I put up Arlo wireless cameras because I had a situation that was possibly going to become what the OP has described. A couple of ‘well-meaning’ neighbors thought that my place was a wonderful destination for themselves, their friends and family, their dogs, friend’s dogs and so on. “Let’s go see the ponies and goats!”
I’m a private person. I don’t like people wandering down my driveway and I don’t like people feeding my animals. At first I was nice. I would hear them or see them in the driveway most times and I would walk out and talk to them and explain please no feeding, no grabbing the goat’s horns, no poking the horses (yes, I had to say this), please give me notice and so on.
These people did not want to hear that. I guess they wanted their experience to be on their terms. One man insisted that throwing in an entire bag of large carrots or a five pound bag of apples was a WONDERFUL thing for him to do.
I finally had to lose my temper on that man, who flung his hands up and backed away and said, “But the guy down the road let me.” Argh. The guy down the road also lost his pony to colic, imagine that.
You may have to be incredibly firm about this. Be prepared to be labeled the big old meanie poopy head. I wear that label with pride.
Exactly. sometimes the people will leave you gate open, or deliberately overfeed your animals, or even poison them to punish you. You can be tactful but firm. You want to make it seem that you are protecting the person who is trespassing without ticking her off. I try to say that if my animals are fed all those carrots, they will die from all the sugar in carrots. (Barnworker, women who worked one day a week at barn, was going out and feeding a bag of carrots to my horse in pasture! I took her and her coworker husband out to sunday brunch and used psychology to get her to not feed my horse a bag of carrots every sunday.) Last thing OP needs is a ticked off neighbor who might deliberately harm her horses. I’ve actually known retaliation to happen, and animals turned loose on the roads or fed double the grain they should be getting. So OP, be careful how you handle this. You need to stop your neighbor but you need to keep her from getting mad at you and “showing you up.”
I refuse to be nice to people who deliberately come on to my property and interfere with me, my animals or my land. Being nice, as I once was, caused my neighbor to the south to build a huge structure on part of my land. The neighbors to the north logged part of my land. I had poachers and people dumping crap on my land. I was ‘nice’ because I was afraid of retaliation. Well no more. I stopped being nice somewhere around 1998 when I was nearly shot by a poacher. Was every man angry when I got the law involved to stop poaching, trespassing, encroaching and so on? Absolutely. These people were not mad at themselves. They blamed ME. I feel safer now that I’ve stood up for myself than I ever did being ‘nice.’ Am I defensive? You bet I am.
I was very polite and very clear to them all, when speaking with them individually, that if anything happened to my animals I would be coming to them first. They got the message. Do they like me? Absolutely not. But they didn’t like me before or they never would have done what they did in the first place.
Wow. I can’t imagine someone trespassing on my property and messing with my animals (or anything else). Its just a disaster waiting to happen. I would talk to the person first an explain that this is absolutely not OK and not to occur again under any circumstances. Should it happen again, I would do the certified letter thing. And notify the law as needed.
She has a fondness for one of my three horses. She doesn’t touch my OTTB’s thankfully, though I trust them way more than the Appaloosa she is so in love with. Keep in mind that I do 99.9 percent of all care, vet/farrier appointments, feeding, emergency care, basically all three horses are mine. The Appaloosa was bought as a trail horse for my husband but he rides him maybe twice a year.
So every time she wanted to come visit the horse she would ask my husband. I don’t mind her petting him over the fence. I don’t know how it started that she started going inside the fence, or grabbing my fly spray. And I had come out one day and she was over visiting and told me that she’d filled the water troughs. Cue my frustration because I’d left them low so I could tip and scrub them. Something I’ve gotten obsessive about since my mare contracted Potomac Horse Fever last fall.
Everything came to a head last week, which is where I realized she’d been coming over when I wasn’t home, rummaging in my feed shed and horse trailer for the flyspray, which is particularly scary since my trailer is currently parked in the middle of the OTTB’s field.
My husband and FIL bought a boat, it’s parked out in a back pasture area I don’t currently use. After a week and a half of rain they couldn’t get the boat out. DH asked the neighbor’s husband to bring his tractor over and pull the boat out. I happened to be home alone with my 8 month old DD. DH texted me to let me know. The neighbor texted me that they were coming over to do XYZ. DD was sleeping and I’d had a long day, I didn’t feel particularly like socializing, so I went out, opened the gates, moved my OTTB’s around so they weren’t in the way. I hear the tractor, I ignore it.
