4 or so years.
There are 15 horses on my property. She WILL notice if a new horse comes on property.
Then find a way to get her out of your life. It doesn’t, from the rest of this thread, sound like you need this stress and drama in your life.
She’s not financially in a position to own a horse. She sounds like drama waiting to happen. She’s going to have to grow up and realize on her own that she can’t, currently, afford horses and needs to make life choices that either put her on a path to afford them or forge a life that doesn’t include them if that can make her happy, her choice, she’s a big girl.
And does it have to be her business? She can’t afford a horse.
What do you charge boarders, generally? Or what’s the going rate for board in your area? Is that a price she can (likely) afford? If not then there’s your reason.
EDIT: Assuming that is that you don’t let people work off board and she can’t weasel around that.
This. All this.
I don’t think she’s going to comprehend this with your help or not. She clearly hasn’t learned from disaster #1 and that sounded pretty bad. Personally, I’d drop the whole conversation about it as talking about it may just translate that you’re encouraging it to her.
It’s maybe a different thing if she was brand new to the whole owning a horse thing, but she’s not.
Why do you keep looking for other reasons to wave her off other than that she individually is not welcome? You’re doing exactly what you say you don’t want to do – kicking the door wide open for her to come back later, or even in the moment, saying she has a solution to that.
As you are trying to say but keep shying away from, there is no other message but one that is direct and clear: you, my dear, are simply not allowed to board here under any conditions. It’s not that we don’t like you. It’s that you can’t board here. No reasons necessary, that’s just the decision of this BO.
This is just what people fall into, the sticky mire of reasons/excuses that the other person seizes to get around and defeat the message. The reasons/excuses do not make it easier to deliver the message. They just drag out the entire difficulty.
Say no. But OP doesn’t seem like she wants to do a flat no.
I had assumed, reading this, that OP wasn’t generally taking boarders so pointed out that there is her reason. That apparently doesn’t work.
Honestly, I wouldn’t have let this person back into my life and would’ve kicked them off my social media and deleted/blocked their number so they had zero avenue to contact me again but that’s me and if I don’t want you in my life you ain’t gonna be there.
That would work but OP seemed resistant to that.
Also, to me, it leads to potential histrionics, the individual pouting about unfairness and generally making everyone’s life more difficult if she doesn’t just leave completely when told that.
Yep. I think you put your finger on it.
I agree with this and would do the same. I think because this happened when she was a minor, it’s putting it in a different light than if it was a full on adult. I get wanting to help and mentor, but I don’t think that is going to translate with the BPD element in play. I could be very wrong, but it wouldn’t be a risk I’d take.
Just b/c you don’t feel manipulated doesn’t mean she’s not being manipulative or doesn’t have the capacity for such.
You aren’t friends so you don’t need to be supportive/answer questions/ever feel obliged to stay in contact. Even if you ARE friends you don’t need to do any of the above.
She needs to grow up. She’s in dispute over non-payment at a barn. She’s a big girl now and that stuff has big girl consequences. At risk of sounding like my mother this kid probably needs to put her big girl panties on and start dealing with things.
EDIT: A typo where two letters were transposed.
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