Telling trainer I’m leaving

[sportyspicepony]

@Loudlaugh12

Things have descended into some weirdness. This is like living with an ex after a breakup. I’m weird around trainer—I normally would chat, offer to help, etc. But I now just can’t bring myself to engage. I’m friendly and more than civil. But the broken friendship does hurt. I’m mourning that too, in many ways. It feels like time is not budging.

Delayed response but I’m having war flashbacks to when I broke up with a toxic trainer a couple years ago… you’re doing the right thing!!! I still doubt myself and my decision making sometimes but overall I’m SO much happier and gaining more and more confidence in my own decisions the more time goes by.

It really does feel like a breakup, it’s been hard for me to trust any trainers since then. I think over time you will find that you are much more competent and knowledgeable than your old trainer let you believe. You can do it!!!

[Loudlaugh12]

Christ. Even without boarding contract in place, I gave 30 day notice and will be leaving about two weeks early. So I asked if, since, I was paying thru end of the month, if I could take a few days of food and hay to help in the change over (as opposed to ordering it). This is a reasonable question, right? I was downright attacked for asking it, accused of trying to squeeze every last drop out of trainer. Accused of being a bad friend too. Left me in tears (I’m human).

[trubandloki]

@Loudlaugh12

Christ. Even without boarding contract in place, I gave 30 day notice and will be leaving about two weeks early. So I asked if, since, I was paying thru end of the month, if I could take a few days of food and hay to help in the change over (as opposed to ordering it). This is a reasonable question, right? I was downright attacked for asking it, accused of trying to squeeze every last drop out of trainer. Accused of being a bad friend too. Left me in tears (I’m human).

It was a fair question.
So hold your head up high and move on.

[Night_Flight]

Every barn owner I’ve left who had the best interest of the horse in mind put out a couple bales of hay and some grain to assist in the switch over, even if we were staying the full month before leaving. And that’s without needing to be asked.

Your current barn is just showing their true colours now that they’re not expecting more money out of you. Be glad you’re leaving.

[lenapesadie]

That would upset me too. Stay strong. This too shall pass.

[Loudlaugh12]

Well she was saying something about my buying food for the switch over so I thought it was a very fair question to ask. She has interest of horse in mind, just not my finances. Not to mention I have never ever not paid a bill happily and on time.

[trubandloki]

@Loudlaugh12

Well she was saying something about my buying food for the switch over so I thought it was a very fair question to ask.

Do you know what feed your horse eats? If you want to buy feed for the transfer I say go to the feed store and buy it. If it was me, I would rather give my money to the feed store than to this trainer.

You were very right, it was a fair question.

[JenEM]

It’s absolutely a fair question, and pretty SOP when moving barns. I don’t know that I’ve ever taken more than a haynet’s worth of hay for the trailer ride that I’ve then emptied in the stall, but absolutely a couple day’s grain to switch over, if they’re not feeding the same thing. I agree with the other posters that given this “trainer” behavior, you’re probably much better off just going to the feed store and buying a bag and saving yourself the headache of dealing with them.

An hour isn’t the end of the world–it’s pretty common here in the DC area. It will at least get you out of the situation you’re miserable in, and give you time to look for somewhere closer.

[TheDBYC]

@Night_Flight

Every barn owner I’ve left who had the best interest of the horse in mind put out a couple bales of hay and some grain to assist in the switch over, even if we were staying the full month before leaving. And that’s without needing to be asked.

1000%. It’s a basic expectation with any halfway decent barn in this area. Our past two lease horses each arrived with so much swag I was a little embarrassed when the owners waved off offers to spot them extra cash for it. Overstuffed haynets, 50 lbs bags of feed 1/2-3/4 full, and almost full cans of supplements. The baby green’s mom even rushed back from her truck a second time to give us his favorite salt lick. With every horse I’ve sold or lease going back home I always send a few days worth of pre-measured meals in labelled ziplock bags, along with a note detailing the brands & measurements we’ve been using.

OP, just do your best. The hay is nice to have, to be sure. Personally, I’ve never had a horse arrive from another barn with more than a haynet full. Easiest thing is if you can find out who the current trainer’s hay supplier is & see if you can buy a few bales from that same cutting. Failing that, at least determine what kind of hay is being fed so you can relay that info to the new barn. For grain, try to find out what brands & how much is being fed. I like to take along a water can of the previous barn’s water, too. But I’m a little weird like that & seem to be an outlier in that regard.

Above all? Breath. It’ll be OK. I was the ad hoc manager for a couple small barns in my 20’s. More recently, I kept a handful of field boarders at our previous farm, which was not in a “nice” equestrian area. More than once I signed a bill of shipping and had the shipper hand me a horse & drive off towards their next stop, leaving me and the horse nodding at each other like, “Sooooo, nice to meet you, how was the drive?” Once helped a neighbor receive a horse they’d bought sight unseen from the kill pen at New Holland. Knew nothing about these horses. But I know how to evaluate a horse & come up with a very conservative, safe, step-up feeding plan in the absence of other information. I’m sure the new barn knows way more than I do! It will be OK. Your horse will probably be a million times more relaxed & happy in the new environment. Look forward to a future of happy rides!!

[Knights_Mom]

The trainer is not only petty, she’s not very wise. Word of mouth is HUGE in the horse world.

[clanter]

@Loudlaugh12

As a relevant aside, horse needs to go 2 hours to new farm.
How much advance notice would I need for a shipper to do this kind of trip?

really depends upon location, around here two hours is a local haul but back in Kentucky it would be similar to arranging a Polar Expedition requiring months of planning, packing, thinking of what could go wrong

[Loudlaugh12]

New trainer is arranging for shipper. Makes my life easier!