Then ditzy neighbor knocks once on my kitchen door, then just opens it. WTF! I would never do that to anyone. You don’t just knock on someone’s door then stroll in. And she freaking woke the baby. I stormed out of the living room, and hurried her outside. The boat got moved and they went home. Fine, done, leave me alone.
The next day DH invites the neighbors over for drinks to thank them for helping. Fine, except again I’d had a really long day, I’d just gotten the baby to sleep, and I was starving. I couldn’t start dinner until these people left. But I could get all the prep work done. So half-way through socializing I went back in to the house to get things prepped for dinner. Part of dinner was corn I was going to cook on the grill. I went out on to the back porch to husk it.
The ditzy neighbor comes around and goes over to visit the Appaloosa, in full view of me just goes in to his pasture. Grrr. I really wish that beast would take a bite out of her. Then she says over her shoulder, “oh hey he’s bleeding” So I go over and take a look, it’s from a fly bite, not an emergency. I go back to husking corn. “Hey do you have fly spray?” I reply “Probably.” I should have told her right then that I fly spray my horses twice a day, at each feeding. But again I was in a super crappy mood. So she walks past me and goes in to my feed shed to grab fly spray. At which point she realizes as she comes back and sees the aggravation on my face that she just stepped once step too far. She puts the spray back and leaves. So far she hasn’t been back over.
I had a conversation with DH about the ditzy neighbor and that all going blindly in to the pasture, rummaging in my feed shed/horse trailer and basically doing as she pleased is at an end and he needed to get on the same page.
She wants to visit, fine, but she’s going to ask me, not him (which should end most of these shenanigans since we aren’t really friends) and she will not be allowed to go in to the pasture again. She can pet him over the fence. I’m still hoping he bites her.
I thought that this was just a stranger that was making herself at home at your place, but you’ve all had some friendly interaction separate from the horses.
She’s clearly thinking you are friends. If you are uncomfortable with what she is doing (and clearly you are) then a nice conversation over a cup of tea would seem appropriate to me.
This isn’t some nutter that just decided out of the blue to come on your farm. She’s been invited…maybe not to the extent that she’s come over, but invited nevertheless.
Unfortunately if you both don’t have a conversation then you are both going to be frustrated, possibly angry and definitely feelings will be hurt.
So you’ve had a conversation with your husband, have you had one with the neighbor? They’ve been invited over for multiple friendly interactions, so it’s not unreasonable to assume she thinks you’re cool with this since you apparently haven’t actually told her to stop. When she messes with them in full view of you and you don’t say anything, what is she supposed to think? Doesn’t make what she’s doing ok, and bad on her for assuming, but simply looking “aggravated” and giving her passive aggressive answers like “probably” when she asked for the fly spray leaves things open to interpretation. So eliminate the ambiguity. Next time you see her, politely but firmly and in no uncertain terms tell her she is not to interact with your horses. Full stop.
When I read your first post I thought your neighbor was a total nut job and thought you needed to come loaded for bear to make it stop. Now, while I think your neighbor needs a refresher on boundaries and assuming without asking, it also sounds like you need to reevaluate how to clearly communicate. Your behavior when they were invited over for drinks is the definition of passive aggressiveness. And you’d better hope the Appy doesn’t bite her, satisfying as it might temporarily be. I wouldn’t be surprised if her insurance came after you.
This thread is a good reminder that there is frequently more to the story.
Jexa said it very well.
I take back what I had said about the neighbor. It sounds like the neighbor has made a few wrong assumptions about things but since you have clearly never done anything to curb the issue you are just as much to blame as the neighbor is.
Explaining where you stand on this does not have to be rude either. It is harder now to not be rude than it would have been at the time, but it still can be done.
Whatever the history, your neighbor was still out of line.
I have a farm and horses. My neighbors have farms and horses. A lot of us can see each others’ property and animals, and we are all friendly, (thank goodness).
I can not imagine ANY of us going in any other persons pasture unless there was a clear emergency AND the owner couldn’t be reached. It is Just Not Done.
So, yes, IMO you need to have a calm firm talk with neighbor so there is no future confusion about your private property.
