The funeral has begun. You are all invited to attend the wake

[elizabeth]

[I]Mario pulls up in his rototiller-truck-thing. He scratches his head, mutters “Merry didn’t say nuthin’ about this,” and gets out of the truck. What he sees baffles him:

Some very attractive brunette is laying on her back next to a big pit filled with water and a few Koi. The brunette has a sign on her chest reading “Stop the killing. Save the Koi.” Upon closer inspection, it seems that she is handcuffed to a jump standard.

Mario lets his gaze drift around the arena. Just a few yards to the left of the water pit and the brunette, he sees a woman with a blender, holding a sign saying “Just say NO to Koi Jerky.” This woman is chanting “Just say NO” with a woman who appears to have her rump wrapped in ace bandages and guaze. Odd.

Scratching his head, Mario mutters “Koi Jerky?”

Then Mario notices the oddest of all signs - a sign reading “Make Love, Not Jerky.” He looks around to see where the owner of the picket sign is, and he notices a couple locked in a passionate embrace. “Hey,” says Mario, “coreene, is that you??”

Realizing that there is much more going on here than he can possibly deal with, Mario gets back in his rototiller-truck-thing and drives away.[/I]

[Merry]

But then, The Thread’s secret lover, “Bush vs. Gore Thread” will stumble into the viewing room. There will be a hush.

“It can’t be! It can’t be!” Bush vs. Gore Thread will sob. Someone will hand him a silver flask of whiskey.

And we’ll be wearing our Neiman-Marcus kidskin gloves, purchased at Fashion Island in Newport Beach(called “Fascist Island” by the locals). Here in California, we don’t have our own chi-chi stores. We must import our fashion culture, otherwise we’d live in baggy, knee length Bermuda shorts and Old Navy t-shirts.

[Coreene]

…suggests calling pinkdot.com for liquor reinforcements, since she and Elizabeth are about to finish off the margaritas.

[Merry]

rusty flings paper plates ala frisbee style to elizabeth so she can dish up the chocolate tort(e). I mean, shouldn’t we eat it before we get to the cemetary?

So, can we guess what the essay questions were? Hmmm… “You’ve been counsel on a very long, involved case with many witnesses. How do you wind it down? How do you bring it to a dignified end? How do you keep the Canadians from buying off the jury?”

Pardon my ignorance, but when will you know if you passed?

[Merry]

I could not get back into the BB!

“I think infopop is owned by a Canadian corporation!” Merry proclaims, jumping up from her El Torrito booth.

Saint Fleet Apple… now, does that have a ring to it or what?

What are our tenets of behavior? Like, what are our “Thou shalt nots”?

[SuaveReno]

Post your Indio pics Pleeze (whines SuaveReno hoping someday she can aspire to greater than 2’9" heights)

And about the sand. I believe they call it derma-brasion that many women pay up to $300.00 a pop for and look you got one (sounds continuous tho’) free!!! You indeed could be a product spokeperson
for the enriched mud product…

[elizabeth]

Beezer, it is unclear to me why you are not jockeying for a hostess position on the QVC series dealing with the gold-plated curb chain bracelets. I mean, now that Merry has 'fessed up, you SHOULD have a spot on the show, rightfully.

Can’t you picture it? The glory, the fame: “And these are going fast, folks. What do we have left? I think we only have sizes 8 and 9.”

[Beezer]

Beezer makes one last grab for her JRTs. Miraculously, she manages to catch and hang onto them. She attaches little curb chain bracelet-style collars around their necks. “There. Now whenever I hear the pitter-patter of your little feet, I will think of our threads and all the fun we had. I will miss you all. I shall pine until the time at which we are together again.”

And speaking of the pitter-patter of little feet … we have indeed outdone the Canadians! Our own little Katey is expecting! A real HUMAN baby, not a horsey one! So TAKE THAT up there where the sun don’t shine!!

[Merry]

What was her great quote?
“It’s so expensive to be me sob”

Oh! Here’s the thread’s last will and testament:

Being of addled mind and of a bloated length, I hereby bequeath the following:
-To PamM: the list and photos of all Thoroughbred hunters from the 70’s and 80’s
-To coreene: the one English saddle from the Circle J rental stable
-To Mo: the past work history (verified by a P.I.) of Melissa Cardenas
-To rusty, AAJumper and Merry: a pair of TS rust breeches
-To Beezer: a visit to a board certified neurologist to have your lapse of memory investigated
-To Suave Reno: a guide for returning amateur riders entitled, “Welcome Back! How to Survive the Continuing Soap Opera that is California’s Show Circuit”
-To Bumpkin and C&C: a handful of raffle tickets to be in the running for a free new horse, donated by the Flintridge Women’s Auxillary Club
-And to all the others who contributed (Katey, Chanda,Taryn, Twister, WHOA!, NancyR, Justalurker, etc.), who occasionally poked their head in to contribute an acerbic comment, you all win free round-trip tickets to Louisville for the sole purpose of hunting down Scary Woman From Kentucky, throwing her into a giant burlap bag and dropping her off at the local homeless shelter where she’ll be forced to adjust to life without Aqua Net hairspray and stiletto heels.