I’m not surprised that trainer lashed out. I am surprised we went two weeks without a lashing out. Now we just need to go through a few more weeks. It a sick feeling though. Especially the jabs she lobbed at me for being a bad friend—there’s no point in even talking about any of it with her.

[TheJenners]

Just the HEIGHT of petty, but honestly… not unexpected. Why are horse people (in general) so damn petty? Not the first time I’ve heard of this thing happening. Rise above, OP.

[Loudlaugh12]

I walked into the barn today and it was like walking into a snake pit. Trainer made harsh comment to me when I asked a quick question. I rode, got the hell out of there, left in tears. This is seriously the longest few weeks ever. I think I’m just going to stay off the lesson/training schedule entirely for the next three weeks and ride when no one is there. Self-preservation mode.

I do have to say though, this makes me feel like the s$&#-est person ever. I’m a nice person. I help. I’m a great client. I’m a good friend. And so to have to completely withdraw and know that someone is angry with me just hurts. Trainer made me feel like i was the worst person ever the other day. Every part of me wants to try and talk this out with her, but I know deep down there is no point. She has no self-awareness and is so defensive. Therapy is helping with this. But I fight it.

[Scribbler]

This is something women are socialized to do, which is to let their self worth depend on whether everyone is nice to them, and feel like a failure if they can’t manage other people’s emotions.

Your trainer is showing her true colors as a toxic controlling bitch who is lashing out at you for moving on with your life. She is showing you who she really is.

You cannot change her and you did nothing wrong in this whole process. The only mistake you made was getting involved with her in the first place, and you csn only see this in hindsight.

Nasty people can hurt you. It’s ok to feel shitty, in the sense of hurt and attacked.

But you should not feel like a shitty person or the worst person ever. You have done nothing wrong. There was nothing you could have done to make her happy.

Every time she does this it is further proof of who she is.

Being around toxic and aggressive people is draining and unpleasant. Since you now know she is going to harass and bully you every chance she gets it makes sense to change your schedule so your barn time does not overlap with her time.

I have personally found that snapping back something blunt and hurtful sets most verbal bullies back on their heels, but I am not emotionally vulnerable to any of the barn bullies I have met. It doesn’t work if they actually hurt you.

Also wearing earbuds with music around her is an idea. Just don’t listen dont pay attention.

You can’t talk this out with her. She’s a barn bitch of some variety, showing narcisstic tendencies perhaps, and you are not responsible for her behavior. You cannot change it, she will savage you if you try (only possible situation would be with a mediator that could shut her down, and it’s not that kind of situation).

You cannot change her. You have no responsibility to change her. Your only responsibility is to protect yourself.

You really do need to let go of the idea that her approval matters to you or that you can gain her approval. You cannot.

Just be very very happy you are moving, and that she isn’t your boss at work or your mother. In the largest picture this is a fairly trivial relationship and you will be gone soon. Just protect yourself as best you csn.

[Ghazzu]

Scribbler is absolutely right.

[SuzieQNutter]

You dont uave to turn rmthe earbuds on.

Yes ride while she isn’t there, or give dobbin a Holiday and wait until you have moved.

[Knights_Mom]

The way you feel is intentional on their part. That makes them a vile individual. You are a customer. Imagine walking into Macy’s and a sales clerk comes over and kicks you whenever you decide to shop there because you’re shopping in other places too.

[TheDBYC]

@Scribbler

You cannot change her. You have no responsibility to change her. Your only responsibility is to protect yourself.

You really do need to let go of the idea that her approval matters to you or that you can gain her approval. You cannot.

All of what @Scribbler said. But especially this!. You cannot talk someone who acting irrational or not rooted in reality into agreeing with logic & reason. This is why I no longer engage with my ex husband:

Him: “TheDBYC, I can’t believe that you are concerned that my girlfriend from overseas that no one knew I had is staying with her 3 kids in my 2 bedroom apartment for the next 6 months!!! You’re just jealous!”

Me: “That sounds important & we’re both in a hurry right now. Why don’t you shoot me an email about it so we can talk about it & we can agree to talk about it when we have time to give it our full attention?”

Shuts down the possibility of an argument via text or face-to-face. And not once has he actually emailed

May I reframe your situation to explain how it looks to me, the impartial online stranger? The trainer – a grown up running a business-- is having a meltdown over a client leaving due to a move out of the area. What the heck are you supposed to do? Move and pay her for the horse behind forever? Gift her the horse for free? People move all. The. Time. Sometimes because they want to. Other times because they have to for jobs, etc. You can’t fix her feelings. You can’t smooth this over. Her reaction & associated behaviors are abnormal.

The cynical side of me says she’s freaking out because the jig is up – she knows once you’re with another trainer her incompetence will be readily apparent & she’s afraid of people asking you how much $$ you spent with her to end up with this poor a result. IDK if she’s mentally ill or just a garden variety jerk. Doesn’t even matter. Disengage. Don’t give her another dime. I would be on my USEF Zone Facebook board asking if I anyone had space in their field for the next few weeks because I don’t trust her.

[TheJenners]

@TheDBYC

IDK if she’s mentally ill or just a garden variety jerk. Doesn’t even matter. Disengage. Don’t give her another dime. I would be on my USEF Zone Facebook board asking if I anyone had space in their field for the next few weeks because I don’t trust her.

This in spades - I have seen this happen almost exactly and it ended with the poor girl’s horse padlocked in a stall when she came to get him and a trumped up bill that she owed more money for some stuff, and then the BO kept adding day rate stall board after padlocking the pasture-boarded into said stall.