Well then there is the if you ask mom and she says no, then try dad game. DH and I have been together 29 years. Over those years we have had people pull that crap with us. He would always just say yes to anything just to get people to quit talking to him, plus he worries about being seen as a nice guy. I on the other hand end up being the unpopular rag that says NO go away. It took lots of working together on this to get on the same page. People pick up on this as a couple weakness and then swoop in. And don’t let them fool you, they know exactly what they are doing.
My suggestion is that you and DH make sure you are on the same page here, get a plan on how to deal with this, then implement it together. Present a solid front as to what is and is not acceptable. Anyways that’s my spin on things given the added info.
OP, you did open the door by saying you didn’t mind if she pet the horses over the fence.
I think time for that firm talk including ‘no petting over the fence’ or any other interaction with your horses. She needs to stay off your property without an invitation.
^^^ EXACTLY. You do not need to offer reasons for her to not trespass on your property, any more than you need to tell the burglar why you wish they wouldn’t rob you. If you give her lots of reasons she will only rationalize why they don’t actually apply to her and then: voila, she’s again allowed (in her mind) to do what she wants. You can say something as simple as “My property is private space, and it feels as intrusive to have someone in my barn as it would if they were in my bedroom. I need you to respect my privacy and property boundaries by not coming on my farm when I’m not home. Please call me or text me before coming over, to check. Can I count on you to do that?”
“Can I count on you?” is a pretty useful technique. Gets her to affirm in a positive way your request. Don’t ask “Do you understand?” because her “understanding” may be different than yours (and frankly she doesn’t have to understand, she needs to comply. Period)
There is no reason the conversation has to be rude, just direct, calm, respectful no matter what she says to you. If she goes off on you, you can say something like I can see this is disappointing / upsetting to you, but again I need you to call or text for permission before coming over.
ETA: I missed the latest update. You haven’t set boundaries, so she’s encroached, little by little the same way a pushy horse will. Her behavior is still wrong, but a little less OMG HOW DARE SHE than it initially seemed. But nor does it mean you can’t set boundaries now, and be consistent. “Hey, I haven’t communicated well on this, but I need to hit the re-set button here. I’m not comfortable with people going in our pastures, feeding the horses, etc. without me there. …” etc etc etc
I’m going to ditto what Jexa said and add, that perhaps the neighbor assumes because you have a baby you don’t have time to do everything so she is injecting herself (unwantedly) into your life to be helpful.
Have a sit down with her and explain that you don’t need her doing anything with the horses, period. I’m not sure it is a good idea or not to saying something to the effect that if she sees you in the barn then she is welcome to stop by and pet the horse. Depends on the individual, some will respect that and other’s will assume it’s the okay to continue doing what she has been doing. On one hand it’s nice to be friendly with the neighbors, sounds like your husband likes them and they are willing to be helpful with other things; it’s a matter of finding the boundaries that will work for both of you and setting them.
Reading your update, and taking into consideration that she’s not a horsey person - I don’t think she understands she’s crossing a line. Your DH has told her it’s OK to pet his horse over the fence. You didn’t explain to her that any of her subsequent behavior was not OK. She probably just thinks she’s helping - you have a new baby and you’re tired a lot of the time.
That said, it needs to stop, because it annoys you and because she could get hurt. I like HH’s suggestion above. I think neighbor is probably a nice lady who just needs you to set some boundaries in a friendly (but firm) way.
Oh, and my niece just puts a sign on both her doors that says “Do not knock or ring bell. Baby sleeping. Text me to let me know you’re here.”
I had neighbors who loved to see and pet the pretty horses. We shared a property line and when the husband would go for a walk, he’d walk by and pet them or bring them a carrot. I appreciated his interest as we like to keep nice with our neighbors and we were also friends, but I tried to ask him again and again to not feed them carrots as it would only encourage bad mouthy behavior. Mac is especially pushy and his paddock was next to the fence. He’d be the most likely to bite someone and so I was worried about that, though nothing ever happened.
The only time I have ever touched anyone’s livestock was when someone’s sheep got out of the fence and were in the road and also when another neighbor’s horses got out and were in the road. I never give unsolicited advice and I would never trespass or touch someone else’s animals. I can’t believe people think that is okay! Even if your neighbor was given permission to pet the horse, she was not given permission to go into paddocks - I’d be right pissed about that, too.
Sounds like with your look of annoyance she got a little hint. Now it is time to have a frank discussion and lay down some firm boundaries.
