EMDR made me exponentially worse, FWIW. I had to stop the treatment because of how much it was escalating the flash backs.
Maybe it was the practitioner, or something else… but it’s not a one-size-fits-all thing.
3 Likes
3 Likes
No it’s not one size fits all and I didn’t say it was. But EMDR is better than CBT for trauma. Maybe your practitioner wasn’t as versed, or maybe you were not a good candidate.
2 Likes
I know counselors that have commented EMDR has been a game changer for counseling, that you could see it working right in front of your eyes.
As always, in the right circumstances, of course, nothing is one size fits all.
2 Likes
I was greatly relieved just to be HEARD by a therapist. For a person to just sit and listen and express exasperation at the way I was treated by my Dad. It helped tremendously just to be HEARD and have my confusion and anger and resentment validated after a lifetime of trying to push it down, away, bottle it, bury it, make sense of it. No, ma’am- it was shitty and wrong and mean and hateful and cruel. It WAS. She helped me Sooooo much in assuring me that I did have a right to my feelings and my feet. If I said “I’m not having that conversation with you, please stop” and he didn’t stop - I left. At the very least, I left the room or went outside to sit by the water (they live on the lake). In a few cases he escalated and to his surprise he was met by loud and furious anger and contempt and he backed down quickly. He’s a bully, and bullies rely on compliance. I don’t need him for ANYTHING, and he’s been made aware of that, so he lost his leverage. Not my best days, I suppose- but it was amazing for a moment to be WHOLE in my rage. You did this, you made this< KNOCK IT OFF NOW. It taught my mom to STFU and stay out of it, or at least- sit down.
I am not ready to cut them off completely, though they both grasp that’s an optional trigger I can pull and might. I work to never be alone with him, ever, so he can’t take advantage of the privacy. It’s work, but for me alone for now- it’s worth the work. EVERYONE is different.
9 Likes
Good point about finding the right therapist. Not all approaches to therapy, or a particular therapist are right for every person. If you don’t find a therapist to be unbiased, or listening to you, or suspect they are violating your privacy, leave them. Also, I’m talking professional, licensed therapist with real qualifications.
There are new treatments for various conditions. Some vets with PTSD in one county in Alabama have found an experimental treatment very effective, so the are always new possibilities.
Also, if you go no contact (my personal choice in my case), or low low contact, don’t explain your choice to anyone. If you look at the JNMIL, or othe topics on reddit, you find out about gray rock method, and FM (flying monkeys, usually family members), who will try get you to tell about your situation, your choices, and then tell you you’re wrong.
You don’t owe anyone an explantion or reason. I’ve know people who didn’t want to deal with other people’s questions, saying family members are dead. Or others who admitted they’re estranged, and other people still want to know why, that’s none of their business, and they deserve no explanation.
2 Likes
This. And all the other great advice you’re getting here, but this. ^^^ First and foremost. Get these awful people out. of. your. life.
6 Likes
Getting rid of toxic people is sooo good, but people will give you smack at holidays.
Be ready for it and have a plan.
Plan a lit birthday party for yourself so you dont feel lonely when you dont hear from them.
Holidays are hard so make plans for YOU. Take that beach trip if you know youre going to be alone.
My life is better and richer since i cut ties.
Emdr is okay but i like biurnal beats better
If your angry, go kickboxing instead of therapy. I get such a better release when i work out.
Also, obviously its okay to buy another horse to heal your soul!
Also do the COTH secret santa so you get something for the holodays.
11 Likes
I thought about this a lot last night. These people are “family” in blood only.
My dog is better family than they are.
I’m so sorry you got the horrid roll of the dice on this one. You’ve already proven yourself incredibly resilient, smart, capable, and productive. These people are nothing but a drag on your existence and your future. I think you’re better off pretending they don’t exist.
I was blessed with great family. My parents and a sister have passed, and neither of my siblings live within four hours, so there are plenty of holidays we don’t get together - heck, with COVID, I haven’t seen my sister in Canada in three years. I have incredible friends who are in similar situations and we all fill the holiday gaps with one another. Have you heard of “Friendsgiving”? 
Please pretend you’re an orphan. An orphan who is self sustaining, kind, thoughtful and caring, and move forward into this wonderful world without ANYONE who sucks your energy. EVER.
11 Likes
One thing you want to establish is do you love them, or do you love the idea of family? Are they people you would gravitate too in your everyday life, or is it just a shared dna that is the bond? I cut my father off for a couple of years when he went off at me for something small, and realised that I wouldn’t let anyone else treat me the way he did, so why did sharing dna make a difference. We have a shaky relationship now, but he knows there are boundaries and I will make them Impassable if he doesn’t knock it off.
Too there’s, he was a kind generous man with both his time and money and help, but we were treated as second rate, especially me being female. To others he would brag about us, but to us nothing was ever good enough.
8 Likes
You can choose your friends but not your family.
You can buy a sign that says Friends welcome anytime. Family only allowed with appointments.
8 Likes
The Melody Beattie books and workbooks are very helpful.