Signed,
Question for Merry

[Beezer]

Time for you to step away from the margaritas, methinks. For from your post, I worry that you have developed an, ahem, affinity for something of Elizabeth’s that rightfully now belongs to Bill … at the very least, the alcohol is going to your typing fingers.

But thanks for the laugh.

[wtywmn4]

Off to a little mud boarding, and we are now at the final end, sob! Heaving a big sigh, she hauls her mud splattered body, into the back of the truck. Weeble, where are we going? Is it true, the sun is finally back? rusty, can we bronze the blenders, in memoriam? Merry, Beezer, A/A, coreene, chanda and of course dear elizabeth…is this it then?

[rusty]

Thou shalt not steal the best horse at the horse show, or some thing like that.

[weeble]

Elizabeth, I the cult goes for this Corona del Mar house, (which Bill will by for a write-off, right?) don’t you think we should start referring to it as the compound?

SuaveReno, put away that sushi set, these koi are for AAJumper’s ritual. Merry, with the koi pond abating what will happen with the Miraculous Muck? Wtywmn, quick, start thinking of Plan B for economic advancement for the cult, maybe something involving Canadians and immigration?

[Merry]

At this point, Merry leaps up from her chair, pulls the hanky out of her mouth, and locks arm-in-arm with coreene and rusty and the trio begins singing, “There’s No Business Like Show Business”, complete with synchronized high knee kicks.

[MO1]

It was “Scarey” woman from Ky. Not “crazy”. Sorry Pam M, hope you do realize I was reffering to her when I posted that comment.

Merry, you know, Melissa also dabbled in the catering bus. (according to her). So, shall we have her cater the affair?

[Beezer]

You beat me to it!!

[weeble]

Are you suggesting that some of the attendees at the wake have reached some of those latter stages?

[elizabeth]

“Guys,” elizabeth whispers, “i was over spying on the vermont thread, and they are discussing some weeeeeird stuff. Queen mothers and swords and stuff. Shoveling the roof of a house in 30 degree weather in just a t-shirt. Weird stuff like that.”

Oh, wait, the sword bit sounds like fun. Can we get swords?

[I]“I wanna sword,” elizabeth whines, as she stamps her foot.

“Here, here,” says Merry, quick to soothe the impatient elizabeth, “take this big knife that I took from the labrador.”[/I]

[AAJumper]

AAJumper leaps up, shaking her head and gasping for air. As she spits out the raw carp she exclaims, “Finally the evil spirit of D.N.F. has been exorcised from my body!!! I can’t possibly to thank you all enough!!!”

All this talk about sushi is making me hungry. Yum yum. And all I had for dinner tonight was Life cereal. Who has time to cook when there are message boards to be read?

AAJumper assembles the group in a small circle, to ensure no outsiders can hear what she is about to reveal. She whispers “I think I discovered the evil perpetrators responsible for the hex. Early this morning as I arrived at work, I got a glimpse of a Breyer horse with a doll on top, strings attached to her arms as she was being pulled forward onto the horse’s neck! One person was holding the horse, while another was pulling the doll’s strings, but they were both wearing robes with hoods!!! I can’t be sure who they were, but I know they are trying to discourage me from attending future shows in hopes that I will spend all my hours slaving away in the office!!! Now, with the help of the CA clique, I must find a way to discover the identities of these evil people, and ensure they will never curse me again!!!”

[This message was edited by AAJumper on Mar. 12, 2001 at 10:54 PM.]

[elizabeth]

[I]elizabeth screeches up to the curb, leaps out of her car, tossing her keys toward some young valet boy who then shouts “tell coreene I said hello.”

She strides through the lobby, elbowing past the security guys, pushing babies out of the way, impatiently jangling her curb chain bracelet. When she reaches the stage and surveys the chaos, she is aghast. . . . But only for a moment. Then she is INSPIRED.[/I]

[B]“Turn the cameras back on,” elizabeth commands, “and where is the programming manager?? The American people have a right to see this glory!”

The trembling Bea points elizabeth to some lip-locked couple. elizabeth strides over, prys them apart, says “Excuse me, coreene, the valet is calling your number” and says to the slighly rumpled suit-wearing produced “Buddy, have I got a show for you.”[/B]

Just then, the camera-man runs over. “Our veiwership is SPIKING!! SPIKING. We’ve gone from 7 viewers to 3,420.”

Whereupon elizabeth pronounces triumphantly “I knew it. This is a cross between When Good Animals Turn Bad, QVC, and Jerry Springer.” Turning to the dazed producer, she says with a self-important smirk “shall we negotiate a lucrative contract for my team?”