I got most of mine from thriftbooks dot com.
You deserve the life you choose and also who is and isn’t in it.
I set boundaries for my family, and they kept blowing through it.
I cut them off years ago.
Recently I opened the Mothers Day card my mother sent me, thinking contact she’s had with my son recently had maybe helped…nope.
What garbage. Just… Garbage. It Reaffirmed exactly why I avoid them like the plague. And gee, the actual plague sure was handy for that. 
Its not you. Look at all these comments. COTH rarely agrees unanimously. You. Are. Not. Wrong.
13 Likes
I realized suddenly I posted this in the wrong forum. I meant it for off topic not off course. That’s sort of embarrassing, I’m really sorry.
I want to thank everyone for being so nice to me but I don’t understand what I said was so bad that prompted such a universal opinion. I think maybe my Dad is losing his marbles and I think he was abused by my Grandfather and I think how he was so much younger then I am now during those years and maybe I am being unfair. I mean he didn’t leave, like some fathers do. But then, is leaving the worst thing a man can do? I have a very expensive court order that says I wish that one had up and left without needing a police escort to find the door.
I am going to listen to my dog as someone so eloquently and gently suggested.
8 Likes
You can understand why someone acts the way they do, but that doesn’t mean you have to let them hurt you in any way. Just because someone didn’t abandon the family doesn’t mean that they cared, or wanted to stay, they just do sometimes.
Some of the unhappiest people I know had parents who stayed together for the children, or because they didn’t want to split up a family because of religion, or other social reasons. Parents owe you, you don’t owe them.
10 Likes
What made us answer unanimously was the sense we all got that your family was still inside your head and making you feel you were a worthless person. It doesn’t matter why they are doing this or even so much what they are actually doing in the here and now. If they are making you feel this way, but you are still longing for them to love you, you’re in a bad loop and need to get out.
Yes all abusers had horrible childhoods themselves. Yes, family violence is cyclical. We can understand that in an intellectual or sociological way. But that doesn’t mean we need to accept that abuse when we are the target.
18 Likes
you apologize too much.
posting in the wrong forum is an oopsie, not worthy of being really sorry about. Happens. The mods - if they even noticed - didn’t care enough to move it. No harm done.
‘I don’t understand what I said was so bad’
well, you did not say anything bad. You very eloquently described a bad situation you are finding yourself in with your family.
And no, it does not matter why they treat you badly. Kind of like being shot by friendly fire. The outcome is the same.
One of the toughest things in life we need to learn is how to set boundaries. A task that is exponentially more difficult when family, and parents in particular are involved.
21 Likes
People post in the wrong section of the forum all the time. No harm done.
If you want it moved you can either flag it, send mod 1 a PM, or tag mod 1 in a post here. Moderation here does not go thru and read things unless it is brought to their attention.
Your thoughts about your father not leaving made me think of the life my step father had.
When he was a wee boy, with a brother his mother had a new boyfriend who, as the story goes, did not want kids. She was going to put them up for adoption but her parents thought that would be too embarrassing so they took the boys in.
The boys spent the rest of their childhood being beat, neglected, and reminded that they were an inconvenience that was not wanted at the hands of their grandparents.
Those grandparents did not leave, but darn, was leaving worse than what they did? I think not.
8 Likes
I would suggest to reflect on how the audience here has universally agreed; from what I have seen on COTH this is a rare occurance and should really say something 
I think there is a good combination of people here who (1) have experienced a similar situation to yourself and they DID decide at some point to put a foot down and do what they needed to do for their own mental health, (2) is a friend to someone who was in a similar situation, or (3) didn’t experience anything like this and after hearing how abusive it is and seeing its toll on you, couldn’t fathom not washing your hands from it.
I will 100% every time advocate for doing what is best for your own well-being, even if that means cutting off family. You don’t get to choose who they are, but you DO get to choose if you want them in your life as an adult and it is nothing to feel guilty about. Therapy will help immensely!
12 Likes
A little off subject, but I know of two cases, one from just after World War I, and the other in the 1960’s, where when the wife died, the child was sent to an orphanage.
My grandmother and her siblings lost their father, and the mother fostered them out, three had horrible situations, and one had a great one. Apparently, dumping your kids to be virtual slaves as children was acceptable then.
The first one sent to an orphanage, lost his mother to Spanish Influenza, and the father kept the younger kids. When he aged out, he joined the Army, and as he said, it was the same discipline and routine he was used to. He didn’t know he had a family until he was an adult.
The second one was an only child and when her mother died, she was put in an orphanage. The father visited, but she was still there for a few years. Then, her father remarried, and didn’t mention until his usual visiting day where he was going to his new wife. His wife was stunned that he hadn’t mentioned the child, and intended to leave her in an orphanage. The new wife went to the orphanage with him, got her stepdaughter and treated her as her own. Later, the wife (my friend’s mother) said if it wouldn’t have been for the welfare of the stepdaughter, she would have divorced the husband.
5 Likes
